Heartache Headache

Written by: Alex Merricks

How much does it hurt when your husband or wife commits adultery? How many of you have been in the situation, where your girlfriend or boyfriend harmed you by sharing love and intimacy with someone other than you? Many of us have been victims of this type of behavior throughout our lives, but many of us have also been guilty of the same crime.

Why does it hurt so bad to find out that the women you loved was with another man? I mean, if it was only physical, shouldn’t we just let it go and move on? I wish it were that way, however, it isn’t. This is “heartache” in the worst sense. Someone you love and have invested your heart and energy and emotion into has betrayed you. There is pain, upset, anger, but most of all there is a mystery inside of you. You start to wonder what you did that caused all of this or maybe what you didn’t do. You say, “I haven’t been romantic enough,” or, “He isn’t attracted to me anymore,” or even, “maybe the passion is gone between us.” So many unknowns come to mind when your heart is broken and your morale is down.

I can tell you, personally, so many emotions can fill your body and irrational thoughts can start to form in your mind of the things you want to immediately do. You might want to use force and smash the face in of the man who took your wife’s hand. You may want to slash the tires of your boyfriends car when you find the other girls “panties” is his apartment. Why does love make us do such crazy things?

In truth, the people that really need our help are the guilty. What problems are they trying to solve by sleeping with another person? There must some void they are trying to fill or else they wouldn’t do it, right? That is questionable. But seriously, what aberration makes a man or women continue to be promiscuous and lie and cheat over and over and over and over and over? It must be something of a terrible nature because the truth is that women and men are basically good.

That doesn’t mean they we cannot or do not harm one another, but it does mean that our actions do not necessarily stem from hatred. Don’t get me wrong, there is a small percentage out there who are completely off the rails and get a thrill from creating pain and chaos for others. It is only a small percentage though.

Can you remember your first love? Why didn’t it work out. What did you do that messed it all up and be honest. Or what didn’t you do to make it work. Sometimes the stronger individual in the relationship has to establish the morals and teach ethics to the “loose” partner. The only way we can set an example for our children is to do so. Too many broken families and one parent homes exist in the world today. Even if you cannot make the relationship work, find a way that you can be responsible for the other party and determine how you can improve their life somehow.

I once told a friend what I thought that women wanted to hear. He was telling me about how his girlfriend got into a situation at work and was worried that the job wasn’t going to work out. This is what I told him to say. I said, “All you have to tell her is that no matter what happens baby, now or in the future, I will always be here for you, whether we are in a relationship or not, and I will always help you with any troubles you run into.” I told him that sometimes what they want to hear is that you are a long-term partner in their life regardless of love and intimacy. This is what most people need to hear in order to have security. The problem with that statement is, how many of us really mean it.

If you can make that statement and boldly stand by it, you have probably separated yourself from about 90 percent of humanity. That number isn’t accurate or hasn’t been surveyed but I am guessing it is close.

It is always better to have loved than not loved at all, but is even better to continue that love even when the passion and relationship are gone. More of us need to be better friends and companions to truly be great lovers. I am learning this for the first time in my life.

Tags: Love, Sex | Apr 25, 2008 |

14 Comments, Comment or Ping

Malia

Mr. Merrick!!!! You just came hard this morning didn’t you? I can relate to this piece on every level.

- Yes, I have cheated in the past. It wasn’t the right thing to do. I should’ve left instead of hurting someone else but I was a coward. That experience taught me the value of honest communication going forward. I PROMISED I WOULD NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!!!!!! AND I NEVER HAVE!!!!

- I fell in love with someone and we developed a mental intimacy wayyyyy before we ever got physical. We became sooooo close, there wasn’t a day that went by that we didn’t text, email, call just to say good morning or how is your day. He knew all of my secrets and I knew all of his. He was my best friend. My emotions were already in too deep, so by the time we finally got physical it was phenomenal!!! I trusted him and the intimacy in the bedroom was even greater becuase of it. I THOUGHT we were on the same page in the SAME BOOK, but he cheated on me. I can’t even put into words how devastated I was. Words can’t equal the pain and sense of loss I felt. It was like somebody died. He gave something away to someone else —- that belonged to me ——– and he could never take it back. He said he was drunk and it didn’t mean anything, but it meant EVERYTHING to me. I thought we were TRYING for each other, he always said “this will either be something really beautiful or it will be nothing at all”….so at that moment I felt like WE WERE NOTHING AT ALL!!!! Can you comprehend what a loss that is? All the months, time, energy, effort, caring, conversations, built trust, love, faith, hope, loyalty was gone. Gone just like that! It shattered everything I had believed in.

- Heartache Headache is right!!! When you truly, genuinely love someone, the love never ends but it does evolve into something else. Over time we transformed the heartache into friendship. I had to learn how to love him again, but not the same. I had to guard my heart, because I know being hurt like that again would kill me.

- YES, I can honestly say what you said above and mean it! I want the best for him. I want him to be happy. I hope one day he finds what he’s looking for…….

[Reply]
*SB*

Im glad that im not the only one experiencing heartache and headache right now…it feels good to know that other people are experiencing or have experienced something similar and have recovered successfully…or so it seems…

Ive never had my heartbroken…some say it something that everyone must go through but im hoping i can be an exception to that rule…Ive never been cheated on any of my boyfriends and as far as i know none of my boyfriends have never done that to me… and by cheating i mean having sex/ oral sex with someone else…

My frustration and heartache derive from the fact that me and my ex’s never seem to be on the same page…the sacrifices that i feel one should make to continue the relationship is not made…if you love someone….your actions should say so…

In my case…it wasnt infidelity that ruined our relationship…it was my desire to be sucessful in life and i seen my current location as an additional hurdle to that devolpment…so i left….although i wanted things to continue from afar…they didnt…there was tension and distance….my heart hurts because i see so many other couples make it through the long-distance storms…I see other couples that go the extra distance/ make the sacrifices because they know their partner is trying to ensure a future so why couldnt i have that unconditional love and support? Im sure that he’s thinking the same thing which i understand also… so now i see myself trying to build a bridge between us but i dont see the effort from the other side and that is the tru cause of the heartache…

So i dont know what worse…having someone physical cheat on you…or disappoint you emotionally? Regardless, both can make you crazy!!

[Reply]
Elaina

After being cheated on… you will never be 100% again!!! It has now been 6 months since it has been completely over. I know I have gotten a HELL of a lot better. But I also feel as if there is part of me that is still damaged goods. I want to be in a state where I am fully happy being single and aren’t pursuing men for a relationship in fulfilling a need or a hole. I want to be where I was before I met my ex. I never ever had this feeling that I have had since I my ex cheated on me!

[Reply]
Alex

I understand how that can be Elaina. Loss of havingness is tough to recover from. I learned once that in times like this, you have to be your own best friend. Love yourself enough to know that you can make yourself whole before you go and find someone to make a part of your life. That is where integrity comes in.

[Reply]
Elaina

SB——–It’s funny because I just had this conversation with someone else today…..lol. Long distance relationships are hard—-but not impossible. They require alot more patience and understanding. Communication is essential!!!! Both sides have to be committed, and the conversation has to be about “us” not just one person and their issues, or their goals, or their wants and needs. It takes two!!!! One-sided love never wins!

ELAINA—– Girl, don’t try to replace the old with the new until you are ready for sure. If you do, you’ll only hurt yourself and the new guy. I was there and I felt like I was constantly running towards something or away from something else but I didn’t really know what it was. It took time to move past that, but I did!

[Reply]
Malia

Elaina————–I am over it too, I have moved on, I have forgiven the ex, I don’t poison my life with thoughts of it anymore. It is out of my system, gone, behind me, you get the picture. It’s his problem, not mine, and now I know it always was his problem.

[Reply]
troublsome

You know what is crazy? ” A man will cheat on a woman all day, and justify it” If they get caught they expect their counter part to stay with them and understand. But the moment that they catch their chick cheating, Pride takes over, and they are done! It’s a hard situation to deal with…

There is a song by Nas, that paints a vivid pictureon what it would be like to walk in on your girl cheating on you…

“Undying Love”
-Nas

Uh..
Pacino life, G a roll, casino dice
at the Mirage, Vegas strip, neon lights
Gamblers, puffin cigars, couples and stars
Flashin cameras, dealers, shufflin cards
Spent the weekend, already miss New York and it’s odd
cause I’m the first to say it got too many hustlers who rob
I never hang out, when we do we bust the four-five
cause shells comin back at us while we jump in the ride
Flyin, duckin, our bitches in the club cluckin
Tellin my wife who I was dancin with like I was fuckin
Flew back, Monday evening from the bottom where the sun was beamin
to the concrete jungle of cement
Limousine’s from LaGuardia airport, sleepin
Told my dogs peace, kept in movin, I was beat when
got to my crib, where the hell my keys went?
Ringin the bell, heard a yell but wasn’t sure
Dropped my luggage to the ground, put my ear to the door
Slow music, H-Town, no that’s down low
My baby’s, drop Mercedes is parked, I creep around yo
to the back, she must be inside and can’t hear
Probably upstairs, in the mirror, doin her hair
I walked in through the back door entrance
Shocked it was unlocked, when I walked in, I smelled incense
chased by a weed aroma, empty Guinnesses
and lipstick marks on like three empty Coronas
A pair of blue jeans on the carpet; size 12 Timberlands
Somethin swingin on the ceilin fan, I stopped it
Swingin slower and slower..
On the last swing I saw it was a G-string and heard laughin
Thought about my nine-side Glock but somethin made me disregard it
Started my way up to where the noise and music was at
Froze, I couldn’t react
Bedroom door opened a crack, seen wifey layin with some nigga
mumblin shit, he had one hand on her ass
and she was rubbin his dick, toastin wine glasses
Cherry scented candles was lit, couldn’t handle the shit
Searchin for words I found none, without a sound
I left the house with a sick smile and took my gun
Now I’m out buggin, whylin, what I’m gon do?
Call my man Horse, meet me outside, I’m comin through

I thought you loved me
I thought you cared for me
I thought you needed me
Did you believe in me?

-Nas
Got up with Horse, showed a look on my face was mad lost
I ain’t know whether to cry or just, try to laugh it off
“Son you home early — they wiped you out that quick?”
I said, “Nah,” showed him the plastic with nine in the clip
Hopped in the whip, popped in the disc, pressed play
To the Grand Central, from the Van Wyck Expressway
I said, “Bet you’ll never guess in a million years
what I just saw happenin — and probably still is
Snuck in my crib - some nigga fuckin my wiz
I saw dem, they ain’t see me, I ducked and I slid
I’ma grab shorty, I need you to grab the nigga for me”
Just when I thought I found love, she shitted on me
Shopped in Vegas, a present, for our engagement
20 G’s on a ring I would have hit her today with
My surprise couldn’t match the one she had for me
We pulled up, he was walkin out the house backwardly
Parked in the back of my house, they couldn’t see us
Ran to the side of my house, cocked the heater
Walked to the front when I talked he had junk
Bitch tried to slam the door shut, got caught in Horse foot
Shot the Spanish kid in the rib, drug him in
Grabbed her face, say goodbye to your undercover friend
One between the eye, she’s died, by mistake
Must’ve held the gat too tight, pointed at her face
Heard somebody knock — Horse helped me hide the bodies
Heard si-rens, I guess we goin out we out like kamikazes
We surrounded, red lights flashin, who’s inside?
Came out a bullhorn, I’m contemplatin suicide
Horse asked me for the Mac, he gave me dap, one love
Cocked the strap, then he ran out the back
Mad shots couldn’t tell what was goin on
Sat on the floor near my dead girl, put her in my arms
Pulled her ring out my pocket I was savin
Put it on her ring finger cocked the glock, and started prayin
to Muhammad and Allah, the most beneficial
through you, all things are possible, I know you’re listenin
I never meant for this to happen, I never dreamed
this’d be my fate, such a grotesque, murder scene
On that note, same time, the cops busted in
Kissed my lady, her blood on my lips, I said “Amen”
Put the nine to my head, pulled the hammer, held her close
Squeeze the toast, said to her, “Now unto God, we elope”

.. we elope ..( He blew his brains out!)

[Reply]
"A Mom"

I wish my ex well also. But every once in a will I have a dream about him cheating and me walking in the room while he and the women are in the bed doing there thing. I have a gun I don’t shoot to kill. I just shoot them both in the ass so that they become handicap. (Just Joking)

[Reply]
sarahsunrise

Here’s the thing - men and women are NOT basically good. At the end of the day everyone has evil locked up in there along with the good. It’s a nice cookie-cutter ending to think that everything’ll be fine because we all can make it work, but the truth is that trancedence is real and that means good AND evil. Every person on this earth has the ability to commit adultery, pain, suffering, sickness (body or soul) and death. No, not everyone will, but give this some thought. Good will triumph in the end, but until that day we are screwed.

[Reply]
Alex

I beg to differ Sarah. I understand that you must have experienced a lot of loss personally and due to that have a lot of anger and upset. I could be wrong. I find that when I start losing hope in people, I look in the mirror and see what it is that I am doing that I am ashamed of. Truth be told, if you feel you have been wronged, look at the wrongs you have done to. If you feel you have done no wrong, look at how long let wrong be done and realize that inaction is a decision too and just as much of a sin as an act itself.

[Reply]
alwayswrite

Excellent essay Alex. It really is difficult to maintain a relationship when the passion is gone. And it will go, because passion is typically momentary. I can only suppose that is what unfaithful partners are searching for outside their relationships. But, still, that is no excuse. Friendship does typically keep a relationship strong, especially one that is well into the years. Being faithful becomes a matter of not wanting to hurt your friend over anything else. Unfortunately, that sometimes is not enough.

[Reply]
Boosy

How much of that passion can you say is monetary

[Reply]
sarahsunrise

Actually, I’ve never cheated/been cheated on. Most of my relationships have been pretty healthy. My comment was simply based on a set of beliefs I have. You seem adamant in your essay (which well written, by the way) that people are basically good, and it’s not so. It has nothing to do with my personal experiences and everything to do with worldview.

[Reply]
Alex

Sarah, I respect your beliefs, but if your viewpoint is not based on empirical observations, than what is it based on? The motivations of all men are good, regardless if it comes out bad. Yes, more bad is being done and that is a testament to ignorance and false data about how to handle situations in the world.

I was taught that if I am going to believe something, it should be based on workability. Based on your thoughts that man is basically bad, how can we improve conditions? With that assumption, things can never get better unless some deity comes in and does it for us. As far as I know, I can pray and ask God for help till the very end of time, but God helps those who help themselves. My viewpoint isn’t based on optimism, it is based on workability. If man is basically bad, than he is a beast that cannot be changed or improved. In my eyes, man is a spirit with unlimited potential. Evil is possible. It actually takes good people to have a high confront on evil in order to eradicate it. As I was saying, if man is basically good, than his wrong actions and his past can be rectified and he can and will triumph in the end. Thanks for your statement though, it makes me think. It takes me back to my stable datum that is always true regardless of who you are.

THAT EVERY INDIVIDUAL IS ALWAYS RIGHT…

Understand that statement before you comment. Realize that even if you disagree, that you are right in your own estimation. I appreciate the feedback.

[Reply]

TROUBL

Heartache Headache

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