RSSHe Gotta Have It
I recently read an article in New York Magazine called “The Affairs of Men,” written by Phillip Weis. The article’s focus is men have a driving, urgent need to have sex with a variety of women and that we, as a society, need to compensate that by allowing them to have sex with multiple partners, with or without their wife’s knowledge.
I see his logic: If, as he puts it, “We simply got rid of a vow of sexual exclusivity and the piety around ‘faithfulness’,” then sure, cheaters would benefit. But… what a cop-out! Society should change to make being dishonest easier? Seriously? What ever happened to honesty in a relationship? Seems to me that if men and women could learn to be more honest about their desires in the first place, the concept of cheating wouldn’t be such an issue. Rather than looking to the culture, individual men (and women) should try taking an honest look at themselves and their relationships. If we could be open with each other about our desires and needs, men wouldn’t “need” to cheat as much as Weis thinks.
American culture is strangely dichotomized on the issue of sex. We expect couples to remain monogamous or break up, which is a Puritan morality; but, at the same time, we are absolutely obsessed with sex! The covers of most magazines have the word “SEX” written in bold letters. A huge proportion of our favorite songs, movies and TV shows revolve around sex. We use sexualized models and spokespeople to sell almost every product available. We can’t seem to read enough, see enough, or get enough of it. We are always told by the mass media what’s normal and what’s not, how much or how little sex we should be having, who we should be having it with, who everyone else is having it with, and what techniques we should be using. It’s ridiculous how much we are surrounded by messages telling us about everyone elseís sex lives, and we end up with this idealized picture of what we should be doing in our own bedrooms. But shouldn’t our bedrooms be our own private places? Once we close the door and hop into bed, shouldn’t we be able to forget what the outside world says? That’s why the door is closed.
Every person is different, and certainly there is no area of our lives so deeply unique as our sexuality. Our sexual urges aren’t something that Cosmo or GQ can tell us about; they are intensely private parts of who we are. If Weis is right, all men are genetically wired to look around for other partners, but that’s not the end of the argument. When it comes to our approach to sex, genetics play a role, but so does hormone levels, health issues, and energy levels. Our emotional issues play a huge part, as well–how our parents raised us to feel about sex, our religious ideals, sexual trauma; personal interests, quirks, sexualized fetishes, and the dynamics of each individual relationship, past and present, all further personalize our sexualities. Add all these factors together and it’s easy to see how vastly different every person’s attitude about sex can come to be.
Every time I see a headline on a magazine cover that guarantees the “hottest sex” or divulges the “secrets every man hides,” I cringe. Some people might really enjoy the tips they find in the pages of
Redbook Magazine, but many of us just end up feeling inadequate because we don’t like them as much as the magazines say we should. What our society lacks in terms of a discourse on sex isn’t volume, but value. Standardizing and making sex mainstream, forces us to miss what really matters in the bedroom: what the two (or three, or however many) people involved like and want. It’s becoming more widely known that some people have fantasies and fetishes; and while the most publicized of these may not match up with our own, these people aren’t ìpervertsî or ìweirdoes.î They are people who are being honest about what they want out of their sex lives–and getting it. If we could learn to be honest with each other about what ìgets us offî, we’d have fewer marriages ending in sexless, stony silence, or with a man discovered cheating because he “needed” to and couldn’t tell his wife. Every time I see a headline on a magazine cover that guarantees the “hottest sex” or divulges the “secrets every man hides,” I cringe.
Honesty isn’t held sacrosanct in sexual relationships so that partners can tell each other in juicy detail about the sandwiches they had for lunch. Honesty is sacrosanct so that partners can talk about issues that come up in the course of their relationship, about sex, desire, and needs. It is so that they can figure out how to meet those needs and remain close. Society doesn’t need to change to suit cheaters. Would-be cheaters need to change society by being honest!
17 Comments, Comment or Ping
Malia
I think the author is just reaching for yet another testosterone driven excuse to tell me why a brother can’t keep his dick in his pants!!!! I don’t honestly believe that all the testosterone just fell out of your body the moment you met me, but if you are my man, I do expect you to keep your ish in your pants!!! Am I wrong?
Secondly, I’m not gonna lie, I do read Cosmo and get the latest techniques and add them to my “to do” list—-since I’m celibate at the moment, that list is getting longer by the second….
I’ve written some things down…lol
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The R reply on May 27, 2008 3:32 pm:
Is it an excuse or a possibly reasonable scientific reason? U don’t have to like it but is it plausible? I thought I I saw a yahoo article to that regards somewhere
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Malia reply on May 27, 2008 3:38 pm:
Scientifically??? Are you saying that a man HAS to be with more than one woman? That would mean that he had no SELF-CONTROL, hence making him equal to an animal…..
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The R reply on May 27, 2008 3:46 pm:
I didn’t write it..it was a scientific study which makes sense to a small degree. Or I guess you would say men that have more then one woman or cheat are animals?
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Lag reply on May 27, 2008 3:42 pm:
I’m not trying to say one way or another how science fits into all this, since I’m not a scientist I don’t want to claim anything. I just think that regardless of urges, things like cheating can be TALKED about rather than just done behind your significant other’s back. If we’d open our minds and our mouths maybe we wouldn’t hurt each other so much.
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Malia reply on May 27, 2008 3:50 pm:
Agreed! That would mean being a grown up and being mature enough to go THROUGH IT with someone instead of just moving on to something new.
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TROUBLMan reply on May 27, 2008 4:27 pm:
It is definitely plausible. Most other animal species are not monogamous. I can see the science in it. Still, what makes human beings different from other animals in nature is our will power. Our conscious mind allows us to say yes or know.
[Reply]
Crystal
I would have have answered “absolutely no.” Most of the men I know have not been faithful and none regret it. I do not believe that man was meant to be faithful, and it is only in the last hundred years or so that the demand to be faithful has become so ingrained in American society. In most other societies it is not considered important.
[Reply]
Ev
I believe it is not only possible, it happens far more often than you would suspect or want to admit. You don’t hear about it because women are always busy bashing the cheaters. They have no interest in a faithful man that provides for his family in a loving, caring, respectful way. There’s no sensationalism in that.
[Reply]
blaq
The key as you said is honesty If a man a and a woman sit down openly admit what they want instead faking or try to fit socieeties view of what is right then ther will no issues no reason to cheat .
the man i dated befpre my fiance was blunt honest with me about his wants in relationship he didnt want one he just wanted a freind to sex and hang out with .He openly told he wasnt into being withjust one woman.Now we dated and he did most of free time with em it actaully worked where he ended up with just me beacuse ofteh time we were spending then he let know there was another he wnated to get know he didnt lie just told me.
I realized then it wasnt me they way things were goingthat i wanted a one on one with man i told him teh truth yes parted ways but still freinds .I then met my fiance and told bluntly what was into and waht i wasnt he did teh same we on same page .he dosent need to cheat beacuse we explore all his fantansies as wellmine keep thing interesting .We are honest when want to do something new we talk openly whic is why i think that if women would be more willing to open up admit what their sexual thoughts are to man then men wouldknow exactly what kind of woman they have if she is teh kind he wants.I mean i met men who talk to me asked what iwnated liked and sometiems trust we didnt gel and wouldjust not go there it is not that hard really
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"A Mom"
I agree with the fact that man has will power which separates him from the animal. I think at lot of this is an excuse to do whatever, whenever.
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RBT
I think honesty is definitely the best policy first with yourself and then with your signifigant other about what you want and need half the time you’d probaly be surprized. Wilpower aside it is in a man’s genetic code to spread his seed.PERIOD
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Q.
hmm..
good post.. the more and more i think about it, the more i see articles like this as a reality.. i don’t know anything about scientific proof, but sometimes science is stronger than our own will.. we can really point to a lot of situations that prove that.. i’m not saying it makes it right or anything like that, but “i understand”.. if there are ways that mutual strong attraction can bring people together (which could be looked at in the lens of science as well), then why not this?
on another level, we all hope that we all can stay true.. but everybody should be honest and say that it is not easy.. i think it’s easier for women than men, but i say that without knowing how it is to be a woman.. my thoughts are based on what i’ve personally seen and felt (through me and friends).. it might not be a fact (but it should be), but i do feel that committed men are more attractive to women.. when you are in a situation (and even tell them you’re in a situation) the bond oftentimes will become stronger.. i’m not trying to point figures, just stating some informal research.. can it be that over time we evolve to be much more than what we started out as? from adam and eve, to adam with 10 eves??
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Malia reply on May 28, 2008 12:57 pm:
Ummmm, okay, nice try!!! That’s cute, but sexual freedom doesn’t mean you need to run around and sleep with anything you can get your hands on. I’ve always felt the freest sexually in a fully monogomous relationship. Yes, I do hear you, and since you aren’t a woman I will share with you that we do indeed have those same attractions to the opposite sex when we are in committed relationships. Yes, we are much more attractive to men as well when we are unavavilable. You’d be surprised how many offers I’ve had just by being celibate—CRAZY!!!!!!
At the end of the day, I think it comes down to integrity. I do feel complimented when my man is desired by others, at the same time I feel even more secure knowing that he would still come home to me. Let me rephrase that—that he still comes home to me in the “undefiled” condition that he left in…..
Maybe I’m asking for too much from men, but I don’t think so. I have actually had the privelege of knowing people who’ve stayed happily married to the same person their entire lives. It wasn’t for scientific resons. It was mutual love, acceptance, trust, respect that kept them together. I’m sure they had pretty great sex lives to boot!
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Q. reply on May 28, 2008 5:01 pm:
shoot, i have no answer for this.. none whatsoever.. LOL.. i’ll be the first to admit it.. i have one relationship that i look to as a source for inspiration.. one.. and one only.. that’s pretty sad.. but i love them both for showing me that it can happen..
[Reply]
Gracie
Men are not the only cheaters. All humans have the capacity to be deceitful and low-down. However, we all have the capacity for love, understanding and honesty. Our choices make us who we are.
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mrs. 39 ways of trouble
Sounds like a cop out, that was written by a cowardice man, who lacks self control and doesn’t posses a conscious. But again, why should they when loose women continue to throw themselves at them, totally devaluing themselves and their sexuality, as well.
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