Ask-a-Man

Written by: A-Man

Today’s question comes from Tired of Bugaboos. T-O-B asks, “Why is it that men who are a 3-4 on a scale of attractiveness feel they can holla at women who are a 7-8?”

Men want attractive women. Why men who aren’t necessarily deemed “attractive” feel capable of soliciting the interest of good-looking women is a question with a seemingly complicated answer.

I must admit, I myself have more than once pondered how a beauty comes to love the beast. Well as with most things, science has attempted to provide an answer. Late last year, CNN reported the findings of a scientific study done in Germany. In the study, 26 men and 20 women were tested to determine the most sought-after characteristics when choosing a mate.

…Participants were asked before the session to fill out a questionnaire about what they were looking for in a mate, listing such categories as wealth and status, family commitment, physical appearance, healthiness and attractiveness. After the session, the researchers compared what the participants said they were looking for with the people they actually chose to ask for another ‘date.’ Men’s choices did not reflect their stated preferences, the researchers concluded. Instead, men appeared to base their decisions mostly on the women’s physical attractiveness. The men also appeared to be much less choosy. “Men tended to select nearly every woman above a certain minimum attractiveness threshold,” Todd said. Women’s actual choices, like men’s, did not reflect their stated preferences, but they made more discriminating choices, the researchers found.

The study also found that the large majority of women chose men whose perceived attractiveness level was on par with their own assumed level of attractiveness. This is to say that a woman who viewed her self as a 7 would look for a man who was a 7 or below, while inversely, the male counterpart would look for a woman who was a 7 and up.

After initially reading this last part, I was a little pessimistic about its validity. Were women really that lacking in self esteem that they would only seek out men that they felt were less attractive than them? Could that be why I never get hit on in the club? I decided to do more research and came across another study that further explained this phenomenon. The second study examined married couples and their feelings about their spouses and their marriages based on their perceptions of each others level of attractiveness. The study states the following: The best marriages are those where women marry men who are less attractive than themselves, research has found. Psychologists who studied newlyweds found men who were better-looking than their wives were more likely to be unhappy and have negative feelings about their marriage.

In couples where the wife is more attractive, both partners tended to be very content. The research, published in the Journal of Family Psychology, suggests that, in evolutionary terms, women are less choosy about their man’s looks as long as he is able to help them reproduce. Men, however, are programmed to choose a mate who is most likely to pass on their genes and look for youth, health and physical attractiveness. The tests involved 82 couples married within the previous six months.

This made me think about my own relationship history, and the level of contentment I’d experienced with various women in my life. Unfortunately, I came to the conclusion that both studies had to be correct, from a male point of view at least. As a man, I admit that I’m very shallow and superficial when it comes to meeting women. I want the most attractive woman in the room, and how satisfied I am with her depends greatly on how attractive she is and continues to be. For example, if I am with Attractive Girl A and More Attractive Chick B walks by or shows interest in me, suddenly the relationship with Attractive Girl A is less meaningful and fulfilling. Yes, it’s sad, but according to research its nature.

I can no more apologize for wanting to be with the most attractive woman than I can for getting hungry or wanting sleep. Men are programmed to want beautiful women, regardless of their own perceived level of attractiveness. This is why men garnish themselves with “accessories” a la the nice suit, shiny car, muscular physique, etc., to attract the women that they aspire to be with.

Tags: Beauty, Love, Sex | May 6, 2008 |

55 Comments, Comment or Ping

Malia

Great piece!!!! Physical attraction is definitely essential. It’s the first thing that gets our attention and makes us want to know more. Guys are visual creatures, so of course, if they have a choice between a 2 and a 10 they will lean toward the latter. Now you are doing too much if you are with Attractive Girl A and you dump her for More Attractive Chick B - that’s just being greedy!!!!

On the other hand, I might be with Attractive Guy A and More Intelligent Attractive Guy B might swoop in and steal the show. This is where preference comes in. I don’t just want a sexy brother in my bedroom…. I want a grown and sexy and intelligent brother to cuddle up to at night…that’s just me!!!!

[Reply]
TROUBLMan reply on May 6, 2008 9:30 am:
I agree with your statement about greed. Whoever plays that game is headed straight towards a money hungry gold digger.

[Reply]
TROUBLMan

It’s not about being physical creatures. Humans are mental creatures. Men like attractive women because it makes them feel better about themselves.

Personally, I’m over cute women. Most of the ones I meet are full of themselves for no reason. Yeah, you’re cute but so are millions of other women. And many of them are younger than you (women hate when you say that). I’m at a point in my maturity where I can see past a woman’s physical. I had to grow. I wasn’t always like that though. Now, I’m attracted to a woman’s spirit–the way she energizes me, her smile, her positivity, her love for life and people. It’s something I recognize early on, but again it took me time to mature to that level.

[Reply]
"A Mom" reply on May 6, 2008 11:18 am:
Troublman,

The spirit. If one takes the time to get to know someone. Most of the time the attraction is first, and if allowed than the sex comes into play. Growing is a part of getting to know the spirit.

[Reply]
Malia reply on May 6, 2008 11:21 am:
VERY INSIGHTFUL A MOM!!!!!

[Reply]
Erika

Becuz women aint looking for attractiveness all the time. If he can meet my emotional, security and spiritual needs, I’m good with a 3.

[Reply]
TROUBLMan reply on May 6, 2008 9:59 am:
Describe these emotional, security and spiritual needs. I got some “3s” in mind who I know need love. LOL

[Reply]
Erika reply on May 6, 2008 10:13 am:
He should always have SOMETHING to offer. If he has nothing…. what exactly do I need him for? When I say that something I don’t necessarily mean he has to be fine or financially set or anything but he has to be giving something, a listening ear, he has to be a comforter. he gotta be slanging the “d” or SOMETHING…….

[Reply]
Erika reply on May 6, 2008 11:07 am:
Emotional - Can he pick me up when I’m down? How about a hug when I need it or just because? If I cry about something valid, will he tell me to ’suck it up’?

Security - Do you have my back just as much as I plan on having yours? Will you throw me under the bus to save your butt?

Spiritual - Do you love God? Do you believe that Jesus died for our sins and is our only salvation?

[Reply]
Malia reply on May 6, 2008 11:08 am:
LOL!!!!

Girl I feel you completely!!! These rank higher than looks any day!!!!!

[Reply]
"A Mom" reply on May 6, 2008 11:27 am:
All of these thing are important, but people don’t always take that time to see one’s needs. We are so busy jumping in a relationship with the sex and all. Get to know that person before you even venture into relationships or sex.
I don’t think men or much different than women. They want the same things we want. They have different ways of letting you know and maybe sometimes they won’t let you know. Yet they do have these feelings. We sometimes are so quick to get him/her we don’t take the time to learn that person until after, and than we are disappointed

[Reply]
TROUBLdMami reply on May 11, 2008 1:17 pm:
I agree with you sistagirl…I will take a 3 or 4 anytime…especially if he is providing important fundamental emotional and spiritual comfort…;)*

[Reply]
S.H.I.E.L.D. reply on May 6, 2008 10:14 am:
So you’re saying Buck-toothed Jerry with hair in his ears is all good?

Seriously?

[Reply]
Erika reply on May 6, 2008 10:15 am:
Buck tooth Jerry is a zero not a 3

[Reply]
S.H.I.E.L.D. reply on May 6, 2008 10:42 am:
Well then your statement is not accurate.

What do you consider a buck-toothed Jerry???

[Reply]
Malia reply on May 6, 2008 10:43 am:
LOL!!!! Broke down busted…..looking smoked out, unkempt, not groomed!!!

[Reply]
S.H.I.E.L.D. reply on May 6, 2008 10:44 am:
So in other words, he needs to be a damn good man otherwise he is ass out. Which still say to me that if he is lacking in the attractivness category but good in other areas, the female that turned her nose up at him is ass out as well. I’m no Boris Kojo but I’m not flav either!!!

[Reply]
Malia reply on May 6, 2008 10:50 am:
Well “A DAMN GOOD MAN” should definitely be a pre-requisite! I’m a relationship kind of girl so I look for a man with the qualities that I desire in a man. Honest, attractive, funny, intelligent, sexy and classy for starters. Must have humility coupled with confidence, loves kids…etc. I agree with TM most definitely in the sense that I’m more attracted to a man’s spirit than his outward appearance. The way he inspires me to try or be better, his smile, his positivity, his love for life and people!!!!! I too recognize that immediately!!!

[Reply]
S.H.I.E.L.D. reply on May 6, 2008 11:05 am:
That’s good to hear that Malia. It just struck me funny that some women would lose potential “hero” because he is a zero in looks dept. Kinda Shallow but that is my opinion.

[Reply]
Erika reply on May 6, 2008 11:04 am:
If you are any of these things that Malia described, then YES, you are S.O.L. She talked about unkempt, smoked out, etc. I’m trying to figure out when crackheads became high on the list of desire.

[Reply]
EDDIE reply on May 6, 2008 11:29 am:
If buck-tooth Jerry had a bank account to die for, and material things to go with it,you’ll be supprised how that zero turns into a HERO. SOME women see guys as attractive as the “Dead Presidents” in their wallet. you’ll be surprised who much a ZERO looks like Denzel when the bank account is right.

[Reply]
TROUBLMan reply on May 6, 2008 12:03 pm:
I agree Eddie. Money make a lot of people look better. Of course it’s about people being attracted to what you can do for them, but it’s also the fact that rich dudes can keep themselves more well kept. A well kept 3 is a 6 in my book

[Reply]
Boosy

It’s pretty simple to me, as the studies show, the women can’t have a man who looks in the mirror more than them. if it’s so, she prob. thinks he’s on the down low…..hmmm..low..down

[Reply]
Boosy reply on May 6, 2008 10:13 am:
and who determines who a 3 is. A 3 here in america could be a off the charts somewhere else…i thought beauty was in the eye of the beholder

[Reply]
Malia reply on May 6, 2008 10:19 am:
Hey Boosy!!!! Long time no see!! You are right on both counts. I want a well groomed brother but I don’t want him in the mirror every five seconds. I’m very low maintainence and I expect the same or less for him. The who down low thing is always a question in the back of our minds now-a-days too. And yes, when I’m in love I think my man is the finest man in the world, he keeps me on cloud nine and damn what anybody else thinks. In fact, I’d rather a chick not even look in my baby’s direction!!!! That’s MINE!!!!!

[Reply]
Boosy reply on May 6, 2008 12:20 pm:
Hey malia…what’s good..thanks for the love..been mia doing maaad school workk..but not to worry, i’m coming with two hot posts this week….WITH VIDEO and audio….ooooo i got some hate,hate,hate for that ass.lol…….Always bougie..never ignorant…Duke BoosY

[Reply]
*SB* reply on May 6, 2008 10:34 am:
Boosy-
I completely agree…Beauty is in the eye of the beholder… and what you want out of a mate matters too…

[Reply]
"A Mom" reply on May 8, 2008 7:20 pm:
Sending you and yours love. School can really take a lot out of you. Looking forward to the video.

[Reply]
TROUBLMan reply on May 6, 2008 11:08 am:
I agree also. Any dude that’s in the mirror more than his girl has esteem issues. Women want security. If he’s not secure with his shit, how can he secure her?

[Reply]
Malia reply on May 6, 2008 11:26 am:
VERY TRUE!!!

Confidence is very sexy!!! Even if a man feels unsure if he walks into the room like he owns that MF, he’s got my attention! BE SECURE IN WHO YOU ARE!!! Nobody can do YOU better!!!!

[Reply]
Boosy reply on May 6, 2008 12:17 pm:
funny thing about my comment is i like to look at myself in the mirror though, not as much as my dutchess but thats subjective….

[Reply]
Enraptured

Beauty is only skin deep!

But ugly is to the bone.

Beauty fades away over time.

But ugly holds it’s own

If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, get an ugly woman to be your wife.

Then when she leaves you’ll be happy!

[Reply]
TROUBLMan

Personally, I like 7s or 8s. They are confident but still humble. They haven’t had the luxury of only relying on their looks so they’ve developed a brain. And also they have room for improvement.

In my world, 10s only exist when a woman is older…That’s when she has a wisdom about life that makes her a 10.

[Reply]
"A Mom" reply on May 6, 2008 9:20 pm:
Good observation.

[Reply]
Crystal

Men are visual beings. Point blank. Before a man even cares about her personality he has to get past her looks. And that is usually pretty women.

Women are emotional beings. We look for how a man makes us feel. Which is why many women go for men who are not that attractive. And why you see more beautiful women with men who have potbellies, no hair, and is short but he might have money

[Reply]
"A Mom" reply on May 6, 2008 9:31 pm:
I don’t agree. Women go for the looks just like men to. The only difference with the emotional part is that women use theirs more, which help them. Men tend to bottle it. Nevertheless when they hurt their emotions can take them over the top.

[Reply]
Q.

y’all know where i stand!! i love TM, and all of y’all, but i’m a sucker for looks.. i ain’t giving that up at all.. it starts there, and then i look for all the other stuff.. so, i’m on some 8 and up.. but every 8 also has to have the other qualities i look for like strength, strong sense of self, intelligence, loves family, etc.. one would argue that she’s tough to find, but i like to argue that she is willing to search for..

call me shallow, call me what you want.. but, i’m trying my best to make some beautiful babies.. not saying being with an ugly chick will make my baby ugly, and i’m not saying that being with a fine woman will automatically make my lil’ girl shine, but i’d rather take those chances…

[Reply]
TROUBLMan reply on May 6, 2008 11:40 am:
Who’s an 8 in your mind? Name a celeb so that we have a reference.

Also, what if a 6 had a nice body, a PhD and could cook, would her score go up?

[Reply]
A-Man reply on May 6, 2008 12:01 pm:
no. a 6 is a six…like think of it in terms of madden. You dont get any extra attribute points based on what a player did in his past, or the fact that he actually graduated college as opposed to entering the draft a year early. a six is a six.

[Reply]
Q. reply on May 7, 2008 6:37 am:
A Celeb 8 would be Ms. Lathan.. A Celeb 9 could be Nia Long.. But, in the celeb world, i could be tainted without truly knowing them..

Sanaa has long been no joke to me.. Not a 9, based on the beauty (i reserve that 10 for the future) as i would have others ahead of her.. But, she has the package that works for me..

Amen, A-Man.. a 6 is a 6.. No bonus points in my book.. It’s the package that provides that number.. An ugly chick could never be an 8 or a 6.. She has the number that she has.. That’s my book.. I’m not really concerned with reading anyone else’s book..

[Reply]
"A Mom" reply on May 6, 2008 9:26 pm:
Good the sets your standards high, but what happens when the looks and all the qualities become just as dream and you have fallen in love with what you thought was all that?

[Reply]
Q. reply on May 7, 2008 6:39 am:
Mom, no Biggie stuff happening over this way.. It would never be a dream.. I’m not sure if you’re asking if i found out that my 8 was really a 6 later down the line.. If that is what you’re asking, that wouldn’t happen.. I believe that’s what dating and conversation is all about.. Being able to sift through the fakes..

[Reply]
"A Mom" reply on May 8, 2008 12:07 am:
Your right dating and conversation. It sounds like you take your time. But sometimes in the beginning everything looks good. and thing change
Some people jump right in and don’t take that time and that is my point. Learning someone.

[Reply]
"A Mom"

My last relationship lasted 7 years. When I met this man I was not attracted to him. One thing that turned me off about him was his telling me about how much money he made and what car he drove. I didn’t even ask him about that. He was so use to women that went for him for what he had.
What made me decide to date him after a while was his persistence. He kept trying no matter what. This is what made me attracted to him. He was a giving person but later I learned there was a price to pay.

[Reply]
A-Man

I think attractive people just recognize they have more options. Men are brought up to achieve, to always strive for the best, and aim for your goals. Hence the mantras; dress for the job you want, not the job you have; good better best, never let it rest; second place is the first loser; etc. While these are all applicable for women, i think they play a different role in the lives of men and specifically young males growing up. As youth, men are generally placed in more competitive situations than young women are. Men usually play sports, and through this, grow comfortable with competition and the idea of competing with other males. Later, that competition evolves from competing from trophies to competing for women. Not necessarily consciously, because i dont want anyone thinking i go out and survey the men in the room and try and play off that, but there is a certain degree in which as men, you know where u stand in relation to other men. How many times have you looked in the mirror before goin out and said something like damn i look good or some other self indulgent remark? as a man, how do you know you look good if you aren’t using other men as a barometer for comparison? So men become comfortable with competition at an early age and in doing so, learn to want to be first place. a 5 on anyone’s scale is not first place, so men are going to always want the baddest chick possible, hence the trophy wife. I think its definitely possible to find the woman that physically is a 10 and can be a 10 emotionally, mentally, and everywhere else. I do think women like that are out there, but, i feel like they’re prolly hiding in the same small town as all the extremely attractive, exorbitantly wealthy, well mannered, GOOD black men. But its the belief that this uber she is possible that is the ultimate problem. Because i believe in the whole ms. right theory, ms. whoever-she-is-at-the-moment will always seem flawed. and its that that makes finding a satisfying relationship difficult. Because, in all honesty, as a man who thinks he’s not necessarily unattractive (and that phrasing is just so i dont come off as conceited, cause i def dont think im ugly), i constantly wonder if where im at is where i should be and whether or not i could do better. I feel like women aren’t all that different in this area, at least the ones i know anyway….

[Reply]
alwayswrite

Excellent piece. I too think men are shallow when it comes to choosing women. Women are not, because women are less shallow. A woman typically looks at the entire package whereas a man will deal with faults in the package if the wrapping is really nice. But…evolution says, “That’s okay.” I have no control over my make-up. Personally, I care about women who treat me well, and if she happens to not be so attractive then…I’ve made the mistake of choosing the more attractive and less substantive over the more substantive and less attractive. I was then in a bullshit relationship for a while. Bottom line, relationships are hard, man. Choosing the right partner for one is even harder.

[Reply]
Boosy reply on May 6, 2008 12:18 pm:
what women are not shallow..have you seen those ugly ugg boots, every woman wears one.. yet i swear they think they look fly…meanwhile it’s like you are a follower……

[Reply]
"A Mom" reply on May 6, 2008 9:08 pm:
No no no. Shallow does not have a label. Man nor Woman. Ego’s are across the board to.
Please tell me what is attractive and what is not attractive? I don’t really think looks are nothing but a personal opinion. What you see thru your eyes someone else sees different.

[Reply]
"A Mom" reply on May 6, 2008 9:10 pm:
I have seen those boots. they are ugly to me also, but my daughter love them. I love her so I deal with them, and she can be very shallow at times.

[Reply]
Rob Mania

Looks good, A-Man, but you should also mention “The Halo Effect.” The Halo Effect is that if you are perceived to have some positive qualities, you are assumed to have other positive qualities. For example, if you are fat, but have a sense of humor, girls consider you “cuddly” rather than “sloppy.”

[Reply]
TROUBLMan reply on May 6, 2008 11:21 pm:
The Halo Effect is real… When a 6 has a nice body she’s not ugly, she’s sexy

[Reply]
S E V E N

mann, i love reading this stuff.. you guys are all so cool..
everyone is speaking the truth and i love learning from you guys as you all teach and learn from each other..
i wish i had more to say in these great discussions but someone usually pretty much what i have to say..
don’t mind just being an observer of the greatness of TROUBL..
i’ll find my way to partcipate someway..

[Reply]
TROUBLMan reply on May 6, 2008 11:23 pm:
Step to the stage and enlighten us S E V E N. We need it!

[Reply]
A-Man

I dont know how much validity i’d put in the halo effect. Maybe you should explain it more, but to me it sounds like some one taking a quality most would view as unattractive, and making light of it or attempting to find it appealing. The first thing that popped in my mind was the whole laura winslow and steve urkel melodrama. The he’s a nerd and corny, but overtime that became he’s endearing and sweet. I dont know if thats necessarily a halo effect though, because he really was an endearing and sweet guy. And as far as a fat girl goes, you know she fat. Troblman, if a six has a bad body, she still an ugly girl with a bad body, that dont make her fine or sexy (think kim wayans). I think over time, unnattractive ppl become familiar and grow on you. And because ppl are more than their appearance, if given time to really get to know someone you can learn all kinds of wonderful things about an individual that may give way to some type of attraction forming. Regardless, none of that makes they ugly ass sexy. I think the halo effect is nothing more than an individual finding some other aspect that they are attracted to e.g. a sense of humor, style, devotion, that they can latch onto and that gives them reason to over look the fact that they are dating shenehneh.

[Reply]
J.

Point blank, it’s like this: At first, women often see men for their potential and men see women for what they are. Women may see someone that may not be objectively attractive, but has qualities that are subjectively desirable. This outweighs the outer shell for women. Men do not adjust their vision to fit other wants. For example, if said woman does not have long hair, or is not as thin, or as “pretty” (whatever that may be) as he would like, little else matters. Men are always thinking of that “next nut” and very seldom thinking of what would genuinely make them happy that they go for the next thing in a mini-skirt that reminds them of someone that looks like a video girl, but acts like an angel. Women, for the most part, think in terms of the future. Who will be faithful? Who will make me happy? Who will make a great father? etc. Hence why men fall in love through their eyes and women fall in love through their ears.

Women also place value on other things such as protection, security, and stability — qualities that are enduring whether or not the person is deemed objectively attractive. Like you said in your prior entries, women want men that can provide things that they can’t do for themselves. If women already fill the role of being “pretty,” then wouldn’t they search for someone who can fulfill other roles? (not to say women don’t want good-looking men)

[Reply]

TROUBL

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