TROUBL

While many jet setting, Blackberry punching, Wall Street types wait anxiously for the government economic bailout to add some much needed arousal to their investment portfolios, America has turned a blind eye to the true victims of our financial crisis –Gold Diggers.

I’m a practical man – a real “Joe Six Pack” at heart – and all this madness over liquidity, Bulls, Bears, and “golden parachutes” is much too much for my simple, liberal artsy mind to comprehend. What I DO understand is plain speak. I appreciate that brand of blue collar vernacular that strikes a chord inside me and moves me to action. I don’t want to know how stimulating Wall Street will latently affect Main Steet, I need more exact “phraseology”. While breaking down the intricacies of this bailout into ordinary terms, I discovered a class of Americans who will disproportionately have their quality of life impacted adversely in comparison to the rest of the population, that class being Gold Diggers.

The tragedy of Gold Diggers is that they are a group that anthropologists, ethnographers, and economists have largely ignored. They’ve been around since the beginning of time, (In the Bible there was Delilah, the Renaissance era had Ann Boleyn, and in more recent times we’ve had Eva Peron, and even John McCain), but still most of what we know of them is unverifiable legend. At any rate, Gold Diggers’ very survival is dependent on the economic prosperity, and conditional good will of their significant others. The Gold Digger lifestyle doesn’t make arrangements for retirement, 401k’s and Nest Eggs. Rather, they depend on their mastery of maximizing their good looks, charm and their penchant for good times. Gold Diggers have little to offer our capitalist economy, but our capitalist economy has LOTS to offer them. So as the economy suffers, so do Gold Diggers.

On a micro level, consider the cases of NBA wives Juanita Jordan and Shaunie O’Neal, wives of NBA greats Michael Jordan and Shaquille O’Neal respectively. Juanita, despite her limited knowledge of the “Triangle-Offense” and not a single line in the cinematic masterpiece that was Space Jam, felt entitled to half of MJ’s basketball fortune. In their recent divorce settlement, the former Mrs. Jordan received a whopping $175 million. The final severance package for Juanita Jordan, included Nike stock options and the couple’s seven-acre estate in Chicago.

Shaunie O’Neal’s settlement reads like a “how to” guide in Gold Diggery:

• * $110,505 for vacations
• * $26,500 a month for child care
• * $24,300 for gas
• * $17,220 for clothing
• * $12,775 for food
• * $10,065 for electricity
• * $10,000 for temporary child support
• * $10,000 for alimony
• * $6,730 for dry cleaning
• * $5,000 for car payments
• * $3,345 for phone bills
• * $2,305 for pets
• * $1,610 for lawn and pool maintenance
• * $1,495 for cable TV

As I agonize over how a potential depression will affect me, I particularly grieve for “Her Airness” and “Ms. Shazam” I think of how they won’t get as much bang for their buck in their vacation stipend, or how increasing food costs will affect their dining habits (I mean, I’ll only have to downgrade from Velveeta Mac & Cheese to Cup Noodles, but imagine poor Juanita humbling herself to downgrade from eating at Alinea to Cipriani)

Consider on a macro level, the utter chaos of our economic crisis ushering in an era of “unemployed” Gold Diggers. Imagine packs of attractive, personable, “Property of Tiffany & Company” necklace wearing women prowling our streets with no malls to shop in, and no restaurants to dine in. These once civil “persons of leisure” may result to more unsavory dealings for survival, and we cannot invite the potential for this influx in crime in our nation’s streets.

In conclusion, let’s not forget that Gold Diggers depend on our dinner dates for nourishment, our ATM cards for their clothing, and Sugar Daddy’s to pay their housing and utility costs. Our economic security goes hand in hand with the welfare and prosperity of our Gold Diggers, so it’s in our nation’s interest to bolster our economy to protect these hidden victims of the economy. So even if you can’t take your Gold Digger to Trata Estiatorio anymore for a nice seafood dinner, you can at least take her to Red Lobster. We may be facing tough times, but times are never too tough to care.