Empty Nest

Written by: SB

Empty Nest copy Empty Nest After an exasperating run, I returned to my apartment to find an awkward black baby bird flailing at my entrance way. I live in a basement apartment and my doorway is below street level. This misplaced youngling endured a brutal fall and was yelping vigorously at my feet. I scrambled to recover this little bird and was reluctant to leave it alone in fear that it would be dinner for one of the feral cats in my neighborhood.

Imaginary scenes of an inquisitive feathered creature that leaped out of a nest to experience life outside of the comfort zone filled my mind. The little bird was not aware of the consequences of his curiosity although they stemmed from a natural responsibility.

My young feathered neighbor reminded me of all the American youth that leave their parents house at an early age. Usually, unless a child is in school or has some restrictive impediment we look down on them for living with their parent after a certain age. America is one of the only places in the world that expect their children to leave the nest before marriage or before their careers.

Is this premature departure the reason why American youth trail their international peers in preparedness?

It is my belief that this premature ousting, from the “parental nest” into the world of adulthood hinders young adults as they trudge the world of adulthood. The American youth are less so young adults than younglings. America’s unrealistic expectations adds additional pressure on youth to find and define themselves emotionally, economically and professionally.

Why is American society so eager to push our youth out of the nest? Is it for economic growth or sustainability? Or are our family bonds so weak that we are ready to thrust our young into the cruel winds of the real world, before they’re ready to fly?

R.I.P. Chicky

Tags: Culture, Family, Society | Jun 25, 2008 |

37 Comments, Comment or Ping

PB

I don’t know SB, according to the 2006 census figures, 46.7 percent of women and 53.7 percent of men ages 18 to 24 live at home. I think that is a more than adequate nesting period for young Americans. Many would argue that contemporary American youth are pampered in comparison to preceeding generations. America’s “Greatest Generation” -(Those who came of age during World War II) served in the military from 18-21, attended college, and were raising a family and home owners by the age of 25. Many of these individuals didn’t grow up with the same advantages as kids today (after all, they did grow up in the midst of a depression). Culturally we glorify prolonging adolescence-”30 is the new 20!” As for trailing our international peers in world “preparedness” could that be the result of poor public education, broken homes, a decayed moral compass, and a generation raised on MTV’s the Real World and Flavor of Love? If our parents are nudging us out of the nest, maybe its because its time.

[Reply]
SB reply on June 25, 2008 12:11 pm:
PB,

I think you bring up some very good points. American children may lack preparedness because of the reasons you listed- Im merely suggesting that leaving their parents home at such a young age could be another one.

18-24yrs old may be enough nesting time to you but your are an American. In other countries, the children stay at home well into their thirties or more and it is not an issue- so in that case, 30 would be the new 20. Americans only glorify prolonging youth as a mechanism to make themselves feel better about aging- not because they expect their offspring to stay at home until their 30.

Its not just parents that are nudging the child to leave, its society. If that wasnt the case, Al’s friends and family wouldnt judge him for still living in his moms basement @ 35.

Older generations always think the younger generations have it easier- tis the classic debate between generations….

Why is adulthood measured by housing arrangements? Is a child that lives at home yet pays bills, cleans,and cooks less of an adult than the person who leaves their parents house and handles those same responsibilities?

[Reply]
Talisman reply on June 25, 2008 12:43 pm:
No SB, that child who cooks, cleans, and pays bills is not less, at least to his parents eyes…sometimes. But society in general, and women in particular, will judge him as being less. Let’s face it, when women hear a man is living at home, the initial judgment they form is not a kind one. Even after its explained, there is a stigma of “dependency” and since most young men are on a mission to sow their “wild oats”, the “live at home” alternative is not at the top of their lists.

[Reply]
Maria reply on June 25, 2008 12:47 pm:
exactly!

its not the parents all the time…it could be friends, love prospects whatever. guaranteed if that same individual lived in another country and he told lil mama he still lives at home she wouldnt judge him- or atleast as much as the Americana.

Yeah sometimes the child decides to leave because they want the freedom- which is fine. I just dont see why our society is so judgemental towards those that dont have that inclination.

[Reply]
"A Mom" reply on June 25, 2008 1:58 pm:
I think it is the sign of the times. The baby boomers are experiencing the reality of this society. They are not only taking care of their elder parents for some reason or other but they are also facing their adult children returning home who have left the nest to become a part of a society that is socially wounded and mentally frail.
Young people don’t go to college or venture out just to return home. Things have really changed so what can they do?
I feel most good parents give them the tools, but they can’t predict life’s changes.

[Reply]
TROUBLMan reply on June 25, 2008 12:19 pm:
I agree. A trend specific to this generation is its to move back in with parents after college. Some call it pampering, but I actually think it lies in necessity. You have these kids waging their futures on their degrees and when they get out of school they can’t even find a job that pays enough to help them pay back the loans they owe. It’s a strange time we’re living in.

They’re called “boomerang” kids. A 2004 survey reported that as many as 57% of college graduates planned to move back in with their parents. But again it comes down to necessity. Especially with the slumping economy and job market.

[Reply]
Alwayswrite reply on June 25, 2008 1:35 pm:
Agreed. It’s generally out of necessity that kids move back in after college. Shit is high out here! Nowadays, especially in NY where I live or in the Bay, where I’m from, you can’t even live in the hood for cheap. Ridiculous…got me paying astronomical rent to be around drugs, addicts, murder and alcohol. Not saying that what only exist in the hood, but if I’m paying for some place to lay my head, safety and security is a basic amenity everyone should have.

[Reply]
Malia reply on June 25, 2008 1:43 pm:
LOL @ astronomical prices!!!! I feel you bruh…..The bus stop is a stone’s throw away from the crack house!

[Reply]
Talisman

Sometimes its good to leave the nest early. I got out when I was seventeen, and that was because I knew I’d be better off than staying at home. In my case, I was doing better financially and socially than the people in my home environment. I tried for years to help out but it was an emotionally cruel and negative place. So, sometimes, you have to leave in order to grow.

However, I do agree that some people are not ready to do what I did back in the day. So how do we prepare them to go out into the world? Parenting and/or community role models would seem to be the answer. Role models can be your teachers, your doctor, the local pastor, etc. The only thing is, young people need to be taught that these peoples’ experiences in the real world can be valuable resources and they should seek a number of opinions (if they have the time), weigh them all, then make and, most importantly, be responsible for the choices they make. This process can help guide you through most of life, if you’re willing to listen to others.

[Reply]
Maria

I enjoyed it very much! As a parent of 8 and 12 year olds, I can’t even imagine how it’s going to be until such time when (or if) they go away for college. But then again, I grew up in a family environment where it was “our choice” when it was time to leave the “nest.” I don’t believe my brothers ever, and I certainly never felt the parental shove to leave home as soon as we were able. I do agree with you about leaving home too soon. I think my brothers and I benefited from not being pressured to “make it on our own” too quickly.

However, there comes a point (maybe ~25-30 yrs old, after completing school and having found a job that can support oneself) when I think one should venture off on their own.

[Reply]
m.dot

Yoooo thanks for the link.
Oh. I like your site design.

Can we chat about it.

The bold black and the white space rocks.

m.dotwrites@gmail.com

[Reply]
"A Mom" reply on June 25, 2008 2:01 pm:
Troulman,
I told you your black and white blog was great. Hearing it from someone else helps.
Your layout is like no other.

[Reply]
Traci

I am one of the younglings who moved out early. I was 15 when I moved out of my moms home and in with relatives. I left willingly but it was a situation of negating the inevitable. My moms household was falling apart due to problems she was coping with but even prior to that we were raised with the motto of 18 grown adn gone. I think there are many occasions when we do push our children out into the world long before they are ready. I tell my children all of the time that they can stay with me and I will continue to help them as long as they do not disrespect the household and are working or going to school. The only circumstance that I am unwilling to help them is when they think they are about to lay up at my expense. As long as they are trying to better themselves I am there for them!

[Reply]
mrschocolatestuff

im not sure.some leave early or get kicked out and are better people from it, some never grow up and are irresponsible. i left home twice. 3x will be a charm. lol. first time i was angry and needed space. lived with my grandmother for a few months. too much beef in the home so i removed myself from the situation. i dont remember why i came back but did, then moved in with my son’s father. i mean i was seeing him a lot, i was spending the night- made sense. was not a good move but i had to learn for myself. i came back and i’m still here. i contribute to the home, parents get ample time with their grandson and i’m working to move. they dont see any disrespect from me, they see i’ve put myself through school and have a steady job and i’m going places. they aren’t staring at me like ok when are you leaving. believe it or not, my mother understands my need to leave but doesnt want me to- i’m her only child and my son is her only grandson. i move, he moves with me. she knows i’m prepared- emotionally and is supportive of my desires but she sure isnt pushing it lol

[Reply]
Traci reply on June 25, 2008 2:47 pm:
Under those circumstances I would most certainly be willing to allow my kids to continue to live with me but you are right in that some people just use it as an excuse to be irresponsible. My younger brother moved out of my moms house once and came back a short time later. He uses her as a total crutch. He does not work and has not sustained a job longer than 5 months ever. He is turning 30 this September. My brother would be on the streets before he pimped me like he is doing my mom. Being that I moved out so young I have a great appreciation for how hard it is out there trying to make ends meet so I am willing to help in any way that I can until they can make it on the there but still encouraging them to continue to try to make it on their own. There is nothing like having your own. It is a difficult task in trying to make certain they are ready and not allowing them to use you as a crutch. I guess we all just have to play it by ear.

[Reply]
Troublsome

Sometimes you have to let the birds fly on their own sooner than others! I think the birds that are sheltered and kept longer, t times end up at a more diadvantage than the ones that leave the coop early!

[Reply]
SB

i assume your child leaving the nest is like letting go of their bicycle seat- your letting them experience how it is to ride or live life life without your security net.

Is living life without a security net truly adulthood? I guess one would learn many life skills in such circumstances, at the very least to be self-sufficient. If adulthood is surviving and maintaining on your own with no plan B, do the wealthy ever truly become adults? They’ll always have their inheritance to rely on…

The more i think this out…the more i think its irrelevant how long a child stays at home…so long as they are productive in their life. Yes, they might not have all the street-smarts and resourcefulness as someone whose been on their own but is that truly a disadvantage?

[Reply]
Talisman reply on June 25, 2008 4:31 pm:
Can be, depending on the environment. I’d be lost on a farm but I could survive living on my own in a number of large cities around the globe. Also, what is you lose everything? I’ve seen plenty of people flounder in an urban environment when they lose their safety net, for whatever reason. If you’ve had to be resourceful and survive on your own (and you were successful), that gives you a leg-up in all kinds of future situations that come your way. You derive a certain confidence that stays with you.

So yes, in our growing international community, it can be a disadvantage, especially for people living in the social culture of America.

[Reply]
Q.

i’m kicking my babies out!! they hit 18, they better have a job or a scholarship!!

[Reply]
SB reply on June 26, 2008 1:35 pm:
LMAO you are ridiculous!

Why do your children have to leave at 18? what if they’re late bloomers?

[Reply]
Q. reply on June 26, 2008 1:44 pm:
lol.. i’m just sayin’..

i have confidence in my future parenting abilities that my babies will be ready by then to figure out something.. shoot, they can work for me for all i know.. but they gettin’ out!! i won’t allow 1 of them to set a bad standard for my other baby :-)..

get up and get out!!

[Reply]
SB reply on June 26, 2008 1:47 pm:
im convinced Q, your crazy!

why is staying at home a bad thing?…sheeet- youll probably be the best dad ever and if thats the case then why would your child want to end a good thing by leaving? What if they were highly successful in school or sports but just didnt want to leave you? Are you really going to make them leave?

[Reply]
Q. reply on June 26, 2008 1:54 pm:

ok, ok, let me stop frontin’.. my baby girl (when i’m blessed to have her) will be able to stay with me forever.. now that lil’ Black kid? he getting kicked out!!

really though, i was so independent as a kid, that i see my babies following in my footsteps.. they are going to be spoiled royally for 18 years, so i figure they will want to stay, but at the same time, i’ll need them to gain their own independence.. cuz if they living w/ me during the college years, then they will be subject to my rules.. and you best believe that i will make those rules some “adult rules” and they won’t like them.. rules such as don’t eat/drink nothing you didn’t pay for.. the maid is not for you.. clean your own clothes, buy your own detergent.. wash your own dishes.. unless you’re invited to dinner in the dining room, don’t touch nothing..

i figure with those rules, they’ll be running to get out after that first summer!!

[Reply]
SB reply on June 26, 2008 1:59 pm:
WTF Q…talk about tough love!!! LMAO @ that lil’ black kid getting kicked out….

How you gonna raise them like princes and princesses and then implement slave rules on them?….{shaking my head} I guess youll give them a warning and theyll be ready for when that day comes…

[Reply]
Q. reply on June 26, 2008 3:55 pm:
yup, you said it right.. tough love!! lol.. i just want them to be prepared for how the world can turn on you in a second.. who better to provide that lesson than daddy??!!

[Reply]
SB reply on June 26, 2008 3:57 pm:
Oh Q, how sick! but true all at the same time….

[Reply]
Q. reply on June 27, 2008 2:51 pm:
i’m just sayin’..

[Reply]
"A Mom" reply on June 26, 2008 2:39 pm:
Q
I don’t believe you. When the time comes. I think you will love them being at home.
I figure if they doing the right things and sharing in the house. Then we room mates
I miss my kids, most of the time.

[Reply]
Q. reply on June 26, 2008 3:56 pm:
yeah, you’re probably right.. but if they do stay in the crib, they gotta make sure i don’t be wearing no Bill Cosby sweaters or nothing.. they better take care of me!!

[Reply]
"A Mom" reply on June 26, 2008 4:19 pm:
My two boys have done very well out in the world. Even though I’m a worry wort.
Now as for my daugther, who is the baby and the one we all spoiled. She is still at home. Personally I don’t think she is ready for the world. She wants to be an adult somedays and other days she’s a baby. She works and she was going to school but decided she wanted to work more and put college on hold. She had problem balancing both. I guess I have to let go and let her touch the waters so that she can function in the world sooner or later.

[Reply]
Lag

Hah, I remember when I was in high school, my mom told me I was NOT allowed to move back in later. Then, when I came home for four months in between jobs, she told me she never wanted me to leave, but I couldn’t wait to get back out of there. Nobody knows what’s best!

[Reply]
mrs. 39 ways of trouble

grow up and learn to fly, thats it. You cant be coddled forever, it comes a time when one must get up and make a life for themselves.

[Reply]
Gii

Oh wow! Right now, I guess I’m glad I’m not in America nor am I American. I’ve turned 18 six months ago, and I’m still at home. Obviously not because I want to, but because Brasil’s set of values doesn’t allow an 18-year old girl to leave just like that. Firstly, you won’t find a job that pays you enough so that you can pay rent, food and basic stuff to live on your own, you know? I always did have that urge to leave home though, maybe because of the constant contact with the American Culture, but I’m glad my parents haven’t kicked me out nor will they (I hope). A side of me really wants to go, but another side is so glad I’m still here because I still get to hang out with my younger brother. At some point in life I won’t be able to just hang out with him that often, and that surely will be ok because I had lots of time to do that. You know? I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s really cool to leave home, but being home will always be great, including when you have syblings that you are so linked with.

[Reply]
Q. reply on June 27, 2008 2:50 pm:
welcome..

International TROUBL.. i like the sound of that..

[Reply]
Gii reply on June 27, 2008 11:32 pm:
and you are…? (as in who are u)
wait a mintue, aren’t you the one that said you’d kick out ur kids?

I’m glad I ain’t ur kid. hahahaha

[Reply]
Q. reply on June 28, 2008 8:50 am:
you got jokes??

[Reply]
Gii reply on June 28, 2008 10:36 am:
am just saying
thanks for welcoming me though.

[Reply]

TROUBL

Empty Nest

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