RSSAsk-a-Man
Today’s question comes from another young lady in the DC area.
Angry black female asks: “Why do guys yell ‘You ain’t shit!’ when you don’t respond to their random curbside hollers?”
Ego! No one likes rejection, so in an effort to shield themselves, if only partially, from the sting of being denied, men may try to counter the hurt by attempting to demean you. It’s obvious that they don’t really believe “you ain’t shit.” They did go out of their way to risk rejection and “holla” at you in the first place. By responding to you in a confrontational and immature manner these men feel some sense of victory, even if the victory is only making you – the object of their affection – feel bad.
It’s very much like the kindergarten boy-likes-girl situation. Many little girls have fallen prey to smitten little boys who decided to demonstrate their affection by putting glue in their chair or throwing gum in their hair. This same methodology is at work in this case. Rather than approach a woman respectfully and maturely and accept rejection for what it is, oftentimes guys will allow their ego to eclipse their decency and shout tasteless remarks.
To play devil’s advocate for a moment, ladies, you have to understand that there are also polite and rude ways of rejecting someone. Hands in the face, beat-box sound effects, and ignoring a persons presence are not the best way to let someone know you aren’t interested. These and other similar actions may bruise the man’s ego and cause him to retaliate (not that retaliation is right on either party’s part).
It takes a lot for some men to muster up the courage to approach a woman. And while you’re probably getting hit on umpteen times a day, and annoyed by the sight of the next brother wearing dress shoes and gym socks approaching you as you exit the metro station, remember to be patient while rejecting him and ultimately accept his approach for the compliment it is.
21 Comments, Comment or Ping
*SB*
Ok i agree with this…some men are immature in the way they approach women so some women might respond in an immature way…I think the hollering out the passenger seat window is extremely played and needs to be cancelled out as a way to holler…
Now sometimes i feel the rude women…because sometimes when your decent with these men that holler at you in the most disgusting manner…they dont take no for an answer…they keep pushing…they stay hollering…you told them no…you told them you were flattered but you got a man…you told them everything under the sun and they are still in your face…thats when a sista is allowed to be like, “fuck off”…am i wrong? I think thats why some women have just decided to go the B&^$! route in the beginning instead of dealing with the hassle…not the best choice in my opinion but understandable…
[Reply]
Q.
even before this, men say those “disgusting” or “immature” things to get your attention, because it’s the perfect set-up to get dissed.. if they said it in a polite manner and got dissed?? sheeit, they are really hurt.. but if they start with “yo ma, lemme holla at you”, then the response they receive fits the way they got at you.. so they feel the win no matter what..
[Reply]
alwayswrite
I think women don’t understand that it does take a lot for guys to approach them. That’s a lot of tremendous pressure. Women don’t understand that. I liken it to the pressure women feel for the need to look pretty. Women, trust me, it takes a lot. And when guys finally do muster up the courage, hearing, “Naw, I’m cool,” is an unwanted statement. And let’s be honest, some women are just plain RUDE. Retaliation can simply be not necessarily towards the rejection but towards the rudeness, the manner of rejection. The logic: You rude. Then, I’m rude. So, “Fuck you then. You ain’t shit.”
[Reply]
TROUBLMan
Q,
You have a problem with “Yo mama, let me holla at you?” That’s how a lot of dudes talk. To me, it’s more about the context of where you’re at and how you say it. If I’m on the block politic’n and a mami walk by I don’t think I would be out of line. I know how to say “yo mama, let me holla at you,” with level of respect. If I were to approach that same girl with an “excuse me ma’am, how are you,” I think she’d be suspicious.
[Reply]
"A Mom"
Troublman
Are you kidding. “Yo mama” is old stuff. Anyone using that line, well maybe they do but I thought that was gone. I think a “Hey young lady” sounds much better. I don’t think “excuse me ma’am ” is bad at all. It would probably make me smile and after that we might have a decent dialogue. Whether we get together or not the words are most important, and especially how they come out of you mouth.
[Reply]
*SB*
i see troublman’s point…it depends on how you say it but I believe something a little more proper is always a safer route because the girl will take notice of the difference and atleast give you some respect in return…instead of writing you off as another n*&&@….i would hope so anyway…
Whats I find funny…is that some of my closest male friends do not holler at women…they let the women holler at them…so alot of this doesnt apply to them…
so in that case…I have to ask the men…does it matter what a women says or how she hollers at you? or it doesnt matter as long as shes a bad one? enlighten me!
[Reply]
troublsome
From a man’s perspective I always have thought that it was wack to holla at a girl in that demeanor… I have a 12 year old nephew who tried to do that the other day, and I must have slapped him in the back of his big ass head… I told him that no woman wants to be acknowledged that way. Bigger than that, it shows a little bit about your character as a man.
Troublman-
I agree “yo” little mama is cool, if you walk by, catch a little eye contact, and a smile then you calmly say it. But not if she is a block away and you scream like a wild person. If she is that gorgeous or something about her intrigues you, “Jog a little” get a little closer then speak your mind.
Mom-
Hey young lady is a good one, mam “could be good, but might make ol’ girl a little self conscious” But you can make it work…
But most of the entire context and the environment in which you holla at someone is a very big contingency on what and how you say things…
[Reply]
"A Mom"
Women have ego’s as well as men. I heard my daughter holla at a young man with a “Hey, Alright” and even though the young man gave her a smile he didn’t stop to talk merely acknowledged her.
[Reply]
Ev
Most guys, especially the nice guys, (not that ugly term again! LOL) wouldn’t say anything to a female who rejected him. It’s all a part of being male around (black???) females.
What I find so very weird is that the white females do not do this as much to me.
Asians females are as bad or worse… than any race at being rude when aproached by me….. blah blah blah. (That’s why I generally can’t stand them. )
[Reply]
Malia
This is funny! It used to happen to me all the time, but I bought myself a ring and now I tell everyone I’m married. If I’m interested a man will KNOW!!!! There won’t be any misunderstanding of my intentions. He won’t need ESP and we won’t need telepathy to get the party started!!!
I hate aggressive men, it’s unattractive, it looks desperate. I like the eye contact thing TROUBLSOME was talking about…..a nice smile and nod hello also work well, buy me drink or walk me outside….yall know what’s up!!! Chilvary ain’t dead yet!!!!!
[Reply]
A-Man
Well, what i’ve come to notice, from years of interaction with the opposite sex, and the ensuing conversations that stem from those interactions with my male counterparts is this: Most guys will give any girl that shows interest in them some play. Yes mom, i’m aware of women having egos, but if a girl is persistent, and really “wants” to get a guy, she undoubtedly can. I’ve seen many a guy fall victim to an undesired female because in all honesty, most men are just weak minded impulse oriented individuals. On top of that, the thought of actually passing up sex, rarely occurs to a man. And should a women be bold enough to make the promise of sexual fulfillment to a man, he almost always bite. Initially, im sure some of you will disagree with this assessment, but think hard about it before responding. How many times, guys, have you ended up next to a chick that you were like, DAMN….i prolly shouldnt have even taken it there…or how many times have you really denied the sexual advances of a woman? i dont expect much argument on this one. The sad part, im sure the women will point out, is that this generally only works with sex. A woman can pursue a relationship as hard and determined as she’d like, we know better than to fall for that one.
[Reply]
Q.
TM,
I think we need to go back to teaching each other the right way to approach women.. “hey ma” is not going to come out of my mouth, even when i know i can get away with it.. from one perspective, i look that much better to women by approaching them in a manner that is different from “most”.. so from that alone, i’m going a different way.. now, i’m not going to go back to the way my grandfather got at my grandma, but i’m also known to say “ma’am”, and that fits with me..
[Reply]
A-Man
-Malia
Buy you a drink? Girl stop…drinks is like 10 dollars these days, after the 20 or more to get in, and buying my own drinks i’m posed to drop 10 on you?
Guys, stop buying random women drinks. You wouldn’t just walk up to a woman at starbucks and buy her coffee. So why do it in the club? Just make conversation as you normally would, if she feeling you she’ll respond regardless of whether or not she still thirsty after the convo. Thats just my 2 cents….but then i’d also advise against talking to the “club chick” anyway. its a predatory environment, and the nice guy always finishes last in the club.
[Reply]
Malia
A-MAN
LOL!!!! LOL!!!! LOL!!!!! Okay, okay, don’t buy me drink, someone else will anyway…..like I said before if I like you I like you (with or without the drink…I don’t drink anymore anyway)—–and guys let me make it easy for you,there are no perfect pick-up lines. I don’t like the connation associated with pick-up lines. How can you want to pick-up a woman you have not spoken to? She might be beautiful, but trust me; if she is not beautiful on the inside you will be sick of her in five minutes!!! Except Q!!! ((smile))
Instead of having an anxiety-induced pick-up mindset, you are simply qualifying this woman as a person, just like we are qualifying you. Is she someone worth getting to know? Is she funny? Is she a great conversationalist? This is the frame of mind you should adopt when meeting women. You should be the choosy in your interactions with women. Don’t settle for a woman who does not add value to your current life.
And you absolutely right A-MAN……this is not marriage…it’s a simple HELLO……………
[Reply]
J.
I think the point that needs to be driven home is that there is no stock way of “hollering” at a woman. If you yell out random, ill-advised terms of endearment to one woman, then you probably have done it 10 minutes before she walked by and will most likely do it 5 minutes after she turns the corner. We know that these “hey mas” and “yo mamis” are not meant to be ways of communicating your unique interest in a woman, so it comes off as wack.
You see a pretty girl, you want to talk to her, be genuine about it and approach her according to the vibe that she’s giving off. The types of girls that usually get the “you ain’t shit” are the types that should not have been approached by a “holla” anyway. They’re usually the ones that should be politely invited to conversation.
[Reply]
Malia
J——————EXACTLY!!!!
[Reply]
TROUBLMan
Q
What’s the right way? I’ve always understood the right way to mean approaching a women with sincerity and politeness. I know how to say yo ma, hello ma’am or excuse me miss with the same level of sincerity and politeness. To me, TROUBLSOME hit it right on the head. I wouldn’t yell at her from across the street, i’d approach her like a gentlemen.
A MOM
To me, ma’am implies hierarchy. If I call a women ma’am she’d look at me as less, especially if she’s my age. If she’s older and I wanted to communicate my respect for her that’s when I’d say ma’am.
[Reply]
Q.
TM,
You’re right, the right way is with sincerity and politeness.. I guess the whole “hey ma” (although women are used to it), isn’t the way we grew up learning.. i just was not taught that way.. now, i heard dudes using slang, but i grew up under my sis and mom, so they wasn’t hearing that at all.. sincere or insincere.. personally, i feel i can say “ma”, and still get a number, but i choose not to.. that’s just me..
[Reply]
Boosy
While watching a fav. show, i saw as a man even upon death held honor for a lady of his lineage…so i ddef. don’t think that they should take these ways of speaking as compliments…i understand that “that’s how guys talk” but that should not be the approach..step ya game up…..sir
[Reply]
"A Mom"
Troublman
O.K. say Hey young lady! I think that sounds very nice and if she looks at you as less so what. As long as you know you are a gentlemen and have been taught how to address women, you will get better results.
[Reply]
Guerilla Busfare
There is definitely an “art” to dismissing someone.
If they holla at you respectfully, you can dismiss them respectfully like, “No thank you, I’m with my girls tonight. What’s your name? Well, it was nice meeting you. Maybe later,” or even “Thanks for the effort.”
But if a dude comes out of pocket, it’s alright to hit ‘em right back with a zinger. Most times, they don’t expect a witty response back, and you leave ‘em stunned.
Ladies, it ain’t your fault that you are lookin’ so fly. Fellas, step your game up!
[Reply]
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