TROUBL

1. Diana

   Like you said, it’s so sad that we put little children thru this without realizing the impact we leave on them. It distorts their own views on love and marriage from a very young age. They are brought up thinking that love doesn’t exist and often that frame of mind causes them to go from one bad relationship to the other. I’m not saying that all children end up like this. But unfortunately, a big percentage does. My good friends sister is going thru this right now and it’s sad to hear the remarks her daughters make about marriage at such a young age. Who’s fault is it? The parents. Personally, I am not a believer in divorce but infortunately for whatever reason it seems to be happening all around us. In the event that it becomes the only option, please be extra supportive and nurturing to the children. They don’t deserve to see mom crying in her room or dad insulting mom behind her back. They deserve the same chance at love like you all did when you were younger.

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2. TROUBLMan

   There’s nothing wrong with single parent household if the children have a positive support system outside of the home. I’m a product of a single family household and so are 95 percent of my friends. From my experience the friends whose moms created a support system outside of the home did well. And it was little things that made the difference. It was things like signing their kids up at the Boys and Girls club, putting them in sports, or creating close ties with other single parents and allowing all of us to come over.

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   "A Mom" reply on June 18, 2008 12:37 pm:

   My house was full of everyones children. I always wondered what was going on in their home that they always loved to be at my home, but I didn’t matter I loved them all and it kept my children close to home and close to me. When my boys were in the Boys Scouts I became the President. That was my way of keeping close to them at all times.

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3. Alfred

   If I find out a woman has a kid it’s time to move to the left.

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   Malia reply on June 18, 2008 12:41 pm:

   If you don’t date women w/ kids then that cuts out half the population right there. If you have standards that say women w/children are off limits then so-be-it but as a woman w/ children I will say, she will do fine without you! I find the fact that she is no longer attractive to you because she’s a mom offensive, but I’m glad I know that about you, I wouldn’t date a man who had an issue with that.

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   Alfred reply on June 18, 2008 12:46 pm:

   I just prefer to not date single moms is all. I don’t resent the kid. Not his fault he’s here and he shouldn’t be penalized for existing.

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   Malia reply on June 18, 2008 12:48 pm:

   You’re not dating her child, you’re dating her. I have NEVER let a man I’m dating even meet my boys because they have no need to unless it’s going to be a permanent situation. Now they can meet my friends and it’s no big deal. But since you made a case to put it out there it obviously doesn’t sit well w/ you. Stand strong in your convictions. Just know you could be missing out on a quality person because of your pre-qualifications.

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   K RAMSEY reply on June 18, 2008 12:43 pm:

   Whoa there AL! Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and they are well within their rights to be selective. However, you may find yourself a single parent one day (sue to a divorce or death of a spouse), then what? Wouldn’t you want someone to date you, or would you rather they hold it against you because you had a kid? I have a kid and someone made a comment like that to me once. I exercised my right to end the relationship and remove myself and my child from any potential future negative situations from that person. You might want to rethink that one AL. I would suggest that you consider what kind of a mother she is before you make a decision like that one. I happen to know a lot of single mothers and they are great mothers. Would I date them if the opportunity arose? I sure would. Would I marry either of them if we were in love? I sure would; and would think nothing of what I would not do for my respective family. In my mind, when a person has a child, it means that you can see their past walking around. Man listen I have talked to Nicole and TD on several occasions and the conversation always seemed to drift to their kids. But like I said earlier, you are entitled to your own opinion. Just be careful how you express yourself, for you can’t retract words.

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   "A Mom" reply on June 18, 2008 12:48 pm:

   Alfred
   If you feel that way, you are doing the right thing by moving to the left You prevent the heartbreak and you are probably doing someone a favor.

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   Alfred reply on June 18, 2008 12:51 pm:

   I never said or implied that single moms are somehow bad or lesser people. I’m sure you’re all excellent mothers. I don’t think my statement was some kind of indictment against single parents. I simply have an ideal in my head that when if I do get married I’d like to start a family with my wife. Also I believe its good to have time to simply be married after one gets married, before kids enter the picture. Not saying its the only way to do things or that’s how things will work out with me. Just an ideal in my head.

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   Malia reply on June 18, 2008 12:53 pm:

   Don’t settle if that is a goal you have set for yourslef. It’s not wrong, it just struck me strange that you would base your attraction/non-attraction or even potential attraction on something like that in this day and age. Your dreams are just as important as anyone elses’ so if you invision your bride still chaste and w/out child you are completely entitled to fulfill that dream. I guess I’ve seen life change right before my eyse and the things that used to be importatnt to me (image) don’t really matter as much as finding someone I love/who loves me/muy best friend/my lover and I wouldn’t care, but that’s just me. One man’s loss…..

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   Alfred reply on June 18, 2008 12:56 pm:

   Everyone has standards that they look for in a mate, which could make them miss out on a quality person.

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   Malia reply on June 18, 2008 1:04 pm:

   You’re absolutely right. I have high standards as well. Mine are based more on character than image. I would much rather date a guy w/ kids who was loving, comapssionate, responsible, hard working, faithful, great lover….than a great looking single with no children but was a womanizer, lazy, two-timing playboy. You are single and you might be a great guy, but I wouldn’t date you because your goals of dating a woman w/o kids would deny me the opportunity to even get to know you. I wouldn’t waste my time.

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   Torrie reply on June 18, 2008 1:06 pm:

   So, would you date a man with No kids?

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   Malia reply on June 18, 2008 1:09 pm:

   Of course, I have and I do. I don’t define myself or others based on what life has dealt them in the form of having kids/no kids. I deal with each man I date individually and I wouldn’t want a man to NOT date me based on the fact of me having children or not, because my kids have nothing to do with my social life. They don’t need a dad. I won’t even let my kids meet him unless we are going to have some permanency, period!

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4. Torrie

   I don’t date guys with kids younger then 6 or 7. Even though I have a child, I do prefer to date childless males.

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   Malia reply on June 18, 2008 12:49 pm:

   That is such a hypocritical statement.

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   Torrie reply on June 18, 2008 12:52 pm:

   Why is that?

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   Malia reply on June 18, 2008 12:54 pm:

   Because you have children but you wouldn’t date a man who had children a certain age. WTF?!?! I am speaking for quality single parents when I say —-they already have mothers/fathers…you wouldn’t be dating my children you would be dating me, you wouldn’t be a substitue mom so why would my children’s age be an issue?

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   Torrie reply on June 18, 2008 1:01 pm:

   I won’t men and women with children, have this back and forth game they play with one another and feel because they have a child together it is okay if they still have (relationships with one another and they are separated). I won’t date men with kids in a certain Age bracket. You read it right. I ain’t dealing with the drama and hope to hell you don’t have more then one child. I might not date you then. The same reasons people don’t want to date people with kids, I agree with some and just understand why they don;t in others.

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   Malia reply on June 18, 2008 1:05 pm:

   don’t like streotypes. I have a single few friends, men and women, myself included who have children and don’t have any of the drama you speak of. I guess I took myself out of the ghetto a long time ago and I asscoiate myself with grown-ups, so the baby/mamma/daddy drama doesn’t play a role in any of our lives. We’re all evolved adults who moved on and would love to date quality people of the opposite sex without being labled and pigeon-holed based on our children’s age bracket.

   But that’s just me……

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   Torrie reply on June 18, 2008 1:11 pm:

   My issue or experience is with men I date with children that young have baby mommies who act they like are the GF’s and they baby has a cold or he needs this or that. Calling all hours of the night. Yes, kids get sick at all ages. I ain’t deal with no young kids.

   Okay, well if I am not a quality single parent because I won’t date them, then my loss. I am not tricking.

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   Malia reply on June 18, 2008 1:13 pm:

   I feel you but if his child was sick I would take a rain check and let him handle his business. I’ll take my butt home and watch a movie and eat ice cream and chill. I’m not raising nobody else’s kids unless I’m married and vice versa.

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5. She-Rell

   I grew up in a single parent home and didnt have all that other stuff. Im just fine.

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   "A Mom" reply on June 18, 2008 4:54 pm:

   That’s good for you, but it doesn’t happen for everyone. The ideal is two good parents. In my case I had to be a single parent because of divorce but I didn’t get married to get divorced. If I could have saved my relationship I would have.

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   Diana reply on June 19, 2008 3:19 pm:

   I completely agree with you. The ideal is coming from a good dual parent home and that’s that. This is a proven fact and we can’t deny it. We shouldn’t even let the words “there is nothing wrong with single family households” come out of our mouth because that validates a lot of people from going thru a divorce without doing things that could have guaranteed to save their marriage. Again, not all children of single family households are effected negatively. Infact, some use it as a learning experience to never let that happen in their own lives, but please let’s not make that the standard and the norm. We shouldn’t accept divorce and when it does have to happen after everything else doesn’t work, it’s important that we provide the children a supportive and nurturing environment.

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   "A Mom" reply on June 20, 2008 11:53 am:

   I do agree. There are a hold lot of single parent homes that produce a lot of good leaders.

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6. blaq

   I agree my son saw none I dated until my fiancé why because if we broke up h would be hurt my divorce was ugly in every sense of the word so my son got hurt why I was so careful .I love him and know what he went through and believe me it is better to consider your children

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   "A Mom" reply on June 18, 2008 4:55 pm:

   I totally agree. Keep people out until you are sure that they are the one to spare the children.

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7. mrschocolatestuff

   I agree. You have to put the needs of kids above your own.
   Sometimes we carry baggage from our previous relationships. Remember not to let your personal feelings about your ex and what happen between the two of you cloud your judgment in doing what is best for your children. Don’t ever bad mouth the other parent or the new spouse in front or around the children. If the spouse has children or has children with the your ex, and you bad mouth their parent to your children, your kids are bound to repeat it. If you do that you are creating an unhealthy environment for all the children including your own. Don’t create upset among the children or the new family unit. Whatever your feelings are about the ex or the new spouse do not discuss it with or around any of the children. The best way to for the children to grow up happy and mentally healthy is for all the parents to work together. You and your ex will always be the parents to your children. The other parent, the new spouse, and your needs will always be secondary to all the kids involved.

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   mrschocolatestuff reply on June 18, 2008 2:12 pm:

   my current guy is stuck with me and i’m stuck with him. this is the real deal. if something unforeseen happens and we split, he’d still be there for my son and we’d still be friends. i’m not looking for a daddy but it seems that he fell into that mode (he has a son a year younger than mine) and it’s all good. he’s up for the job.

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   Malia reply on June 18, 2008 2:13 pm:

   How does your son get along with him?

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   mrschocolatestuff reply on June 18, 2008 2:22 pm:

   GREAT! and his son gets along with me and my son very well.

   they sort of meshed and the comfort was already there. my son is a good cue.

   he’s met people who hasn’t stayed around too long and it was interesting to see, my son wouldnt’ try to talk to him or anything. he’d disappear. they would be lucky if they heard ‘hi’ out of him.

   this one, he sits next to him, cracks jokes, listens to his advice and whatnot. and most importantly, he said to me he thinks he’s a good guy, he likes him a lot and he’d like him to be around. they sort of forced themselves on each other. i didnt have to do a thing.

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   "A Mom" reply on June 18, 2008 4:57 pm:

   Never change. If he is the one do everything you can for your children. It will surely pay off.

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   Traci reply on June 18, 2008 3:41 pm:

   Now that is an ideal situation.

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8. LoverOfPeace

   Ideally single parents shouldn’t introduce children to their dates until they are sure that the relationship is going to be long term.

   The reason being that you don’t want the kids getting attached to someone who is not going to hang around and have the trauma of another family break up and you don’t want them getting so used to people breezing in and out of their lives to the point that they can’t recognize when mom or dad has finally met someone special.

   Unfortunately, you have no control over your partner and when they introduce your children to their dates. You only have control over when you introduce them to yours.

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   mrschocolatestuff reply on June 18, 2008 1:54 pm:

   well here’s my thing.

   i have acquaintances, the ones i’d chill with and there are friends, people whom i care about and who care about me and would care about my son.

   so- those are the ones who’d be around him the most on the level of comfort and familarity. they would be inside of the home and sitting on the couch, possibly chatting with my son .

   the chill people who want to hang out SHOULD come to pick me up from my home so it cannot always be helped who he sees or doesnt see. they may get as far as the porch. lol

   of course, i have to determine true friendship from someone’s who’s just passing through. what’s nice is that i live with other people therefore there isn’t so much traffic coming my way to begin with.

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   K RAMSEY reply on June 18, 2008 2:41 pm:

   That depends on the scope, breadth, and depth of the relationship. Also it is vital that the custodial parent discuss the matter with the child first to see what their feelings may be about meeting someone that their mother of father is involved with. The child may not want to meet them.

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   Alfred reply on June 19, 2008 7:43 am:

   how much should a parent care about a child’s feeling about who they date. For example a good friend of mine married a man that has 2 kids ages around 12. They don’t like her and its basically because she now occupies a good deal of his time whereas before they had their father’s total attention. Should he not have married her due to how his kids feel?

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   BlessedNMyStress reply on June 19, 2008 7:46 am:

   He, like a lot of people I know, would be seriously unhappy and regreful of the fact that he “let a good one slip away” for the sake of his children (who will ALWAYS be his children) had he not married her when he did.

   I can’t tell you how many people I know who decided to wait on a relationship for the sake of their kids and now seriously regret their decision because their children are older, have friends of their own and lives of their own. The single parent is now feeling depressed in their empty nest because they did not make a life of their own in addition to continuing what they had with their children. My son influences my decision to a certain degree, but for the sake of maintaining a relationship with him I would not remain single.

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9. Crystal

   I never considered even dating anyone until I felt the time was right but I wouldn’t dream of bring any other man around my children it causes to much confusion. You have ever right to be concerned it’s not a healthy invironment for your children.

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10. Traci

    It is funny that this subject has come up for discussion. I am newly single after having been in a 2 year relationship. I do not under any circumstances bring my dates around my children unless we are making plans to spend the rest of our lives together. I have dated men for as long as 3 years and never had them around my kids because it was clear to me that we were just spending time but no real commitment was going to occur. The last thing I need is to send my children through the trauma of separation anxiety because kids get attached quickly nor do I want my children growing up thinking mommy was a little too loose because she was always bringing a new “uncle” home. It to me is just a bad idea and completely unnecessary.

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    Traci reply on June 18, 2008 3:40 pm:

    I have allowed long time friends to see my kids if there was a gathering we were all invited to but for dating purposes I always insist that we meet. Even if I didn’t have any kids I wouldn’t let men come and pick me up at home. I would hate to get into the dating thing only to find out that the dude is a psycho who now has my address.

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    mrschocolatestuff reply on June 18, 2008 3:42 pm:

    that uncle thing kills me.

    as far as i’m concerned, it’s mr. first or last name and be done with it. but like i said, everyone doesnt come around the boy and i did have a conversation about things.

    mom has the right to have friends just like he has friends. and on that note, there was no more questions or discussions. friends can watch tv, go to the movies and so forth. doesnt have to go any further.thank goodness i’m not a high traffic person anyway. thank goodness ppl are too lazy to come my way.lol

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    blaq reply on June 18, 2008 4:05 pm:

    Exactly why I didn’t No what I am engaged my son and my fiancé are getting close .It was hard for him to he has 2 girls 4 and 8 mine is 15 so we made sure we really wanted to be together .Us getting married is why all the kids involved .We are being aware of their needs fears each is taking this different my son is ok with him as a friend and learning to accept him into our lives as are his daughters .Please don’t involve kids until marriage is there .No kid needs a bunch of uncles or daddies friends

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    Traci reply on June 19, 2008 7:41 am:

    But you set the stage for your son to understand that you have friends that you hang out with so to speak and there aren’t a lot of them coming in and out so that most certainly is a wonderful way to introduce someone you care about. But we all know people who brought in a new and different uncle with every week that passed around their kids and it may not be a problem for them in their households but it leaves me uncomfortable in mine. Not just for the kids sake either. In general I don’t think it is a good idea to have to many people knowing where you live. Either that or I am just not living right! LOL!

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11. Fleetwood Rock

    I grew up In a Two Parent Home…Had a Lot of Crazy Shit going on in My Younger Years…Parents Were Alcoholics,Fought a Lot,Ho`ed around a lot…But they stayed together for 43 years until My Old lady Died….It was some strange strong Love type Shit…

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    "A Mom" reply on June 18, 2008 5:01 pm:

    Some people stay for strange reasons. I hope the reason was not from staying in the relationship for 43 years. I’m not trying to be funny but sometimes it’s healthier to leave.

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12. The Nightmare You Crave

    A year at least and then go from there.
    Unless you plan to get married before that time

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13. mrs. 39 ways of trouble

    Not everyone who grows up with two parents together, live in a happy, healthy environment and end up as functional, well adjusted adults. On the flip side kids who are products of single parent homes aren’t all emotionally unstable, or miserable. I beg to differ that all children dislike thier parents new mates, its all a matter of personal experience.
    I do agree, that in most cases exes, who have kids will go back and forth, occasionally and ‘hook-up’ which can create issues in a new relationship but thats a case of personal choice.

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    "A Mom" reply on June 21, 2008 9:42 am:

    Your right, not all two parent homes work especially with the divorce rate the way it is. Something is going wrong. What I am saying is no matter what the case is. We as parents need to consider our childrens feelings overall before jumping in and out of these relationships.

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Reply to “Mending Hearts”

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