RSSAsk-a-Man
Ok, so you’ve read the title of this column and I know what you’re thinking. “What makes this guy think he can answer my questions?” The answer is simple – your questions are the same mysteries that have puzzled young, single women since the dawn of the modern dating age. And, it just so happens that I’ve been divinely charged to share my expertise with you.
For years I sat idly by as my female friends repeatedly allowed guys to manipulate and hurt them. I watched my male friends “run through” best friends and roommates, cousins and sorority sisters, and wondered how the girls in question could be so oblivious to these guys’ intentions and actions. After years witnessing, and occasionally participating, in the womanizing and pseudo-hedonism, I have decided to be selfless by helping women understand the ways of the men they deal with.
This brings us to birth of Ask-a-Man. I pledge to answer your questions accurately and honestly. While at times I may be blunt, and may even come off as insensitive, know that it is only tough love. I look forward to all of your questions on everything and anything.
Today, Lonely in DC asks, “I’m an attractive young woman with a master’s degree and a good job. What’s up with men in their 20s not wanting to be in relationships?”
Ladies this is myth. Men in their 20s are not afraid of committed relationships, they are simply aware that they have options – multiple options. For every 100 unmarried women in the DC metro area, there are only 82 unmarried men. These statistics don’t take sexuality, incarceration, employment, or levels of education into account. The numbers also can’t account for attraction.
It’s simple supply and demand. Young, heterosexual, educated men know that they’re a very limited commodity so they can afford to exploit the demand. In the case of relationships, this means you have to “come that much harderjs” in order to entice a young man to want to commit these days. Sure, an attractive girl will still attract eligible bachelors, but in order for her to get those men to engage in a serious relationship, she has to set herself apart from the bunch. These days, it’s not rare to see a woman with a job, it’s not rare to see a woman that’s educated, or supports herself. These days, what has become increasingly rare, is the woman that can support her man. The woman that cooks well and has all the domestic qualities we’ve been conditioned to yearn for in women. Young women are more concerned with what a man can do for them than what they can do for their man, and this selfish point of view is hurting them in relationships.
I admit, it’s a sexist philosophy, but it is still the dominant school of thought. As gender roles continue to evolve and women continue to take on what was once considered the work of men, I expect it will only get harder for women to find a “good man.” Most women, despite how independent they may be, want a man that can provide benefits that they cannot provide for themselves. This automatically eliminates homosexuals, inmates, the unemployed, and the uneducated. Though this outlook may seem bleak, not all is lost. I advise you to keep looking, but change your approach. Search smarter not harder, and understand that men aren’t afraid of relationships; you just have to give them a reason to want one.
20 Comments, Comment or Ping
"A Mom"
Do you think that women have become more desperate and are trying to get a man any man so that they can get married and have children before that age we call “Old Maid”? Women now are getting married and having families at a later age these days but is that too late syndrome still plague us? And finally should women just relax and realize they are not in control and if they take their time the will get the quality we all deserve?
[Reply]
Malia
I wasn’t going to post to this one because I am confident that you are not talking about me…lol! I know how to make a man happy and how to keep him that way.
- I’m independent!!!
You don’t have to baby-sit me, I have my own personality and opinions. I can stand on my own two feet, both financially and emotionally, and I am able to enjoy time away from you - while still missing you….
- I’m intelligent!!!
I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the bimbo routine gets really old, really fast. I will constantly surprise you and keep you on your toes. I won’t let you get bored!!! It’s nice to have something to talk about between all that chandelier-hanging sex.!!!!
- I’m sexual!!!
I have undeniable attraction toward you, and I am well able to communicate my desires verbally (or with physical cues). I can please a brother in the bedroom, or the bathroom, or on top of the dryer - whatever the case may be.
- I’m beautiful!!!!
I’m not being self-indulgent egotist, I’m just saying that I want to look good for you, but also for myself! You can be proud to have me on your arm and enjoy the sight of me in any light.
- I respect you!!!!
I listen to you, even if I don’t necessarily agree with what you’re saying. And, of course, I never tries to demean or belittle you in any way, shape or form. I don’t cause scenes in public or try to front you in front of your friends, I always wait to discuss matters with you in private. ((BUT DON’T PISS ME OFF!!!))
- I let you be a man!!!
I let you be a guy in all your glory, football season and all. I’ll even bring you and your buddies a couple of beers and make you some of my famous sandwiches.
- I’m nagless!!!!
I won’t give you hell for leaving a couple of dishes in the sink occasionally. However, if you stay out all night without calling me, and I let you have it, then that’s on you! This is a situation that nobody would let slide - not even a great girlfriend.
- I get along with your friends and family
Not only will I help your mom in the kitchen, listen to your dad’s stories and hang out with your friends, but I will enjoy it!!! I make the effort to get to know and love the most important people in your life.
- I love you!!!!
If you have found a woman who loves you for who you really are and not who you pretend or try to be sometimes, you should definitely hang on!!!!
- I make you want to be a better man
Stop making that face… any man who has a great girlfriend or wife will tell you that she makes him want to be a better man. She doesn’t have to say or do anything; it just is that way. If you suddenly feel bad about how you treated your sister or find yourself trying to get your finances in order, you might want to think about your motivation for doing so. It could be love……
Now with all that said——my question is——-why the hell would I waste my time on a man who wouldn’t waiste his time on me?
ANSWER THAT!!!!!
[Reply]
"A Mom"
I think this post is to bring up the questions not to point a finger because you know that there are a lot of women maybe not you but in our circles that are going thru this. I always say! We teach people how to treat us, and these questions can maybe help some of us see that.
Malia
I have no question that you are all that, because your heart is big as the world, but even you can sit back and say regardless of how you treat some men (some men) you don’t always get what you give. That happened to me in my last relationship. All I gave was not enough. Lucky for me I knew when to walk away and I did.
[Reply]
A-Man
A Mom- I wouldn’t necessarily say that they’ve become more desperate, as i dont have much to base that comparison on. I will however say that many young women long for relationships irrationally. Not to say that there is this unwavering interest in marriage, i think the interest is specifically in just a relationship. Women, at least in my dealings with them specifically, want to feel special. If I’m wrong on this one please enlighten me. And often, in their attempts to feel special they long for relationships with men, who are obviously out for just sex, or men who if they would look at the situation rationally and objectively, they’d see are just not a good fit. I feel that not wanting to be alone leads women to wanting, for lack of a better word, wack-ass relationships. Furthermore, many women get caught up in these wack ass relationships and are so enamored to be “special” that they dont even realize how wack the relationship is. So no i wouldnt call it a fear of becoming the old maid thats causing women to pick wack situations, (and i use situations here and not wack men, because the guys only do what you allow them to do) id more accurately attribute it to wanting to feel special. I doubt the majority of girls enter most relationships really believing that theyll marry the other party. As far as just relaxing and letting things develop on their own time; this could be useful for many of young lady. Relaxation, however, could then lead to the old maid situation and you could be relaxing until you 45. Just be careful not to handicap yourself. I think thats the best thing for women to do. Be mindful of how you present yourself, and what you have to offer, and be realistic about what you deserve and who is right for you. Every woman cant have denzel, or diddy, or **insert guy of the moment here**, you have to be realistic about what you can get and perhaps more importantly, you have to know what exactly you WANT, before you can get anything.
[Reply]
A-Man
Malia-
I dont think anyone would ask you to waste your time on someone who wouldnt waste there time on you. honestly this seems like a contradictory statement to begin with. if someone wouldn’t waste their time on you, do you even have the option to waste time on them? Even the “jump-off” gets time wasted on her. I think the difference between the jump-off and wifey is the QUALITY of time “wasted”. Now, i dont know you, but since a mom is vouching for you i assume that your personal assessment must hold some truth. And even with all that, its still very possible for you to be the jump off. So i guess, what id like you to do is clarify your question. Because as it stands, I agree with you completely, to devote time and effort and energy to someone who isn’t willing to do the same to you is a lil crazy.
[Reply]
Malia
Girl, where have you been?????? I miss you!!!! I feel exactly where you are coming from. I’m just saying that I couldn’t read that shyt about these dudes being a very limited commodity so they can afford to exploit the demand!!! Exploit me???? Yeah right! That is a hard pill to swallow, it makes me feel like I’m a trying to buy a one of kind piece on ebay and I have to stick around and keep my eyes on the piece, on my competitors, and on the price. Well the price is too high!!! I’m a good woman and I am not going to “COME THAT MUCH HARDER” to entice a brother to want to commit. Shyt, I’m a very limited commodity myself and he needs to entice me to stick around for his bullshyt!!!!
There may be women who deserve losers in their lives, but I KNOW I’M ONE OF THEM!!!! I DESERVE THE BEST!!! I’M DEFINITELY WORTH IT!!!!
When the right man comes along, he will recognize that - until that time comes….I’m not chasing nobody!
Ladies!!!! Stop making it easy for these brothers to treat us any way they want! Like A MOM said, we teach people how to treat us! I don’t want half of man….I don’t want leftovers…….I want the best! And you should too!!!!
[Reply]
"A Mom"
Malia,
Missed you to.
Moms has been taking care of business. Since I am out of work for 3 weeks now. I have been preparing for my new adventure in the world. Working on my resume portfolio and getting some ideas on which direction I should go. Just letting the Lord lead me with prayer. Malia you are young and one of the reasons I keep going. Your energy flows thru my heart and lets my mind see the possibilites. Troubl has truly saved me in so many ways, not to say I was down but just to say Troubl has been my sounding board.
Just want to say that I think most of us understand we deserve better, but sometimes I think for some we are still into changing or hoping that people will change on there owen, so we take more than we should.
[Reply]
TROUBLMan
There are definitely some desperate women out here. My question is how do you identify them? Most women I meet are cool until feelings get involved and then they lose their minds. These women aren’t necessarily desperate for a man, but they are desperate for some self-esteem! And they try to get it whenever they can.
How do I identify these women before I get too deep?
[Reply]
"A Mom"
There are signs in any person Man or Woman. And those sign usually are there early in the relationship. Seeing them I think we can but we kind of play them off until we get deeper in thinking we can change things. It’s not hard if you don’t ignore them.
[Reply]
Malia
TROUBLMAN——
First of all, you are engaged! So you don’t have to identify any other woman except your own! I’M GOING TO KEEP YOU HONEST TROUBLMAN!!!
Yes, women have the stupid gene, I won’t deny it. If you’ve ever really been in love you would already know the answer to that question. We aren’t just crazy about the AVEGRAGE NIGGA!!! I don’t date average niggaz!! I fell in love with the most complex brother I could possibly find on the planet and decided THAT’S THE ONE!!! I mean he had MPD ((Multiple Personality Disorder)), one minute he was sweet and wonderful, the next minute he was missing in action, the next minute he missed me, the next minute he had attitude….damn! His issues had issues and he was my f*cking issue—-yall gon make me cuss today!! I was never desperate and I’m still not, I don’t have a problem meeting men, yes good ones that want to commit to me—–I made a mistake, I see that now….as many women do. But it’s not fair to label them as desperate because they fell in love!
[Reply]
Malia
A-MAN
It doesn’t matter what I think.
[Reply]
*SB*
Im new to the DC area but I have to say that I see the opposite…I see men out here trying to wife a girl up real-quick…it dont even make any sense!!
As far as relaxing….when did that become a bad thing…yall already started talking about desperate females…so when a lady is chillen shes in risk of being a old-maid- thats some B.S!!! Men love a chase so chillen is a good idea… just so hes like “damn shes really not trippen off me”
…thats when they start acting right…when they feel like they dont have u locked down!!! Thats when they put their A game on…and thats when they want a relationship to make sure you dont go nowhere!
im really not feeling how this conversation has insinuated that the fault is on the girl…yes some girls are a lil loco and latch onto anything that gives them attention but not all men are honest with their feelings or actions.. I see alot of men playing the part to string a girl along…they know they can catch more bees with honey than vinegar….i find that they do that because they enjoy the attention-it strokes their ego…not only that but some men have this image of being a pimp or player and think its cute when it is SO played.
Oh and im sorry…but if a woman has her shit together…she would want to see what a man could do for her besides give her some good dick…she’s seeking an equal partner not some man that she gotta play momma with…a man that will make her better in certain areas as she makes him better in certain areas…
[Reply]
Malia
SB———-
SPEAK ON IT SIS!!!! YOU SAID IT ALL!!!
These dudes better feel lucky to even be in the presence of someone who genuinely cares about their trifling a$$es—-see yall got my cussing again!
I am done with this!
[Reply]
Erika
Some of them have the reason to want one, but still deny it.
[Reply]
mrschocolatestuff
Some are true to themselves- they admit they are not ready to stay put. but to generalize– - nah…
[Reply]
The Beautiful Mind
This is deep rite here. I will enjoyed reading this. I know I take my
time finding that rite one and I know that Im a great individuaL. I
think what is wrong with ppl is they are searching for what ppl can do for
them. Life isnt all about you its about what you can do for others…
[Reply]
"A Mom"
We all make mistakes. Some of us are with people right now that we know have triple personalities and we need to escape but we feel so connected we have become part of the problem.
Malia - Girl I had a Gemini who was night and day - night and day if you know what I mean. I didn’t know if he was goin or comin. I was real young but I came to my senses.
[Reply]
a-Man
It sounds good, but it doesn’t make sense ladies, and i mean that in the most respectful way. I’m not so much placing BLAME on women as i’m asking them to think rationally and objectively about the situations they put themselves into. The majority of bad relationships can be avoided and you just pay attention and think! too many women boast about how they think with their hearts and then run around and chastise men for thinking with their penis, when both parties are essentially “thinking” with an organ that wasn’t designed for the function. It makes no sense. Furthermore, your feelings that men do things to stroke thier ego aren’t all that insightful in my opinion. Women do to, why do you think cosmetic surgery and victories secret make so much money. Women are just as vain as men are, we just express that vanity differently. Where a man will sleep with multiple women to feel important, a woman will WANT multiple men to sleep with her to feel important. And in these cases, these still aren’t representative of or indicative of the actions of the masses. Their are plenty of self-assured women just as there are plenty of self assured men out there. For women to act as if the only reason you cant find a good man is because there some innate defunct in the worlds men is asinine. My advice to you, the lady in question, and any other women reading this, is re-evaluate the relationships you choose to pursue and the people you allow into your life. Malia perhaps helped my argument the most when she admitted that she too, despite all those amazing qualities she’d listed in a previous post, had “made a mistake, I see that now….as many women do”. And while i agree you shouldn’t blame the ignorant, once someone comes along (like me) and tries to help give you a perspective to look at so that you dont remain ignorant, its funny how you ( the ladies) want to argue and defend the current practices that aren’t really getting you anywhere. go figure…
[Reply]
Malia
A-MAN
Your post was really good and I apologize that I let my emotions take over. I think you should’ve “smoothed” your way into this piece.. .. you put us on the defensive real quick. Relationship posts are always hard but they are necessary for growth. And you are absolutely right, I have a new perspective and just because I haven’t found my king doesn’t mean that I’m not already a Queen!!!! I have moved on and I’m crushin on someone who meets all the qualities I’ve asked for in a man.
[Reply]
"A Mom"
Yes relationship posts are a big thing on this blog, but It gets us talking and I think that Troubl is giving us a sounding board as well as educating us all. Emotions a bound to pop-up. We are all human and this involves our emotions.
No one is alright or all wrong. But learning involves listening, talking, and learning.
[Reply]
Reply to “Ask-a-Man”
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