RSSCheaters & Liars
You try hard not to let your insecurities get the best of you. You just can’t shake the feeling that something was not right. You begin to entertain the thought of looking through your partner’s phone or email. Do you have the right as their partner? You should be able trust your partner enough not to invade his or her privacy, but if you were to resort to snooping, can it be justified?
Shouldn’t snooping be allowed when you attempt to talk to your partner, have given him the benefit of a doubt on several occasions, and yet he continues to have no reasonable explanation for the shift behavior? You’re entitled to know why he’s being rude, distant or careless.
So you convince yourself that it is within your rights. You succumb to temptation and your worst fear is confirmed. The person that you love and trust with your heart, the person you’re in a committed relationship with has been sleeping with someone else… The message reads: “When will I see you again? I can’t wait to feel you on top of me again.” You are shocked. Last Thursday your partner said they were going out with their friends.
Your partner no longer seems like the same person to you anymore and you begin to question all their actions. Their claims of “I love you” sound like a string of lies. You begin to think that you did it to yourself. You just had to know the truth and the bitter truth is what you received. How do you handle this situation? What is Do you or can you overlook this piece of valuable information you’ve uncovered deviously?
After talking with some friends, they stated that cheating is the inevitable in long-term relationships. When I stepped back and thought about it, I don’t know of many long-term couples that have not cheated on each other- sad but true! So it is my belief that people are more inclined to forgive and forget because they can sympathize or at least understand their partner’s sentiments.
Now, the situation is really complicated. You know he or she is cheating but you found out in a deceitful manner. So, who is to blame for the destruction of the relationship—the unfaithful person or the snoop? Or, does the deceit cancel out?
In my mind, the unfaithful person is at fault. If the unfaithful person were honest from the beginning, the sneak would not have to resort to snooping. The deceit does not cancel out. It’s one thing to sneak a peak of your partners phone or email when their not around, but it is something entirely different to sleep with someone else and still have the nerve to kiss and make love to your partner like nothing happened! Both actions are wrong but cheating takes the lead by far.
68 Comments, Comment or Ping
Torrie
My theory has always and will continue to be two wrongs don’t make any of it right.
The fact is the person went looking for something and they found it so guess what they have to deal with it. Maybe the reason the person cheated or is cheating because the other persons insecurities come out in other ways.
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TROUBLMan reply on June 11, 2008 11:04 am:
While I agree that someone’s insecurities can push you away, they don’t justify cheating. If your partners is insecure for no reason make an ultimatum: get over that shit or I’m out. That way cheating never gets involved and they know that you recognize their insecurities.
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Talisman reply on June 11, 2008 9:57 pm:
Co-sign! Nothing justifies cheating.
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Mr. East Bay reply on June 11, 2008 10:12 pm:
Its only cheating if you get caught. This type of situation is a snow ball effect. If someone is constantly going through someones phone or email they probley don’t have much of a life, or are insecure with themselves. Also if they feel the need to go through there partners stuff, they really shouldn’t be with that person. Their going to feel retarded if they investigate and come up empty handed. The time being used investigating should be used towards something else. Working out, making money, or eating ect… Theres so much to do in the world rather than convincing yourself that your partner is cheating. I also feel that if someone feels the need to go through there partners stuff, it will more than likely push the recepiant to go on ahead and cheat. Keisha Cole said it the Best “I might as well had Lied to You…OH…as much as you accused me of lying” Just how the world works. Don’t play with Knifes if you don’t wanna get cut!!!
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Malia reply on June 12, 2008 7:26 am:
Great advice!
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*SB* reply on June 12, 2008 8:31 am:
Im gonna have to disagree with you…cheating is cheating regardless if you were slick enough to get away with it or not. That *ish about “what your partner doesnt know wont hurt them” is for the birds. Yeah you were masterful at conniving your partner into thinking you are an angel but that doesnt make it ok. Please believe if you found out your partner was cheating you wouldnt hava non-chalant attitude about it. *ish youll probably rip their throat out! So lets practice the golden rule!!!
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Talisman reply on June 12, 2008 1:56 pm:
Only cheating if you get caught?! Gotta agree with SB on this, cheatin’ is cheatin’!
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Diane reply on December 16, 2008 1:27 am:
Ever deal with a very ill bipolar person and total player? He seems to think since he “tells” everyone one that he is seeing lots of people..it’s perfectly ok. That’s after he already played me so much that he wrapped me into his spell. To top it off..he lives with someone. How do they get away with it? I might be somewhat naive, but I’m not that naive. He is a master at the game. Shouldn’t he be accountable for hurting woman’s feelings? Help! Anyone out there in the same situation?
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TROUBLMan
As a man, there’s no way I can justify snooping. I always seem to find women who love to look in my phone. It’s the “my phone is dead, can I use yours” excuse that gets them past my password. Having nothing to hide, I let them use it. And it never fails that they find a text message that they want to question. “Who is this; who is that; what do you mean you miss her.” Damn… can’t a brotha have female friends without being accused of cheating.
Cheating is worse than snooping but at the end of the day they both mean you need to reevaluate either your self esteem or your relationship. I’ve experienced the snooping and the cheating. My experience tells me that the person snooping usually has something their hiding.
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KV27 reply on June 11, 2008 11:15 am:
I agree, people can create alotta drama over a text messages/e-mails that in reality is nothing.
Cheating is by far the worse of the two, but snooping shows a lack of trust in the relationship.
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KV27 reply on June 11, 2008 11:16 am:
and you can’t have a relationship that can really work if one side can’t trust the other.
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Alwayswrite reply on June 11, 2008 11:35 am:
Now, you know niggas can’t have female friends UNLESS we’re cheating. Have to eat that. If she is that insecure, then you probably shouldn’t be with her. If you are cheating, then you still shouldn’t be with her.
Question TM, the person snooping usually has something their hiding? Like what? Or, maybe I have the sneak and snoop defined wrong.
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TROUBLMan reply on June 11, 2008 2:02 pm:
I have female friends and I’m not giving them up for any woman, even if she’s my wife.
As far as what the snoops is hiding, who knows? It could be that they’re having sex with someone else or simply entertaining other people come-ons with conversation.
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TROUBLMan reply on June 11, 2008 3:47 pm:
Even if she’s your wife, yes, you’ll give them friends up…trust. If you don’t, then you’ll be divorced and fucking them anyway…lol
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Diane reply on December 16, 2008 1:32 am:
If you have any wierd feelings that he is cheating…I would check his phone. Unfortantely…don’t trust anyone! I trusted soemone, gave them my heart and soul….would have done anything for him. He treated me like a dog. Hurt my feelings over and over. Some men just do not care!
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SB reply on December 16, 2008 4:56 pm:
diane…let me start by saying that it is crazy that you wrote on this article around this time because i have been going through alot related to this topic…
i feel you girl…some men dont care…but they have issues…issues that are bigger than you or I…
but to be honest…a man will only do to you what you allow him to do…
as someone who has been on both sides of the cheating game- i dont know how they do it..i felt the relief of being with someone else but it was followed by tremendous remorse…
i try not to be bitter about it or untrusting because of it…i know now that its all said and done- im better off without him. i have learned enough about myself from the experience to have a better relationship when that day comes… for now- im living the single life and loving it…i wish the same to you…
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She-Rell
My rule is if Im entertaining snooping…its time for us to leave this relationship. I dont wanna be a snooper, once you go looking you find more than you bargined for, and if it has gotten that bad its best to just leave it alone.
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Shanna reply on June 11, 2008 11:27 am:
I agree. When I have to treat my man like he is one of my sons, its
time to call it quits.
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TROUBLMan reply on June 11, 2008 12:11 pm:
Fa real!!!
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Alwayswrite reply on June 11, 2008 11:37 am:
Basically. I’m not going to spend my days wondering if she cheating. Why? I can have less of a headache either getting another girl or being by myself.
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*SB* reply on June 11, 2008 11:42 am:
I think its a quest for truth that make people wonder if the other is cheating…I agree that it is less of a headache to just move on but i think that people desire the truth especially after they have invested so much time and energy into the other person. I guess they need it for closure…
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Malia reply on June 11, 2008 2:39 pm:
Nah…I’m good. I don’t want to know that shit! I don’t want to see that shit! I don’t even want a fucking visual playin’ in my head! If you want to be w/ someone else, take yo ass on! Leave me the fuck alone!
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alwayswrite reply on June 11, 2008 3:50 pm:
I feel you Malia. I don’t need to know. The only closure I need is for that female to close the door behind her cheating ass.
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Talisman reply on June 11, 2008 10:01 pm:
Ain’t that simple if the bitch is flyin’ under da radar (speakin’ from experience). I got hella blindsided by my last one. Snooped to confirm and eventually, she got cut.
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toy reply on June 11, 2008 1:21 pm:
i definitely agree with you. i have been the snooper in the relationship and although i was dealing with a cheater, i was wrong and the only reason that i was snooping was because i already knew the truth, i just need confirmation. those day have since passed me and i refuse to go back to that place of investigation. if you think he’s cheating, he probably is. woman’s intuition is a strong instinct. listen to it. and if i feel like i have to snoop these days its because i don’t trust him…and a relationship without trust isn’t one. time to keep it pushin.
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Malia reply on June 11, 2008 2:40 pm:
EXACTLY!!!! Once you feel the desire to snoop through his phone—-YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER!!!
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Malia
No, it is NEVER right to through someone’s stuff. When I get married, I won’t even go through my husband’s stuff. I should feel secure enough in the ralationship and have enough trust in the MAN I CHOSE without playing inspector gadget.
But I also have been there with all those unspoken signs that somethin’ just ain’t right! They say sometimes, that when someone is cheating they want less sex. Often a spouse will try to trick your mind into thinking that your suspicion is just you, that your’re the crazy one but the facts will be present you just have to know where to look. Don’t let your mind trick you out of believing your findings and making excuses. Then don’t let your spouse try to trick you because they will definitely try. The underlying truth is, some cheaters deep down wish they are caught and will drop all kind of clues to you.
I have been cheated on before, so ladies beware, if he’s good at the “game” he will play it well, You will fight more and more, he will get mad at you very easily, and he will find ways to make you mad, so when you fight he can break up with you and be “the bigger man” (yeah right). He will always lie to you about where he’s going, he may say he’s going out with the fellas, but he’s really out with some chick,
But if your partner does a change, and starts acting BRAND NEW all of a sudden you should ask yourself why.
When your partner changes the way they act around you that means either they are showing you signs that they don’t really care for you too much anymore. They don’t call, they’re no longer concerned. Been there…
Your partner disappears for long hours with no excuse and no phone calls.
Your partner has a convenient excuse for everything that cuts their communication short with you, or their where abouts. The phone was dead, the computer went down, I was helping my friends move this weekend.. And all that BS!!! I’ve heard it all!!!
I can recite word for word the last lie I was told and I can feel the disappointment that still kills me to this day!
If any of those signs are showing themselves…RUN!!!!
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*SB* reply on June 11, 2008 11:36 am:
Ok i have to ask…since youve had people cheat on you before…
Can you forgive a cheater? or is it once a cheater always a cheater?
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Alwayswrite reply on June 11, 2008 11:41 am:
Once a cheater, always a cheater. I mean, you can forgive him/her, but they will always be a cheater. They may not cheat again, but they will always be a cheater.
Furthermore, cheaters bank on forgiveness. That’s how they flip a coin. 50/50. She’ll take me back–and I’ll try really hard not to do it again. Or, she’ll leave and I’ll fuck around with the girl I’ve been fucking around with. So, either way, he winning.
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*SB* reply on June 11, 2008 11:44 am:
So i take it you have a no-forgiveness policy for cheaters?
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TROUBLMan reply on June 11, 2008 12:10 pm:
I have a policy for cheaters. I forgive cheaters if, over time, their actions say they are sincere. I’ve been a cheater before and I’ve needed the benefit of the doubt, so I understand. Still, don’t talk the talk and then continue to be on some shady shit.
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Malia reply on June 11, 2008 12:49 pm:
Yes, I can forgive, BUT ONLY ONCE!
I think you’re right TM it depends on the sincerity and the reasons he cheated and how many times are all factors when deciding if you can forgive and move on.
Something definitely dies though….
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*SB* reply on June 11, 2008 3:08 pm:
So now i have to ask….can you forgive someone for snooping through your phone…or does the same rule apply…once a snoop always a snoop?
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mrschocolatestuff reply on June 11, 2008 4:53 pm:
NO- cant trust them. if i have to hide my sh*t around them, i cant be around them
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blaq reply on June 11, 2008 4:55 pm:
Yes but only if I know hwy it was done and then we deal with it If they lie about it or deny it heck no
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Alfred reply on June 11, 2008 4:56 pm:
nope
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Malia reply on June 11, 2008 4:58 pm:
No way can you regain that trust. I’d have to take my celly with me everywhere I went (even in the house) or put it on lock, have to change all my passwords, have to change my behaviior because I would think they were watchin’ me all the dang time. Not a good look…
It would be easier to walk away then to walk on eggshells for someone else’s insecurities…..
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AwesomeAfrican reply on June 12, 2008 3:08 pm:
Sounds like trust issues, why are you with me or around me if you feel a need to to go through my phone or snoop around for stuff, keep stepping and we’ll both be ok
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alwayswrite reply on June 11, 2008 3:56 pm:
NOOOOOPPPPEEEEE! I can forgive you, but you can’t be with me afterwards. But, then, again, maybe I haven’t met the right female where I’m willing to say, “Well, baby, it’s okay. We can work it out.” And, honestly, I hope I don’t have to meet her.
The same goes for me, if I was the cheater. You can forgive me, but don’t take me back. I’ll cheat again. I don’t expect anyone to take me back after I cheat. I always tell myself and other people this: When I get married (and I definitely want to), I refuse to cheat on my wife. If I do, then I’ll just tell her and we get divorced. Shit, is not going to be the same afterwards, no matter how much counseling, God, or whatever else supposedly works. My thing is, once trust is broken. The shit is broken. Might as well move on and start building trust with someone else, b/c essentially, that’s what you’re going to be doing anyway with the person you cheated on.
It just amazes me how people cheat and then expect the relationship to be all good, be like something prior to the cheating. Naw, it’s just not going to happen.
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Malia reply on June 11, 2008 4:06 pm:
Move on and start building trust with someone else??? Come on…it doesn’t work that way! I would rather repair the fucked up one than to go out and fuck up an entirely new one with unresolved issues. I don’t mind mending a broken relationship and righting the wrongs. It just has to worth it! It has to be the desire of both parties. I’ve tried to maintain happiness with ONLY me putting in work! I will tell you right now THAT SHIT DON’T WORK!!!! But moving on and building trust with someone else would just piss me off if I gave you all my love and you build on that with someone else! GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!
YOU NEED TO STAY SINGLE!!!
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Talisman reply on June 11, 2008 10:09 pm:
To me, its simple. My ex cheated on monolithic proportions…for no discernible reason and lies as sweet as the Devil. I did the forgiveness thing and she went back to her cheating ways. That is the last time I’ll forgive a cheater. If future women step out, they cut. Period.
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Malia reply on June 12, 2008 2:51 pm:
Dang, Monolithic????? LMAO!!!! I feel you bruh…..
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Talisman reply on June 12, 2008 2:59 pm:
Malia, had to bust out the “big words” for her crazy ass actions! LOL! Nobody I’ve talked to has seen anything like it before or since….
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Malia reply on June 12, 2008 3:03 pm:
That’s scary Talisman! LOL….especially w/ the whole “lies as sweet as the devil?” reference (she must have been somethin’ else)…you need to write a piece on it—-I would love hear all the MONOLITHIC details!
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Talisman reply on June 12, 2008 3:09 pm:
Maybe I should…SB is echoing your sentiment…
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*SB* reply on June 12, 2008 3:19 pm:
He needs to turn those experiences into a really great novel and get cashed out Sheeeeeeeeet!
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Talisman reply on June 12, 2008 3:21 pm:
LMAO!!!
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kered reply on June 11, 2008 12:46 pm:
Not so much about forgiving them. It’s the trust factor. You cannot
have a relationship with out trust.
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Sardonyx Jade reply on June 11, 2008 12:54 pm:
Depends on the situation. Cheating happens for different reasons. If it was a crime of opportunity and circumstance in response to heightened libido, I could forgive. If if was a crime of prolonged exposure and continued infidelity I could not.
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alwayswrite reply on June 11, 2008 3:58 pm:
Either way the trust is broken though. So…
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Torrie reply on June 11, 2008 1:53 pm:
I can forgive a cheater, but not repetitive cheating.
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Traci reply on June 11, 2008 1:54 pm:
I don’t know if I could forgive a cheater. I was with someone for 10 years and he cheated on me the whole time. I told myself that I deserve a whole lot more than to put up with that ever again!
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Nicole reply on June 11, 2008 1:55 pm:
That’s a hard one. Yes, but it will always be in the back of my mind that they cheated.
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K RAMSEY reply on June 11, 2008 4:02 pm:
Sure why not. I would have to strongly consider it; and ask why should I stay, and what would we gain from continuing this relationship before I make my decision.
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"A Mom" reply on June 12, 2008 12:33 pm:
You can forgive.
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Alwayswrite reply on June 11, 2008 11:44 am:
Maybe his phone did just cut off. Maybe the computer was bad. Maybe he was just too tired from sex…Why can’t that be the case?
People do go through different spells. That doesn’t mean he’s cheating. There is no one I know who is consistent always. If anything, people are consistently inconsistent.
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*SB* reply on June 11, 2008 11:51 am:
I do believe that peoples behavior change all the time….but lets be real…how many times in the course of a month is your cell phone gonna cut off- “charge the damn thing!”…i believe peoples sexual apetites change alot also but men love sex- its like you guys have reserved energy just for sex….and yall seldom ever turn it down…i think if hes too tired once or twice- i wouldnt think anything of it….have that be the norm and i know somethings up…
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Malia reply on June 11, 2008 2:44 pm:
ALWAYSWRITE—–you are a real piece of work! LOL!!!!
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bballmom reply on June 11, 2008 2:00 pm:
I agree Malia, you have to trust until the signs become obvious.
Remember when you seek, you will find and you might not like what you find.
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can't say
I mean what if they lost they charger
you know how that goes!
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*SB* reply on June 11, 2008 2:14 pm:
I know who you are now and we need to talk and catch up!
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Sparkule
Most of the time when someone is cheating they’re always on the defensive side about everything lil thang. However watch out fo the really gud ones or the ones that just go into total flipmode. Ex. Negro ain’t said “i love you” in a few mths and neva ask fo SEX. He comes home from wrk one day and ask u do u want 2 go out 2 dinner. Afterwards he
initiates sex. Gurl ur radar should be off the scale!
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"A Mom"
I love when we talk about these issues. This get us talking and hopefully we can start understanding each other.
SB relax, I think that routines are something we get use to and when something changes we think something is wrong. Maybe just Maybe this is not the case.
Do you really have any evidence he is cheating? or are you trying to find something?
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blaq
If I have to do all that then he must go I don’t believe that I should or must do this if I don’t trust you I cant be with you that simple .Yes I have been cheated on I caught once in person twice I found under garments that were two sizes bigger than mine .For me I don’t cheat I tell ask you for what I need in the relationship if we cant achieve it then I am gone I am not so insecure I allow myself to snoop or go there I follow gut which if I had when I was married I wouldn’t have stayed as long as I did
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Q.
that snooping ish is for the birds.. if you snoop and find something, then i believe you deserve it.. because at that point it’s already over.. you know that before you snoop.. so, if you need that confirmation, just get it and keep it moving.. nothing good can come out of bringing it to the other person’s attention.. nothing..
no one is getting my phone.. i’m not saying i’m cheating or doing anything like that, but i know that someone can read into things much more than they are.. “where you watching the game tonight? - Keisha” something as simple as that can be bad news for a dude that’s not even doing nothing.. shoot, some women are slick and will send crazy stuff.. same with dudes..
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Malia reply on June 11, 2008 4:21 pm:
Yeah, yeah yeah…but if your girl knows you and your life, then more than likeely she knows Keisha too and Keisha wouldn’t mind if yall both went to watch the game at her house! I’m just sayin’ (It’s that sneaky mess that’s gets people into trouble. Avaoiding a call when you normally always answer the phone. Stop texting when I walk into the room, yea, that)
I think you’re right though, I have a lot of male friends and I’m not giving up their friendship for my man and he would never ask me to. There has to me mutual trust and respect for the ish to work anyway!
What good is snooping? Once you’ve found what you’re looking for it’s wrap!
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PB
You reap what you sow. While the actions of the male in this instance were brazenly disrespectful and sophomoric, the females actions also lacked decency and respect. Relationships aren’t supposed to be warfare so there is no need for espionage and deceit. If you are compelled to act in such a clandestine manner around the one you “love”, I suggest you re-evaluate what it is that you so love about this individual. If you’re willing to continue a life of covert operations just to check the status of his fidelity, then proceed with this relationship. However, in my judgement, the foundation of a good relationship is trust. Its evident that the individuals in your example lack this fundamental ingredient. Cheating is deplorable, and should never be accepted. I wholeheartedly believe cheaters are shameful and spineless, but two wrongs don’t make a right.
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Malia reply on June 12, 2008 2:59 pm:
Great writing skills!
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Reply to “Cheaters & Liars”
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