Back Together Again

Written by: SB

I recall a time in my life when I refused to go back to an ex-boyfriend. Once the ties were cut between us it was time to move on. My motto was, “there’s was no going back only moving forward.”

Eventually, I found myself in a situation where I could not apply that same philosophy. I wanted to give it a second time around and if I didn’t, I felt I was depriving myself of a bond that could flourish into something so beautiful. Having never been in this situation before, I found myself ill-prepared for the struggle to regain trust and honesty with that person and for that person. I decided to withstand the storm but could not imagine how some couples break up to make up constantly.

You’ve heard of the couples that break up 2 make up so much that you don’t know when they’re together and when they’re not. I can not fathom the amount of time, strength and energy it takes to endure multiple break ups and then turn around a trust that person with your heart again.

Are breaks a good thing for couples??…it does give both individuals a chance to calm down and think about the issues with a clear mind OR are breaks an excuse not to address the real problems within the relationship?

Is there a point when breaking up to makeup becomes nonsense? When does it become too much?

Tags: Style | May 13, 2008 |

58 Comments, Comment or Ping

RBT

Breaking up to make up is an excuse to go out and get some guilt free new ass. Too much of anything can be a bad thing, sometimes people do need a break though, especially when there are true intense feelings involved.

[Reply]
TROUBLdMami

I must agree with RBT, breaking up and then making up is an excuse to go out and “relieve” yourself of the stresses within your relationship…I am the same way I never go back, however never say never…Love is a beautiful thing, and if its worth it and there is so much potential, work on it…I think in this new age, unlike, our grandparents and great grandparents, we don’t like to work through things. Instead, we are quick to find an easier route, and in most cases easy is not the way…;)*

[Reply]
ms 39ways of trouble

Some people have a hard time letting go and moving forward. I dont know what it is, but its almost like they dont realize its other fish in the sea. I think everyone has thier breaking point and it differs depending on each individual but you must love yourself more than another. If someone wrongs you or doesn’t give you the respect you deserve, than bounce and dont look back! Dont allow yourself to be someone’s doormat or emotional punching bag based on the fact that you’ve known them since 92.

[Reply]
*SB* reply on May 14, 2008 8:40 am:
LMAO @ since ‘92… i have a friend that has been off and on with her man since we were young. Sometimes I feel like saying, “Damn girl- move on, we’re grown now” but I dont because I know her emotional attachment to him is profound.

I think some people continue to go back to an ex because they feel obligated to work things out with the other person….like”we’ve been together for X amount of years”- implying that they dont want all that hard work, time and energy to go to waste…

[Reply]
"A Mom"

Sometime you need to stepback and analyze what you want from your relationship. This give us a chance to see how much that person means to us and if getting back is worth the trouble.
I have never been one to go back to a ex-relationship because I always seemed to be in controlling situations, and when I became tired of being in that situation, then it was time to go. But somethings are worth saving. I just haven’t had that situation.

[Reply]
TROUBLdMami reply on May 14, 2008 3:40 pm:
I agree it all depends on the situation…If there is enough there and its not a ridiculous situation where you just don’t want to let go, because you don’t want anyone else to have your significant other, than its like, “Get over it!” I guess this topic is just depending on the variables of the relationship and the individuals in the relationship…

[Reply]
Talisman

I’m not a fan of repeating “situations”. That said, I feel the same as most of you but I know there are certain situations that necessitate a revisit, especially when that feeling of “deep love” is involved (if you have to ask what it is, you’ve never felt it). But what I always keep in mind when advising others on similar situations; it takes two to tango. If you’re all set to change the second time around but your partner isn’t or is hesitant to do so, then its not worth the headache. I truly believe people can change but often times, they won’t or don’t feel they need to.

[Reply]
TROUBLMan reply on May 14, 2008 12:27 pm:
What’s this “deep love” you describe? To me, those are the situations that are hardest to revisit. Yes, there’s a history but “deep love” relationships never end well.

[Reply]
Talisman reply on May 14, 2008 11:38 pm:
See? That’s why I said “if you have to ask…”. LOL. Naw, if you feelin’ someone, it might inspire you to give that other person a chance despite what your mind is telling you. Part of that is caught up in hope as well. I been through it (I ain’t the most forgivin’ ninja in the world…). But I tried again. Gave me a whole new perspective on what some people go through who do that. Won’t do it again but I understand it better when someone does. Love for that person was basically why she got a second chance.

[Reply]
TROUBLdMami reply on May 14, 2008 3:43 pm:
Yes, it also depends on if both parties are willing to grow together and move on from the bullshit…

[Reply]
Talisman reply on May 14, 2008 11:39 pm:
I wholeheartedly agree.

[Reply]
Icy Mike

There’s no real rule to say that you should NEVER go back to your old flame. You never know, the right spark can always rekindle something you thought had been long blown out. There are always reasons we break away from relationships either serious or simply ridiculous. It’s really up to the parties involved as to the wisdom of getting back together again.

[Reply]
Dutchess

I think breaking up to make up is sad. Love is something we all should cherish and search for, and if you do not have love with this person, why drag it on and on by just sticking around in each other’s lives. Breaking up to then make up can be hurtful. Sometimes it is just an excuse to go out and be with other people. If that is that case, each party should man-up and woman-up and just move on. Find that ONE. If you are breaking up and making up all the time, that is not love. That is a mess inside your head. Find the one who really will ove you and honor you. He or she is out there. And if you do not want to find that one person to love….stay single then. I think that would be better for everyone involved right?

[Reply]
TROUBLMan reply on May 14, 2008 1:59 pm:
You touched on something very true. Breaking up and making up is often about seeing other people. People still wanting to explore make ways to break up so that they can fuck around without feeling guilty. I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing it’s just that people aren’t upfront about it.

[Reply]
*SB* reply on May 14, 2008 3:48 pm:
I think there is a problem…when you tell someone that you love them and agree to be monogamous with them and then for whatever reason you turn around and breakup to get some new booty…there is something fundamentally wrong with that persons perception of a relationship and love…

[Reply]
"A Mom" reply on May 14, 2008 4:04 pm:
I agree!

[Reply]
Talisman reply on May 14, 2008 11:40 pm:
So do i!

[Reply]
TROUBLMan reply on May 14, 2008 4:30 pm:
It’s not a bad thing. If you want to mess with other people, you need to break up. What’s bad is messing around while you’re together. If you’re mind is somewhere else it’s not that you don’t understand a relationship and love, it’s that you may not be ready for a relationship. I can love someone, and not be in a relationship with them.

[Reply]
toy

breaking up and making is one of those things that is easier said than done. whenever one of my girlfriends meets a guy that has just gotten out of a relationship, i always have to ask, how long and did they really break up? if he broke up with his girlfriend last week…they did not break up.

alot of it has to do with the fact that many couples do not “break up”. instead they get into an argument or someone cheats or someone feels disconnected from the union and they distance themself from the relationship, emotionally and physically, until the other one gets the hint… there’s no closure. there’s no definitive break up. there’s no, “it’s over”. so then going back is a natural progression…something that just happens. you start talking more. you call to “see how they’re doing”, you go over to “pick up your stuff” and you’re right back where you started.

to really break up…there has to be time. space. and a period of “we are definitely NOT a couple”. and then if you decide to try it again with that person, it’s not so much getting back together; it’s building something new…

but maybe that’s just my house.

[Reply]
Talisman reply on May 14, 2008 11:42 pm:
Naw, not just you…

[Reply]
jim

I do not profess to understand your article. I do acknowledge that
Human Beings for the most part are worthless, do not think (i.e.,
think profoundly -with great depth and innovatively). Control of one’s emotions is essential to a good and unlimited life. I have found there is
no mandate for death, thusly seeking wisdom and developing and
applying guidelines for living (which make sense) is criical. I have asked
many if they know why there are on this Earth and their stupid and
arrogant replies always astound and disappoint me!! Religiions are
status quo items and should be avoided, I have a logo or motto or
adage or whatever: “I need only one.” See if you can figure it out! Jim

[Reply]
*SB* reply on May 14, 2008 3:51 pm:
Please enlighten me on how you came to the conclusion that human beings are worthless because they do not think in depth or innovatively….there are many creatures on this earth without the mental capacity to think innovatively and deeply- are they worthless also? Why is worth associated with the ability to think?

[Reply]
TROUBLdMami reply on May 14, 2008 6:46 pm:
Im lost…May you please clarify?…Are you saying, because many that you came in contact with do not understand why they are here on Earth, therefore they do not understand their emotions, in turn thats why they go through “drama”?…You “only need one” in terms of a significant other? What do you base your worth off of?

[Reply]
The Shield

To me breakups are not what anyone wants but sometimes they happen.

[Reply]
ndira

I truly believe that one door doesnt close without another one opening. you might have lost your relationship but to have peace is priceless. I personally am enjoying getting my peace of mind back. I cant see myself going back to my ex. He let me down in a big way and i dont see how i could go back and have self respect. he would have to change in so many ways and i know that will never happen.

[Reply]
Crystal reply on May 15, 2008 8:51 am:
Exactly how I feel about my situation. I know that sometimes you look at them and you think “well this time it could work” but rarely has the person changed.

[Reply]
Erika reply on May 15, 2008 8:53 am:
I feel the same way about my ex.

[Reply]
ndira

No they dont. they usually dont think they have done anything wrong

[Reply]
kered

I did that off and on shit with my high school sweetheart and couple
years into college. But after I said that I had enough. I kept on
moving. I went and got into some strange and new Pussy. lol

[Reply]
ndira reply on May 15, 2008 9:35 am:
Lmao @ strange and new pussy lol. they do say the best way to get over an old lover is to get a new one

[Reply]
Malia

Girl, you gone make me come out to DC and chill with you for a whole weekend. I might even have a drink for this TROUBL session!!! LOL—-in between hating on our ex-es (and loving their stupid a$$es at the same time) This one is so hard becuae the mind may be saying f*ck him! But my heart wants what it wants. I never have a problem moving on EXCEPT with him. I always say “I don’t do re-runs” that’s like my motto, but when it comes to him I always say, “it never really ended”……

I haven’t completely shut my feelings off, I still stand behind him, I’m still in his corner, I’m still praying for him, I still think of him when I’m alone, he’s still my best friend, he still knows me better than anyone, he knows when I’m mad and he also knows how sensitive I am, he knows when I go off it’s because I care and he knows when I walk away its because I’m hurt. He knows when I have beef just by the tone of my voice and I know when he’s carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders just by the tone of his. I know I’ve changed SO MUCH and I know he has too - I just don’t think there’s a quick fix though—-the relationship didn’t get f*cked up over night so it can’t get mend overnight either. I broken limb is put in a cast right? Well so goes a broken relationship—it takes time, patience, love, trust, and no big expectations. I think we miss the mark when we put so much because we put unrealistic expectations on our loved ones.

I suspect that some of my issues concerning new relationships have to do with a lack of closure from my old one. I say old one because I refuse to say dead one! I’m not ready to say it’s completely and totally over! I’m not ready to lose it…am I making sense???? Probably
not……..

QUESTION——how do you KNOW it’s over?????

[Reply]
Erika reply on May 15, 2008 9:38 am:
You know when it’s over after his ass locks you out of the house twice and one of those times tries to push you out without any clothes on!!!

But I digress…

[Reply]
Malia reply on May 15, 2008 9:39 am:
Well dayum!!!!!

[Reply]
ndira reply on May 15, 2008 9:41 am:
you know its over when your on the table having a C-section and even though you called his ass six hours ago and hes still not there. and you’re in the hospital 10 days after and he only comes to visit once after 7.5 years of a relationship.

every woman has their breaking point. either we find it ourselves and get out first or we are led to our breaking point by the one we thought loved us.

But when it ends its usually for the best. sometimes we hold on to bad or unfulfilling relationships because its all we have. but if things are really difficult. its usually not meant to be

[Reply]
Malia reply on May 15, 2008 9:43 am:
Dang girl…that would’ve broke my heart!!! I’ve been hurt yes—but that’s f*cked up!!!!!!

[Reply]
*SB* reply on May 15, 2008 10:04 am:
Thats an inconsiderate A-hole at his finest!

Im so sorry to hear you went through that. I admire you for having the strength to move on and taking the experience as a life lesson.

I dont think i could have handled it that well at all…I would have been so hurt and bitter…I would have had to call my folks- to make sure his faulty ass got a proper beat down! Then maybe…just maybe, I might go visit him in the hospital one time! Im just saying….dont do me like that!

[Reply]
*SB* reply on May 15, 2008 10:06 am:
OH HELL NAH!!!

[Reply]
*SB* reply on May 15, 2008 9:55 am:
I would LUV for you to come down to chill and drink!

I feel so much of what you said. I recently found out what it is like to have that ONE you cannot overcome. When we’re together the experiences never cease to amaze me- coincidences and pleasant surprises always occur….and although this is the second time around and the situation is harder- I am certain that the connection is not something to let go of- the break helped me realize that. The way we compliment and complete each other reaffirms my belief that we are made for one another SO I am willing to go the extra 10 miles again- I just hope he meets me half way!

I believe its over when you stop trying, when you are no longer open to the idea of being romantically together again BUT I also believe that many relationships end so that a awesome friendship can begin…

[Reply]
Malia reply on May 15, 2008 10:49 am:
I’m very happy for you Sabrina ((I LOVE YOUR REAL NAME))!!! I really think it depends on where you were in your life. If you were together, it’s possible for both people to go through their own individual “growing pains” . One thing I’ve learned personally is that timing is everything. Oftentimes, there are other circumstances in life that affect the relationship and lead to certain results, i.e. legal issues, money issues, identity issues, etc. Also, I think if things end amicably, the possibilities are still there!! I hope for love’s sake that the second time IS much better around for you!!!! Keep God in the middle of it, and you’ll be just fine!!!!

Speaking of God, I asked HIM if I should move but I didn’t get an answer. So then I went about my business and out of nowhere his name ((which is a very rare name)) popped up EVERYWHERE. I’m taking about street signs here in Tulsa……BILLBOARDS……an episode of CSI Las Vegas…lol….EVERYWHERE!!!!!

GOD IS THAT YOU????

[Reply]
kered4207 reply on May 15, 2008 10:14 am:
Malia this sounds like he is taking your kindness for your weakness. If he
knows everything about you. He is gonna keep on doing it. You have
take that leap of faith and cut him off. Just ask yourself this. Do I
want to be in love with someone who treats me this bad? Do I want to
continue spending time with this man/woman and not creating love.
Love is not suppose to hurt us. It educate us to make us realize the
lesson at hand, rather we like the lesson or not. Open your mind and
Heart.

[Reply]
The Shield reply on May 15, 2008 10:18 am:
Malia your post speaks wonders to me.

[Reply]
TROUBLMan reply on May 15, 2008 11:18 am:
I love the broken arm analogy. I never thought about it like that. Also, great question. It’s over when you realized you’ve grown at a faster pace than your ex. At some point the both of you were compatible and had a relative knowledge of life. It’s over if that compatibility and relative knowledge no longer exist. This can happen for a number of reasons. Your ex wallows in his or her pity and never allow the relationship to become a learning experience. They get comfortable and don’t progress past the state that you last seen them, while you have. Or, they go down hill… That’s when it’s over.

[Reply]
"A Mom" reply on May 15, 2008 3:57 pm:
Malia,
You can come to San Fran and visit with me.
Mom

[Reply]
Malia reply on May 15, 2008 4:01 pm:
Is that where you are???? Fa sho!!! I’m coming to Cali July 11th-20th…so I will definitely have to hit you up! I would LOVE to meet you in person!!!! We should ahve a first anual TROUBL convention…lol! There’s a few people I want to hug and few others I would like to get that baby powder ready for…LOL!!!!

Just kidding……….a little

[Reply]
Q. reply on May 15, 2008 6:03 pm:
i’m staying away from Cali this summer!!

[Reply]
Malia reply on May 16, 2008 7:42 am:
LOL!!! Why is that???? You think I want to hug you and you don’t want my cooties??? Or do you think I wanna slap the taste out of your mouth????

[Reply]
Q. reply on May 16, 2008 9:13 am:
well dang, since you even mentioned the slap, i def’ need to stay away.. that’s cold.. how you gon’ use my own technique against me?? where is the TROUBL love??

[Reply]
Malia reply on May 16, 2008 10:03 am:
The TROUBL love is here—–it’s right here!!!! LOL…no pain, no gain….

Okay, I’ll be good!

[Reply]
"A Mom" reply on May 21, 2008 9:29 pm:
Let me know.

[Reply]
Erika

there is always a breaking point. I had stayed with a man because damn it I wanted it to work. I was tired of starting over and over with someone new. didn’t want to go through it all over again. but when that breaking point comes you have to let it go

[Reply]
Crystal reply on May 15, 2008 10:54 am:
Exactly. There is always a breaking point. I had stayed with a man because damn it I wanted it to work. I was tired of starting over and over with someone new. didn’t want to go through it all over again. but when that breaking point comes you have to let it go

[Reply]
Michelle

agree. I’ve never been one on the on and off again relationship, because generally I end the relationship while I’m still in it. Let me explain…

I don’t believe in walking away from something unless it is totally unresolvable. If there is the slight chance we can make it work, then I’ll hang on til I’m proven otherwise. When I walk away, I do so with a clean slate, leaving no residue behind. That way, I can move on. I have a friend in this situation now and she is miserable. For years they’ve been on and off again with a lot of pain in between. I can’t imagine going through something like that.

[Reply]
Malia reply on May 15, 2008 11:23 am:
Yeah, I’m a clean slate kind of girl too! I want a brother to KNOW exactly why I’m walking away. I feel very deeply about things and I hate being hurt and I never want to hurt anyone else either. The break up doesn’t diminish the feelings. If anything, it gives both people the dignity and respect they each deserve.

[Reply]
Michelle reply on May 15, 2008 12:42 pm:
That is soooo true and correct. Interestingly enough, each time I’ve done that, the guy has a hard time letting go. Although, he’s done everything to lead me to that decision, when I finally walk, it’s difficult for him. I just experienced that last year. When I’m done, I’m done. I think that’s how it should be. But, there are some who believe in the make up to break up game. I personally think it’s a waste of time. I’m all about productivity and forward moving, and you can’t be productive in a relationship if you constantly go back and forth like that.

[Reply]
Jay reply on May 15, 2008 1:04 pm:
Its been said that communication is the key.

[Reply]
FAM_INC.

Id have to concur with Jay. Communication is the key. If you’ve got everything off your chest there is nothing left to go back to. Also, making up to break up is never cool. I find that people who “make up tp break up” usually want friends with benefits, or are scared to be alone…

[Reply]
Colei

For me the break made us way stronger and now that we are older I don’t think we are doing that break up and make up no more because we finally grew up. I think sometimes going backwards to move foward is a need if it’s worth it if it isn’t by all means keep stepping. But for me I knew all of that would work out in my favor and now we are the happiest couple ever and after 8 years we aint going no where.

[Reply]
Q.

i would like to think i’m one and done, but i don’t know.. i think it becomes that much harder to not try to give it another try as you get older.. i can’t imagine being 40 trying to find my wife in this society.. no disrespect, cuz it could happen.. but man, if i was 35 and just broke up? i might strongly consider finding a way to make it work..

now when i’m younger?? sheeit.. get to steppin’.. two fingers.. two words.. i just feel i deserve whatever the best is for me, and obviously what i just had wasn’t.. esp’ if i was cheated on or something like that?? sheeit.. that’s a scene from the best men.. i don’t need those reoccuring visions.. nah..

[Reply]

TROUBL

Back Together Again

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