RSS…Between Love & Hurt
As the song says, “There’s a thin line between love and hate”…it seems
as though that thin line is often blurred from emotions when people are in a relationship. More often than not we hear of relationships that have turned violent and/or we have been apart of an abusive relationship our selves at one point.
I know a significant number of women who have been in physically abusing relationships… sadly; I don’t know very many women who have not been in one. Many women do not report their experiences for several reasons…some exit the relationship before the violence will escalate but many remain loyal to their partner- Excusing their partner’s brutal behavior as an example of the intense love they hold for one another…twisted logic but true in many situations…
Before you start drifting off into stereotypical thoughts of domestic violence (i.e. Ike & Tina) consider this…
Some interesting facts were revealed in a controlled study conducted by the American Journal of Public Health. According to the report, “Almost 24% of all relationships had some violence, and half (49.7%) of those were reciprocally violent. In nonreciprocally violent relationships, women were the perpetrators in more than 70% of the cases.”
When I first read this I was not surprised…I’ve seen and heard of it many times. A woman hits her man out of frustration and anger then gives the look, “I wish you would hit me back.” Not that all domestic assaults are initiated by women but the provoking behavior is not helpful…which leads us to the battered man.
Many people scoff at the idea of a man being abused by his wife or girlfriend but there is a good population of men suffering from abuse. The National Institute of Justice and the Center for Disease Control reveals that “1.3 million women and 835,000 men are the victims of domestic violence each year,” so both men and women can be the
assailant in a relationship.
Unfortunately, male victims are even more unlikely to report their abuse…In fact, I can’t recall any of my guy friends admitting to being abused…I assume out of shame and fear of being judged…
This is an epidemic that stretches across color and class lines… so why is it that people hurt the one they claim to love the most?
45 Comments, Comment or Ping
EDDIE
What about MEN who have been the victim of domestic violence? It seems that when this issue is put out,it’s normally assumed that men are the abuser, but we have men who dont fight women, but are hit by the woman, or are verbally abused. This happens most of all. Women are the first to call a man out of his name,yell,throw things at the man,and the woman can more than not get away with it.
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Malia reply on May 6, 2008 8:19 am:
You are absolutely right Eddie! Women even lead men on to be aggressive just so they can get into physical altercations. Then they turn around and call the police and act like the victim and the police inevitably side with the female.
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EDDIE reply on May 6, 2008 8:26 am:
I think when you have groups like NOW, and House of Ruth, which have such a manipulative lobby, women for the most part can literally get away with MURDER. It’s the same when you have Women teachers having sex with male students. These are Boys, yet very seldom will the Teacher get adequate time, but if it’s a Male teacher and a female student, the teacher will get thrown UNDER the jail and the key thrown away.Men always seem to get jacked up,while a woman will get the likes of Gloria Alridge, who is a male hating,male basing,freak. She hasn’t met a case in which it’s a male vs. female she hasn’t liked.
The media eats this crap up, instead of going with the facts, they go with crocodile tears.
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TROUBLMan reply on May 6, 2008 8:36 am:
Great observation when it comes to female teachers. I don’t think female child predators are even a part of America’s consciousness.
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Ev reply on May 6, 2008 9:34 am:
As the mother of 2 sons, I know that this issue has been sticking in the back of your mind.
You know full and well the games that are played by females (not real women) to get rid of men. You also know that so many females are confused by their childhood conditioning that they can act to create violence without even knowing that is is what they are looking to do.
You can’t be on both sides of this issue. You either have to fight for what is right or go with the masses and continue with the demonization of Black Men. Domestic violence is too often used as a tool to demonize and break Black men. Let’s face it.
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Malia reply on May 6, 2008 9:39 am:
Yes, I warn my boys about silly females and the games they play and I also tell them to keep their hands to themselves. My son was in a fight the other day, because he walked this girl home from school and a guy followed him because he was jelaous!!! I was so horrified!!!! I didn’t know what to do.
But you also know me Ev and you know that I was almost raped by a man and he broke my nose and gave me two black eyes…..I’m sorry…, I don’t EVER think a man has a right to put to his hands on a woman…EVER!!!!! This subject was so close that I really didn’t want to post to it. I hate to put myself out there like this!
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She-Rell reply on May 6, 2008 9:42 am:
I’m not gonna agree with never ever. Cause if a chick is seriously trying to harm my son/my brother etc. He better beat the hell outta her ass.
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Malia reply on May 6, 2008 9:45 am:
I would hope my sons are good judges of character and wouldn’t waste time with some sorry a$$ chick who solves issues with violence. Now there are just ghetto a$$ people everywhere and if they are threatening me or my children f*ck the beating them down, I’m about to bust a cap in their a$$!!!
EYE FOR AN EYE!!!!
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S.H.I.E.L.D. reply on May 6, 2008 9:56 am:
HELL YEAH…CLAP BACK MALIA…
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She-Rell reply on May 6, 2008 9:58 am:
Oh I would hope so too, however Ive seen it TOO many times. Hell my brother is dating a fool right now….I wanna put hands on her so bad.
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*SB* reply on May 6, 2008 10:21 am:
Malia- LMAO
I know you may feel like you need to pop a B*$#@ sometimes but dont OD… i think brass knuckles or a baseball bat will do just fine…
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Malia reply on May 6, 2008 10:31 am:
LOL!!!!
I’m sayin…..
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TROUBLMan reply on May 6, 2008 9:54 am:
Damn…That’s really how you feel? I’m not with that. I’ve seen too many women in my life get battered and whether they provoked it or not, no man should beat a woman’s ass.
Shaking the shit out of her is a different story though. LOL
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She-Rell reply on May 6, 2008 10:08 am:
I dont believe a man should touch a woman……however Im also gonna say this. A woman shouldnt touch a man. Now if she does then IMO she needs to be prepared that since she overstepped her bounds as a woman, that she may be hit back. Period.
On the situation with my brother I said that I wanna lay hands on her, Im female for the record
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*SB* reply on May 6, 2008 10:20 am:
I concur! I personally agree with female’s in the family beating down another female in respect for their brother/father/unc/cuz whatever…to me, its apart of your responsibility as a female family member!!
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Talisman reply on May 6, 2008 10:57 am:
SB - Responsibility?! LMAO. So they’re anointed, right? I just messin’ with you…
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alwayswrite reply on May 6, 2008 11:48 am:
I agree. My logic is when a woman makes it a point to hit me and try to really hurt me–like a man would–then she has overstepped the boundary of being a woman, and she needs to get hit back, simply for my self-preservation. But, not the face, just grabbed tightly and shaken…
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TROUBLMan
I don’t understand men who get abused. To me, there’s no way a man should let a woman abuse him. For one, defend yourself. That goes whether it be a man or woman. I’m not saying hit back, I’m totally against hitting women, but damn at least use some strength to restrain her. If that’s not enough, leave the relationship. If you’re smart and in control enough not to hit a woman, be smart and in control enough to leave…
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Malia reply on May 6, 2008 8:20 am:
I agree TM that men are stronger and that in itself should stop men from being abused, but have you ever seen those big girls who fight like dudes???? They scare me…lol!!!
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TROUBLMan reply on May 6, 2008 8:34 am:
I have seen them. LOL. Matta of fact, I know a few. I always feel like as a man if you can’t at least strong arm your girl than the balance is off. Not that I’m condoning strong arming anyone, but It was you who said it’s a man’s job to protect his woman. If he can’t protect himself from her. I don’t know how the relationship will work.
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Malia reply on May 6, 2008 8:50 am:
LOL!!!!! Oh see now you wanna side with me when it suits your purposes!!!! Negro you are wrong!!! BIG GIRLS NEED LOVE TOO!!!!!
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TROUBLMan reply on May 6, 2008 9:50 am:
I agreed with you on this. Go back and read my comments. I said it’s a man responsibility to protect his women physically but not emotionally. I explicitly made the distinction.
P.S.
I love big girls!
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broncovoice reply on May 6, 2008 8:44 am:
It is not like women who abuse men ask for permission. The men do not “let” it happen. Men and women who abuse do it for the same reason. Control.
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alwayswrite reply on May 6, 2008 11:51 am:
Yes, Troublman. I don’t understand that. Protect yourself. There is no way a woman should abuse a man. Again, you don’t have to put her sleep but you can for sure protect yourself.
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"A Mom" reply on May 8, 2008 7:13 pm:
leave the relationship period. Been there, it doesn’t get better.
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Erika
Wow, what a great article. I’m glad that people are beginning to recognize the fact that there are men who get abused.
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Ev
Malia
I now see your point. I had not read the entire article. (Shame on me!)
To answer one of your questions.
Men in this society can not defend themselves from female attackers because all it requires for him to land in jail of even in prison is her word. The system is very well versed in locking away men for whatever reason she says. So he does not have to touch the girl for an arrest to be made. Many females do not want this truth to be told but ALL men, especially Black men know the reality of this mess!
Because of this headache created by feminist / lesbian backed laws to protect females… we now have a mass exodus of Black men running from Black females.
Any sane Black man will still cherish a real BLACK WOMAN, but these ladies are becoming increasingly difficult to find. Many who call themselves Black Woman are nothing more than brainwashed Black females. Yet, they will stand up and scream that there are no men, while they are the ones who drive the men away with their insane power issues. We need a revolution in Black female thinking now!
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Talisman
I’ve only hit one woman in my one time and that was only after she blind sided me and socked me in my jaw. My mother raised me not to lay a hand on a woman, unless she wants to fight you like a man (i.e. punches you or starts wielding a knife), then you use minimal violence to defend yourself. Otherwise, subdue her without hitting her or better yet, just walk away. My mother was also in a number of abusive relationships but most times, she gave as good as she got (she wasn’t the aggressor). I always found it…odd…that such a strong woman stayed with these men. It wasn’t until I grew older that I discovered love (or what you perceive it to be) is a powerful force and can keep you in bad situations.
TM, I also don’t understand men who stay in abusive relationships, physical or otherwise. Life is too damn short! to be in a relationship like that, especially when there are so many options in this wonderful world.
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*SB* reply on May 6, 2008 11:57 am:
I agree with you that there are so many wonderful options…but people are afraid of being alone and are insecure about themselves too which is a bad combination when in an abusive relationship…
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"A Mom"
Violence is always a deal braker.
I was a victim of that type of relationship. but I learned that you teach people how to treat you and that I allow him to put his hands on me. When I said no more I changed and things changed.
No matter what people say. Love doesn’t have a fist attached to it.
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Q.
i’ve been hit by 2 women in relationships.. i’m not going to say i was abused, because it didn’t go down like that.. 1 girl in college just caught me in my apartment.. right in a tight hallway.. she wil’d out and caught me with a right hook.. i rolled with it, so i didn’t take it flush.. i remember laughing like “oh shit, she caught me”.. i immediately yoked her up, but that was in defense, cuz i wasn’t about to catch another one.. no way, no how.. she got her lucky punch in, and that was that.. i didn’t abuse her, but i did my best to place the fear of God in her.. in another situation (after we broke up), she busted into my apartment (one of my guests let her in), and i was with my current girl..
i immediately had some flashbacks, esp’ as she made a move for my current girl.. i remember placing my hands on her (not with fists), and i wasn’t proud of it.. i grabbed her neck.. i lost it for a sec.. ended up lifting her up (as i just immediately was trying to protect my girl) and throwing her out the crib.. i didn’t realize what i was doing, but i saw the look on the eyes of both females (not the chick i threw out), and knew i was dead wrong..
that was the last time i placed my hands on a woman like that.. i also saw (within my own family) the domestic stuff.. my close friends as well.. when i look back, i realize that i lost it, but i didn’t hurt her, which i was proud of.. i scared the ish out of everyone who didn’t know i had that side in me, but i had to grow up..
in another relationship, i had a chick throw stuff at me.. that was the extent of the violence.. at this point, ain’t none of that ish happening.. i’m glad to say, at that point, we were all younger.. we were all going through issues.. now? sheeit.. i’ma give someone a look, and that’s it.. come close, you will get gripped up.. i’m not punching, but i ain’t taking abuse either.. give me my 3 feet, and we’re good.. talk all the nonsense you want, just don’t touch me.. within 3 feet, it’s my right to create that safe distance that i appreciate..
i’m not for anyone putting their hands on women, but i’m on that Chris Rock “i understand”.. some women take it too far.. some women really feel that they can take men.. more power to them.. those women, sad to say it, deserve a nice dose of reality..
it’s harder now to even intervene in situations where you see a women getting abused in public.. all of my instincts say to stop it, but i’ve seen dudes get mopped up for stepping in by both the dude and the girl.. for some reason it was cool for her to take that abuse, but she wasn’t willing to let someone else come in and help her out.. crazy..
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*SB* reply on May 6, 2008 12:00 pm:
Q-
LMAO @ “the fear of god in her”…
Ive heard of that too…many guy friends tell me that they wont stop a man from beating his chick because they said when they’ve done it in the past-the chick turns on them…i guess its a loyalty thing…
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alwayswrite
The larger issue regarding this piece is dysfunctional relationships. No healthy relationship should involve hitting, slapping, etc. (unless you’re into that kinky shit). If a man and a woman keep their hands on one another in a positive way, then fine. But, if they can’t, they need to be separated. Eventually, that one “bad fight” will escalate into some “Love is Blind” scenario, when ol’ boy or ol’ girl laying in a box.
Preempt all the unnecessary things. Communicate. Physically abusive relationships tend to have poor communication.
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troublsome
I once knew a woman who said, that when she was hit by her man for the first time ” She Actually felt loved by him” and that it was okay because that’s is how he showed his affection. I must have looked t her like she was the stupidest human being alive. She even told me that when time had went by from the last abusive encounter, she wondered if he was still in love with her. Now I know and through my short 26 years of life have come to the realization, that women just simply like assholes, and I have come to gripps with that.. But the thing that I will not tolerate is ignorance, and someone justifying getting their ass beat with love.. Now i can’t explain why or how a man puts his hands on a female, cause I’ve never done it.
I have also been on the flip side. I was in a relationship with this crazy South American Broad who thought that she was Gods Gift to the world, and I treated her like a simple chick. Granted she was beautiful, But there is only so many times you could tell that to someone in a day. And if someone is getting on your nerves, and you choose to ignore them and remind them of their ways then so be it. Well this crazy girl that i was involved with. If she didn’t get her way. All hell was breaking loose, and as many times as she put hands on me. I just laughed because I feel as a man there is no woman that can physically hurt me with out a weapon of some sort, but shit even then ” I don’t think it’s happenin” So what that means is why would you smack your chick. If you feel you need to hit a girl to control her, then reality is that you have no control. And if you get to that point where you feel you need to put hands on your girl “We’ve all been there” Then chances are that you shouldn’t be there in the first place. Move On…
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*SB* reply on May 6, 2008 1:02 pm:
Troublsome- thats exactly the twisted logic im talking about…when I was in highschool a girlfriend of mine told me that if a man truly loves or cares about you he will argue with you and if he doesnt its because he doesnt care…I think the woman in your example is probably using the same thought process…if he didnt care- he wouldn’t hit me…some freaking BS in my opinion…
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Talisman reply on May 6, 2008 1:05 pm:
Yeah, I’ve heard that logic before as well. When I heard it, I did a double take myself and asked her, “what in da hell is wrong wit you?!”
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Talisman
Troublsome - Preach! I wholeheartedly agree with you. Most (Ladies, I said most…) women do like assholes (or asshole qualities) in men. And there is absolutely no reason to remain in an abusive relationship.
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*SB*
What about the women that stay in abusive relationships for the financial security? You know the ones that are scared to move on because they got kids- is their loyalty to the relationship excusable or more understandable?
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Talisman reply on May 6, 2008 1:13 pm:
That might require some time to get out of but you should eventually leave. There are programs and shelters all over this country to help out women in this situation. Remember, women can call the law on a fool and they’ll believe her 99% of the time, especially if she’s bruised. The problem comes in the aftermath if she doesn’t have a support system or a way to earn a living; but is it better to get abused for the rest of the time you remain with that person (be it man or woman) and possible become crippled or get yourself killed or is it better to struggle for a few years and get your life right? That’s a subjective question I put to the individual…
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Talisman reply on May 6, 2008 1:17 pm:
And no kid wants to see their mom abused! There were a few times I considered cutiin’ a ninja’s throat while he was sleepin’ to protect my mom… What happens if your child feels he or she has to that to protect you?
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*SB* reply on May 6, 2008 1:22 pm:
I think it is truly sad when a child has to protect their mother or father…because the innocence and freedom that is associated with being a child is stripped and replaced with fear and responsibility- they grow up faster than they should…
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*SB* reply on May 6, 2008 1:19 pm:
I agree…I think in some situations like that…people sacrifice their integrity and self- worth just to secure a lifestyle…
When people have children, I believe its best to leave- period. You want to show your children strength/resilience and you dont want them exposed to that type of behavior.
Question-
Do you believe that children that witnessed domestic violence within their household are more likely to be involved in violent relationships?
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Talisman reply on May 6, 2008 1:26 pm:
That’s a damn good question! I know that ain’t the way it is with me…although I know I was more prone to violent resolutions with other men when we had altercations while growing up; but I’ve haven’t hit a woman since high school (and that was just pure instinct…she did sock me in my jaw and she was bigger than me). But peep this, I don’t even like to argue in relationships. I prefer discussion. If I get heated where I might say something offensive or hurtful to the girl I’m with, I check out of the conversation for a few minutes then come back at it later.
But I seem to recall a statistical analysis that said it can swing either way.
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Icy Mike
The problem isn’t violence between opposite genders in a relationship, the problem is that everyone is one way or another abusive. Gay, straight, multiple partners, etc. No one is free from the hand of abuse. There is a deep-seated reason for abuse, mainly because of personal insecurities. The abuser goes on the offense to defend themself pre-emptively. On the other hand, the person getting abused and allowing themselves to be continued to be abused partly because of fear of rejection on the “public market of love,” and that the only person who can love them is the person beating the crap out of them. Sad.
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Icy Mike reply on May 7, 2008 11:23 am:
Addendum: On Children and Elderly Abuse.
Most of you have already addressed the issue of child abuse, and they are one of the most vulnerable in our society. Between child predators (men and women), we have insecure adults looking for youth who are unable to comprehend what the predators are really after.
However, as most of you have already spoken on the subject, I want to speak on behalf of the elderly who are abused. It is both mental and physical. Most of us have probably seen Happy Gilmore, where Ben Stiller is the crazy old folks home director turning the elderly into slaves. This little shenanigan, sadly enough, is becoming more commonplace not only amongst retirement homes, but when the elderly move into their child’s home to live with them. I’ll end it there as I can’t think of anything else to write on this issue at this time.
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Reply to “…Between Love & Hurt”
SEE ALSO
♦ Alex Merricks - Heartache Headache
April 25, 2008
♦ A-Man - Ask-a-Man
April 22, 2008
♦ A MOM - Mending Hearts
June 18, 2008
♦ Cypher - Babies Aren’t Bling
February 12, 2008
♦ Terry - Family Ties
February 18, 2008