TROUBL

So, which is it? Are we talking about football today to focus on bread and circuses, or have we decided that things like nationally-televised sporting events are insignificant today, the Darkest Monday to occur in the history of all of mankind or something?

That is a trick question. Hell, yes, we are talking about football. The $700 billion bailout package failed today, and stocks plummeted further than anytime since the Dow Jones Industrial Average began tracking such things in 1896. But as of this writing, Monday Night Football has not been canceled, so we will enjoy the sight of Pittsburgh steamrolling over the Baltimore Ravens in blissful ignorance of the current economic situation.

It only becomes a crisis when they cancel Monday Night Football. Write that down.

[you don't seem to be taking it all that seriously] I’ll admit it, I’m not. The bailout package, as discussed last week, was a dumb piece of unjustified, ill-considered shock therapy that offered no accountability to anyone, and I am happy to see it defeated. The numbers never made sense, and no one could ever explain where they came from. Most importantly, there was never any guarantee that it would actually help anything. 

So what the hell? Sorry about your stocks, y’all, but this wasn’t the way to keep the numbers high. To use yet another football metaphor, in a feeble attempt to keep this column on-topic, it doesn’t matter if you manage to pull a quick third-quarter lead if you’re not prepared for the end-game, and the previous week’s stock surge as all the wide-eyed brokers and bankers prepared for the coming of Government Santa was the same thing that happened in weeks two and three to my beloved Chicago Bears- a flash of hope before reality came crashing down.

Or, to put it slightly more positively, if you’re bummed that the bailout didn’t happen and see the 777-point slide the Dow took today as a great tragedy, consider this- how fucked would we be if we had spent $700,000,000,000 on the bailout and it stilldidn’t work?

[at least as fucked as the Cincinnati Bengals] Onto the bread and circuses, then. Rome may fall, but it’s not going to be for lack of a bankruptcy bill, and the fact that the Ravens and the Steelers just kicked off proves that it won’t happen tonight.

Instead we get another week the most interesting NFL season in years. As of Week Four, there are only two 4-0 teams in the league, both in the AFC: Buffalo and Tennessee. Neither of them has appeared dominant, and aside from the 2-2 Jacksonville Jaguars, they’ve both faced nothing but teams with losing records. The New York Giants have a 3-0 going, with a bye this past Sunday, and depending on the outcome of tonight’s game, Baltimore could end up 3-0, as well. This isn’t going to be a year where 16-0 is a likely possibility for anybody even as far into the season as the midway point, and the result is exciting football. By week nine, most of the league could well be at 4-4, and the competition will only get more fierce. If the financial situation does precipitate the Collapse Of Western Society As We Know It, they’re really delivering on the bread-and-circuses front.

[the week ahead...] I spend a lot of time in this column ridiculing people for making stupid predictions, which has led to some readers accusing me of taking the easy way out. Dan, they say, you say that everyone else’s predictions only expose their ignorance, but you never offer any of your own. Is that really fair?

I am forced to admit that it is not. So here are some things I expect will happen this week:

• The economy does not fully meltdown, proving that everyone who said we had to act now now now, before anyone even had a chance to read the fucking bailout bill, was maybe exaggerating its urgency.
• Sarah Palin, dealing with lower expectations than anyone in America except maybe whoever ends up succeeding Matt Millen as the Detroit Lions’ general manager, ends up being declared the winner in Thursday night’s debate with Joe Biden. She’ll achieve this because everyone watching will expect to see her ramble incoherently like Miss Teen South Carolina about how some people don’t have maps, and instead she’ll recite pre-scripted talking points to any number of questions. Joe Biden will not tear out her throat with his teeth, or even call her a moron to her face.
• John McCain will do something so fully retarded that it’s near-impossible to see coming beforehand. Like, maybe he eats a baby on TV or something.
• Tennessee falls to Baltimore.
• Buffalo falls to Arizona.
• The Falcons beat the Packers.
• The Chiefs beat the Panthers.
• The Eagles win over the Redskins, and the NFC East remains more or
  less even.
• Brett Favre contracts a case of whooping cough on Saturday morning, and slowly falls back into retirement.

That’s a good list, I think, a solid set of predictions that I feel good about. At least six of them will happen, and the three that don’t will be near-misses. Take that to your bookie, and when you come back next week, and I talk more shit about people who make foolish predictions, know that it’s coming from a position of strength.