First Date

Written by: SB

If you are genuinely attracted to someone should you abide by the traditional dating rules…you know the ones that I am referring to…no kissing on the first date, no sex on the first night…or should you let the connection and energy be your guide?

I find it a conflicting strategy to suggest that one must not do certain things in order to build a foundation, rather than suggest that person be honest and natural…how can a healthy basis be created if you are intentionally withholding yourself from the other person?

I was told that the guidelines help establish a level of respect so that the woman is not labeled promiscuous. BUT, if your love interest cannot appreciate your actions as an expression and symbol of a developing bond and attraction, what business do you have being interested in someone so immature? AND, why are those rules only for women? I don’t hear of men planning not to kiss on the first date…or not have sex on the first date. If men can act on their passion regardless of what date # it is…then why can’t women?

I find it hard to believe that refraining from any kissing or sex until the second, third or tenth date really builds a better relationship…but maybe I’m wrong!

So I have to ask….are these rules outdated or needed? And, if a person did deviate from the golden guideline is their relationship destined for failure?

Tags: Culture, Love | Mar 27, 2008 |

24 Comments, Comment or Ping

Malia

Wow!!! Girl, you really know how to start the day with a loaded question don’t you? *shaking my head in shame* ((YIKES))

Honestly, I can still count every man I’ve been with. Of that number, only one of them was solely a one night stand (which turned into two and three nights - but still, it was purely physical). But with that said, I will tell you that most of my long-term committed relationships have started out from “first date sex”…….

What?!?!?!

*I wasn’t always celibate*

I never left the house saying ‘damn I want this man’….and just attacked a brother…..but if during the course of the evening, we were talking, laughing, flirting, vibing, being playful, touchy-feely, great conversation, great eye contact, great chemistry…..things would just kind of veer toward the romantic……and I love to kiss so that would definitely lead me into other things…….

I think I have great taste in men (give or take one or two) so I haven’t chosen some negro who was just out to “hit it and quit it”. I try to date guys who are like-minded and want the same thing I want. LOVE….

That’s important!!!

[Reply]
The R

Old rules are the best rules! Kick it old school

[Reply]
Felicia

Malia, I’m going to spank you!!!!

Obviously, the “right time” between two consenting adults varies with every relationship. Some people think it’s okay to sleep with someone on the first date, others think nothing before marriage is acceptable. My own theory on the right time to do it for the first time falls somewhere in between tramp-o-rama and virginity……

If you’re just looking for a wild night, and a serious relationship or pesky moral dilemmas aren’t in the picture, then by all means, let the shirt buttons go flying. But, if what you’re looking for is a long-term relationship, you should wait to have sex until you’re in an exclusive relationship.

My husband and I did the long-distance thing, so the first time we saw each other we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. But we knew we were in love already…..there are exceptions to every rule.

[Reply]
Erika

Sadly enough, the old rules still stand. For some reason, holding back nets a relationship. It’s because they think, “Oh if she’ll do it with me on the 1st date without really knowing me, then she’ll do it with anyone!” Stupid, but true.

[Reply]
Erika

Amen Malia.

[Reply]
Malia

Felicia—–

What?!?!?! She asked me a question, dang! lol

Erika——

You are absolutetly right. Remember the old saying your mother, or grandmother used to repeat, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” Well, like it or not, in theory, it still holds true today. Sure the sexual revolution has loosened things up a bit, but as we all know, that old double standard still exists.

[Reply]
Erika

But what bothers me is that two people “can’t” act on their natural feelings. We often let appearances and thoughts about a person get in the way if they act too soon.

Some men, however cannot discern that the woman was merely SO attracted to HIM that she was ready.

[Reply]
TROUBLMan

SB

I used to abide by guidelines, not society’s but my own. I used to make myself wait before I engaged romantically with a female. It was about respect for me. First, I wanted her to respect me. By no means am I a jumpoff (yes, men are hoes too) and I wanted women to understand that. Second, I wanted to be able to respect the women. For some reason, the wait helped mew see them as more than an object for my sexual fulfillment.

Now, I fell different. My girlfriend and I met and very quickly had sex. With her it just felt right and I didn’t question it. We’re still together and I respect her very much. In fact, the fact that she was open enough to be sexual and not regret it made me respect her more. All I needed was one experience to change my mind.

[Reply]
Malia

TROUBLMAN——

We applaud you for not being a “MAN-WHORE”!!!!! *standing ovation*

With the right person, all things are possible. Sometimes the risk is worth it. When you KNOW you KNOW!!!!

[Reply]
The R

I’m not sure…we actually expect sex on the first date to be honest lol..or we want it and hope we can talk you into it lol…..that’s life…

but I’m sure we can say it may be best to hold out for at least the second date when we both know we want to bang right here and right now! WHY WAIT!!!

I’ll respect ya in the morning when I hit it again!!!!

[Reply]
*SB*

Troublman and R…
Im glad to hear some men step up and share their thoughts on the discussion…

R…respect with more sex? you are so silly! But im glad you said something…some men do go on dates expecting sex…or atleast try to spit their best mouthpiece to get some…

But if ya’ll want it so bad dont knock a girl for feeling the same way…shit, she might just have you thinking your running game when in reality she already knew she was gonna give you some and wanted to see you squirm…LMAO (i dont know nothing about that)

[Reply]
"a mom"

I think it depends on the couple. You can tell when your on the date if this person is someone you would like to go further with or is this just someone for sex? Sometimes it could be both. On the first date you are reading that person trying to figure them out People are different now. It’s like the virgin wearing white at her wedding. If you are not a virgin or been married before you’re suppose to wear off white or cream. But who pays attention to that anymore.

My grandmother use to say no man is going to take a women home to his mother after sex on the first date. Just like everything in life things change. I still think that it’s better to get to know the person before sex.
I’m not going to lie. I did have a one night stand with a guy I meet a long time ago, afterwards we laughed about it. Later we became great friends.

[Reply]
Q.

it is what it is.. i look at it as being grown.. i’m a grown ass man, and if i want to have sex on the first night, and she wants it as well, then hey, why wait?? that’s now.. i felt different in high school and college.. i won’t front, i was a late bloomer with the sex game.. didn’t start having sex until i was dang near 18.. personally, i felt i wasn’t ready.. i also was focused on sports and academics.. with that, i was afraid i was going to get someone pregnant.. shoot, some of the girls in my school had a wager on who was gonna get me first.. so i held back.. when i got to college, sheeit.. i felt grown, and at the same time i was a serial monogamist.. so, i was in the relationship..

now i’m grown, and selective.. so if i’m going on a date with you, more than likely i’ve already met and spent time with you.. so i have a good feel for you anyway.. so at the end of the night, if we’re in the same place at the same time, then hey.. do what we do..

i was never one to follow other people’s rules anyway.. the one thing i knew was that i wasn’t going to marry someone that i didn’t have sex with.. that whole wait until marriage thing (FOR ME) was for the birds..

[Reply]
troublsome

I think that the guidelines are outdated and at the same needed, “If that makes sense”… I think that everything on a date should solely be on your own discretion and also by the flow of the date. I think that physical attraction is a must, but the chemistry of two people is even more important. I think that sometimes people mixed the two of them up. I think that sex ruins and complicates relationships sometimes, but I also feel that it can also strengthen your relationship. I also think that distinguishing the different about what your relationship with someone is, is also important. There are a large percentage of times when you have sex on the first date; there is a chance that your relationship with that person might solely end up being physical. Then there is also a chance where the sex in some cases can be the foundation… Depends what you make of it…

[Reply]
"a mom"

Q
I do agree with you about being grown. If you both are feeling the same. I also agree strongly about sex before marriage.
I remember my doctor telling me a long time ago. That she thought sex was important before marriage because she waited thinking her husband would know all about sex and they had a awful sex life after they were married she found out he didn’t know no more than she did. Her marriage ended in divorce because they both had problems in the bed. When you get to the point of marriage sex should be a part of something you need to know before marriage. It is important. That is just my opinion. What ever works for you.

[Reply]
BSmall

Destined for failure is a little much…and the rules may be becoming a little outdated. However, I’m not sure society is ready to completely free it’s inhibitions yet. I guess it would be nice if people weren’t as judgemental as they are and one could act on his or her emotions without considering what others would think of them. But the fact is, people are judgemental and to understand that reality is to act, knowing what the consequences or ramifications of your actions may be. Not saying that the rules should or should not be followed, (because I know I’ve broken them), but if one chooses not to hold back and act on their first date desires, he or she must understand that they could be risking an untarnished image in their counterpart’s society influenced eyes. If they could care less about how their partner or anyone else feels, then go for it! But if they see any prospects for a future with this person, then they may want to consider moving slower. But then again…

[Reply]
Talisman

I agree with Troublsome. I feel guidelines are outdated. How are you going to judge another person’s sexual discretion? Its their life & their choice. My view is that if you’re feelin’ someone and the vibe is flowin’, go with it. Women have as much freedom to have sex as men but society labels them if they do. I think that old standard that “women should be chaste” or wait until the #? date is bullshit. Womens’ sexual needs/desires are as “urgent” as mens’. just exercise the best judgment you can, on both sides.

[Reply]
Q.

honestly, i think our high school counterparts have already “done them”.. i see more and more kids having sex (i don’t truly agree, but hey).. i see them doing MUCH more than i probably could’ve dreamed about as a high school student.. things that i thought most girls weren’t willing to do.. it doesn’t help that our kids are developing fast as hell (blame it on the chicken, water, whatever, but i’m sticking with Whole Foods when i make some babies!!).. i continue to break my neck at 13 year olds.. not on some predatory stuff either.. i’ll see a girl in the distance and assume they are 24, then as i get closer i realize she is maybe 14.. it’s nasty out there now, and i think our youth are basically creating their own rules.. like it or not..

[Reply]
Alwayswrite

Of course not. It’s simply tradition, and tradition isn’t necessarily indicative of what ought to be done. It’s based on long-standing concensus. In fact, that’s usually the case with a lot rules. Rules don’t fit everybody, whether relationship rules or otherwise. Broken rules, at times, leads to progress. Personally, I’ve had experience with first night intimacy and weeks-long-wait intimacy. And in each case the relationship worked out fine. I don’t hate her. She don’t hate me. So, whatever works for you. The only time a relationship is destined for failure if you have a relationship with a hoe. It’s just not going to work, whether you were intimate the first night or the third month.

[Reply]
Broken Silence

UUUHHH It sure would be nice to her a man’s view on this topic instead of women (not saying that what you’re saying isn’t valued). Men and Women are not equal. Women have always been set this standard where they can’t be immature, aggressive, or overly passionate. I don’t believe in sex on the first date because it always end up being on that person’s mind as someone that they can call when they want some. My holding own has shown me who wasn’t worth giving it too anyway. A real man will wait and little boy will scatter!

[Reply]
"a mom"

Well! wait a minute. lets examine that. Some hoes can wind up being the one that works out. Divorce in our country is as high as marriage, so is that because people are actually marrying He/She hoes? Maybe the one night standers, the virgins, or maybe just nothing in common.
Holla

[Reply]
*SB*

Q- LMAO…whole foods huh?

“A MOM”-you bring up a very good point…maybe the divorce rate is so high because of mistakes made in the initial dating period….but regardless of how it starts ppl change over the course of time…so someone that your with may not be the person you fell in love wit, ya feel?

[Reply]
Talisman

SB
On that one, I’m definitely feel you!

[Reply]
MERK

i feel it…i wanna ask a question sice this is predominantly woman-run…LOL..but check…my headline for this should be Pick E. Guy…cuz im very selective of the women i get with and the chicks i go for wanna stay on the friendly tip…which i super cuz i feel like if i connect wit u on a friendly level we bound to have a strong romantic relationship…but at the same time…my niceness keeps me in the friend zone…thus pushing me to the ones i dont like (you know the “Pro’s” “Hoe’s” and “Gold diggers) who put out rather swiftly…what do i do?

[Reply]

TROUBL

First Date

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