Love Haters

Written by: SB

Love Haters Love Haters It is momentous in any relationship when a couple shares the three little words: I love you. It’s amazing how such a small saying can carry so much weight. When you’re a new-love bird, you say those 3 words all day, everyday. You can’t stop saying it. It is as close as you can get to describe how you feel. Well, what happens when you’re no longer a new lovebird…Is it ok for those 3 little words not to be said as often? What if they are only said to you after you’ve said them first?

I turned to my married female friend for her thoughts on the subject. She stated that her man’s actions are more important whether he says he loves her or not. As symbolic as the expression maybe, they are just words so I understood her position. If I had to choose, I would rather my man act like he loved me than just tell me. To me though, the two are not exclusive of each other. Saying “I love you” is an action and, of course, other actions support that claim. I truly enjoy hearing that phrase from my boyfriend because it makes me feel appreciated. I would be hurt and disappointed if he no longer said them to me. I don’t expect a continuous admission of love as it was in the beginning of our relationship, but, at least, some self-initiated statements are needed.

How does one resolve this type of issue? Of course, talking to your boo would probably be the best way to address it, but who really wants to remind their partner to tell you that they love you…in the words of Boosy- ooober whack! The words are not as meaningful if you have to force it out of them.

If a person truly loves you, wouldn’t the words roll off their tongue naturally? If they do not say it, is that a sign that their feelings have changed? Or, do you disregard it as them being absentminded?

Tags: Love, Relationships | May 29, 2008 |

68 Comments, Comment or Ping

Malia

There aren’t many people who realize or appreciate the power of saying “I love you.” These three magic words can save your relationship when it hits rock bottom, or can even get you out of TROUBL when he says that he’s gonna break up with me because I’ve been throwing him under the bus lately….lol

I’m sayin’…..

The secret to keeping I love you powerful and meaningful, is to keep it scarce by rarely using it. If you’re able to exercise control and refrain from abusing the use of I love you, it will be like having an ace in your pocket for when you really need the winning upper hand.

I have learned that “I love you” really means “I choose to act lovingly towards you.” In that sense, showing someone that you love them through actions is enough. You don’t have to say “I love you” just to prove it; your mate should be able to see your feelings through your actions….

[Reply]
mrschocolatestuff reply on May 29, 2008 10:19 am:
should but everyone arent mind readers nor define actions of love the same.

i dont tell you but i do everything else but you are looking for me to say it because that’s the type of person you are and i’m not the type to say it- does it mean i dont love you?

the phrase- actions speak louder than words can work for some but hearing it i believe is equally effective.

[Reply]
Malia reply on May 29, 2008 10:27 am:
Very true…which leads me to my this question—-WHAT IS THE FEAR BEHIND SAYING I LOVE YOU?????

[Reply]
*SB* reply on May 29, 2008 10:28 am:
For real tho…that should have been the topic of this article! I find that alot of men are afraid of saying they are in love- not trying to start nothing. Its just an observation ive made

[Reply]
Crystal reply on May 29, 2008 10:44 am:
I require that the man says it as well as show it. If he can’t say then he doesn’t mean it. Sometimes you have to do what is uncomfortable for the person you truly love.

[Reply]
She-Rell reply on May 29, 2008 10:47 am:
true. It definately depends on the person. Ive had folks tell me they love me and it sounded robotic…or either their actions showed different.

[Reply]
Crystal reply on May 29, 2008 10:57 am:
and hell sometimes you have both: actions + the words and they are still an ass - like my last boyfriend.

bitch ass nigga

[Reply]
The R reply on May 29, 2008 10:53 am:
maybe so but when a man says I love you ladies be looking for a ring and ok so when we geting married…bros been there and done that and just because he is in love does not mean he is ready to get married…that fear is not unfounded…

[Reply]
She-Rell reply on May 29, 2008 10:54 am:
im not looking for a ring just cause you said you love me…thats crazy.

[Reply]
The R reply on May 29, 2008 11:15 am:
well some women are like this…not all of yall…
I’m just saying one of the reasons why men fear going there sometimes… .we are raised hearing yall want to get married

[Reply]
Erika reply on May 29, 2008 11:19 am:
What’s wrong with a woman wanting to get married? Isn’t that what it’s supposed to be about?

[Reply]
*SB* reply on May 29, 2008 10:58 am:
I dont agree…i dont think women expect to have a ring and get married just because a man says “I love you” but guranteed if she loves you back the thoughts have crossed her mind. Women are well aware of a man’s fear of marriage. Barefootsoul wrote a piece about that. And alot of women are scared of marriage- me included!

[Reply]
mrschocolatestuff reply on May 29, 2008 10:55 am:
dont discriminate- women have the same issues too.

many times the one that got away got away because she didnt open her mouth and express herself. lol. we all do it. we dont like rejection

[Reply]
mrschocolatestuff reply on May 29, 2008 10:39 am:
i believe it’s a declaration of committment which the majority is fearful of.

the thing is we dont own crystal balls. we dont know what the other is thinking. we can also be afraid of rejection- loving someone who doesnt love you back the same way if not at all.

think of the reasons why the words are said:

*you really feel and mean them (this can be eros or phila love)
*you want something from the person (material things)
*you think it’s THEY want to hear

[Reply]
The R reply on May 29, 2008 10:52 am:
It means commitment.. .some folks are not ready for that or fear once they commit and good thing will get screwed up

[Reply]
Erika reply on May 29, 2008 11:22 am:
….and really? that’s some ol’ bullspit right there. I thought it was supposed to be about finding someone to love and commit to?

OK….i’m ducking out of this topic before I get pissed….today is not the day for me.

[Reply]
Crystal reply on May 29, 2008 12:54 pm:
I hear you. That is the problem. Men want it all. They want sex, companionship, support, and whatever else but they also don’t want to give anything in return. They is why they dump women and move on to the next because most men are about beginnings not lasting relationships. Such a jip. Such a waste of time.

[Reply]
Erika reply on May 29, 2008 11:16 am:
The fear of having that emotion and all that goes with it turned against you. It’s seem by many a guttersnipe as a weakness.

[Reply]
Viper Rogue reply on May 29, 2008 11:17 am:
Saying I love you is eqivalent to a cell door slamming shut. At that very moment your life has changed. You are committed.

[Reply]
Erika reply on May 29, 2008 11:20 am:
Oh my goodness…. and what’s wrong with that?

[Reply]
*SB* reply on May 29, 2008 11:22 am:
LMAO u r ridiculous…It is not the same as a cell door slamming shut because you willingly say I love you unlike being locked away against you will!

[Reply]
Crystal reply on May 29, 2008 12:55 pm:
They fear being responsible for anything and anyone. They fear building something real. They just want to play all of their lives.

[Reply]
The R reply on May 29, 2008 12:57 pm:
if that was the case then why do they eventually get married?
it is not as clear cut as u would make it..
some bros want to play forever true…and that fear of giving up half
some bros want some magical combo chick aka …lady aka superho aka kinda like momma etc..and until they find her they keep looking

[Reply]
TROUBLMan reply on May 29, 2008 10:20 am:
I disagree, I love you doesn’t mean I choose to act loving towards you. To me, I love you means, I’m not afraid to sound like I care. If the actions don’t back up the words than it’s an empty phrase.

[Reply]
"A Mom" reply on May 29, 2008 10:31 am:
It can be an empty phrase for some, when so easily. Some people say it just to give another a false sense of security. Other don’t realize the impact. Remember that movie with Martin Lawrence. “Thin Line” sometimes you just can’t say the words to the wrong people.

[Reply]
Malia reply on May 29, 2008 10:37 am:
Well that’s the point…love is a choice! Anybody can say I love you TM—-to act in a way that coincides with the words is a different thing all together!!!!

[Reply]
"A Mom" reply on May 29, 2008 1:50 pm:
Malia
I agree, and why say it if you can’t show it. What makes us think if we say it, even though we don’t mean it smoothes things over, or somehow confirms something.
Also people if you say “I Love You” to someone. Don’t expect them to say it just because you said it. There is always a thing in the back of your head telling you different. Don’t ignore it.

[Reply]
Malia reply on May 29, 2008 2:08 pm:
Hey girl! i miss you and I love you (see how easy that was?…lol)

Exactly! If I tell someone I love them it’s not because I need the same words reinforced back to me. Sometimes I say it because I haven’t told someone in a while and I just feel it, sometimes I say it when I’m making a point be more effectionate, or I say it right before I’m about to go off on somebody—just to let them know that my anger in no way diminishes my love—lol!!!

Love is liberating when you give it freely without putting hidden agendas on it.

[Reply]
*SB* reply on May 29, 2008 2:18 pm:
I think love is very liberating. I also feel that it can be controlling at times because it is such a strong emotion. Sometimes it people keeps from seeing the truth, makes them continue to forgive and give another chance or it makes a person continue to try and work things out- yall heard eve- love is blind and it will take over your mind…lol

[Reply]
Malia reply on May 29, 2008 3:14 pm:
You’re right SB, but are those such bad things? Yes, we put on the rose colored shades and give away passes to trifling behaviour on occassion, but I would hope someone would do the same for me. Look over a trangression or two…maybe even three. I’m no saint - so I know people who love me put up with A LOT!!! And I love them just for putting up with me!!!!

[Reply]
mrschocolatestuff

i think when it comes to love ALL of the senses God has given you should be affected- meaning, you should hear i love you, feel it, taste it, smell it and see it and it should happen as often as possible because no one’s promised tomorrow.

if a person truly loves you, i believe that if they leave this earth before you do, you will know that they truly loved you and they will know it as well.

[Reply]
Malia reply on May 29, 2008 10:11 am:
I love your analogy. I want it to arouse all of my senses as well. It shouldn’t just be over the top actions like flowers and romantic meals and trips to the bahamas and 5 carat rings that scream I love you, but text me and say good morning, make me laugh, tell me about your day, include me in your ideas, in your thoughts, in your world, let me in. Don’t wait until everything is perfect (that time never comes), why not kiss me on the forehead instead and reassure me everything will be okay? It’s not as complicated is you make love a verb…..

[Reply]
*SB* reply on May 29, 2008 10:17 am:
I like that…all your senses should express and be love!

[Reply]
She-Rell

I would rather see the actions of love, instead of the words. You can fix your mouth to say anything. However hearing it feels good as well. I think that a person should teach by example. If you wanna hear it more often say it more often.

[Reply]
Terrance

First, I need them both. Actions speak louder than words, but the power of life and death comes from the tongue.

You cant throw piss on me and tell me you love me, conversely you cant shower me with gifts and never affirm it.

Also I dont believe in the concept of in love. I believe in love is a fragile concept not meant for the long haul. It is love based on tangibles, ie what the person can do as opposed to the notion of you giving. it is selfish.

I believe in the road less travelled.

[Reply]
Crystal reply on May 29, 2008 10:43 am:
No it doesn’t. Being “in love” means romance. I am romantically attached to you.
Loving someone does not mean that you want to be with them romantically. But you need to be both “in love” and loving a person in order to maintain a relationship. A man can tell me he loves me but if he cannot say that he is in love with me I walk.

[Reply]
Terrance reply on May 29, 2008 10:45 am:
Naw. I dont buy that. In love means you’ll fall out of love. In love is a cathexis. In love aint what they talk bout in the bible.

In love is tangible. love is not.

[Reply]
*SB* reply on May 29, 2008 10:47 am:
in love is tangible? please elaborate

[Reply]
Terrance reply on May 29, 2008 11:00 am:
A little something I got from a cat Dr. Peck. Damn good book on spirituality. At first I hated the concept, then after seeing it in action agreed.
Love
His perspective on love (in The Road Less Traveled) is that love is not a feeling, it is an activity and an investment. He defines love as, “The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” Love is primarily actions towards nurturing the spiritual growth of another. Love cannot be sustained by mutual dependence; rather, love between two parties is made stronger when they are completely independent of one another.[1]
Peck seeks to differentiate between love and cathexis. Cathexis is what explains attractions to the opposite sex, the instinct for cuddling pets and pinching babies’ cheeks. However, cathexis is not love. All the same, true love cannot begin in isolation, a certain amount of cathexis is necessary to get sufficiently close to be able to truly love.
Once through the cathexis stage, the work of love begins. It is not a feeling. It consists of what you do for another person. As Peck says in The Road Less Traveled, “Love is as love does.” It is about giving the other person what they need to grow. It is about truly knowing and understanding them.

[Reply]
Terrance reply on May 29, 2008 11:11 am:
In love is based on a number of factors chief of these sex, as it related to what you get. You are in love with a person’s intellect, money, sex, touch, smell, the way he makes you feel etc.

The removal of any of these factors will result in one no longer being in love, experiencing an out of love moment.

Furthermore if in love was the higher love why then wouldnt we be in love with our seeds and our parents, the two groups who impact us the most.

Love, is an investment an act, a discipline that requires you to give yourself in spite of. Love has no tangible conditions. Shit is via love that I keep trying to save Crystal.

[Reply]
Crystal reply on May 29, 2008 10:48 am:
you have to have BOTH. In long term relationships you fall in and out of love but the foundational love sustains you. But if you are in a relationship and you have never felt that passion and beauty of being “in love” with that person then that is sad really.

I can’t be with a man that I am not in love with. I don’t care how compatible we are supposed to be. Fugg that. I have to feel that giddiness, that joy, that anticipation. If I don’t - what’s the point? I don’t need another damned friend.

[Reply]
Terrance reply on May 29, 2008 11:01 am:
My best relationship was one that didnt involve in love. We had all of that but was grounded in reality.

I think in love robs one of the reality.

[Reply]
Malia reply on May 29, 2008 11:09 am:
I do think their are levels of loving. I love a lot of people, and I have a huge heart and huge capacity for love. There is a difference between falling in love, to being in love, to loving. Sometimes I fall in love and end up hating the person, but I find it’s really special to love someone for who they are, idisycrasies and all and it evolves from there.

[Reply]
Crystal reply on May 29, 2008 1:04 pm:
to me it is all apart of Love.
— Falling in love: is that first sparks of attraction, lust, feeling the increasing need to see them, hear thier voice, etc…

—Being in Love - is when you are full blown in all of the above. It’s fun, it’s giddy, it’s exciting. It comes and goes in a relationship. Sometimes you act like a couple of kids together, other times not.

—Loving someone - occurs after and during the above. This is the love of the person for who they really are. This is the foundation, the over the hump kind of love where the relationship truly begins. after the honeymoon, sort to speak.

[Reply]
She-Rell reply on May 29, 2008 1:56 pm:
Im gonna agree with this for the most part. i think during the course of a relationship one or both individuals are not always IN love with each other but hopefully they still love them enough to get back to the point of being in love.

[Reply]
Crystal reply on May 29, 2008 1:05 pm:
exactly. This is why it is recommended to being friends first. For building that love foundation before you start the “falling in love” scenario. My soulmate and I were like that. We were friends, like brother and sister, for a long time then later in life we noticed an attraction and fell in love. Now that my friends is what life is all about. I am sorry for anyone who has never had that kind of love.

[Reply]
TROUBLMan

Personally, I’m one of those people who’d rather show you my love than say I love you. Don’t get me wrong, I say it frequently, but I’d rather show it. To me, rubbing my back when I’m stressed, cooking my favorite meal, engaging in pillow talk say I love you.

I was in a two-year relationship where I could count on both hands the number of times we exchanged “I love you’s.” Still, there was no doubt that we loved each other. We’d both do all the little things for each other. We’d sacrifice for each other. Whether it be her staying up late to watch my favorite show with me, even if she was tired, or giving me haircuts– or when I’d read stories to her while she drove the love was apparent without saying it. It was felt and that’s more real than words.

[Reply]
Erika

Sometimes your partner is not willing to learn by example. However, for me, showing and telling is good.

[Reply]
She-Rell reply on May 29, 2008 10:15 am:
Then if its really important you would need to say something. Not only that you would have to take into consideration the person, IMO.

[Reply]
"A Mom" reply on May 29, 2008 1:54 pm:
Showing and telling is good.
If you really love someone showing is good, but tell them once in awhile. They like to here the words. One thing I believe. If you don’t love someone don’t say you do. It can be hard to take back.

[Reply]
TROUBLMan

If the first time someone tell you they love you comes when you’re having sex, what does it mean then? Or how about if you’re on your death bed. What if the first time they say it comes as a text message? Does the meaning change with every context? If so, what is love?

[Reply]
*SB* reply on May 29, 2008 10:37 am:
I would not believe a man if he told me while having sex that he loved me, maybe he loves my kitty but not me. I couldnt trust that those words are sincere and not because hes caught in the moment.

I better not be on my death bed with someone who hasnt told me they loved me but it would be nice to hear before i go.

People and their text messages! I have slowly learned that text messages are nice to keep in contact but i dont think its suitable for the first time you tell someone you love them….if there is no other way to communicate with them- then i understand. I just think the first time should atleast be in person if you have that luxury

I dont think the meaning changes but i think the impact of the words change with context.

[Reply]
"A Mom" reply on May 29, 2008 1:55 pm:
I think love under those conditions can mean different things.

[Reply]
PB

Just because someone doesn’t say “I love you” every day doesn’t mean they don’t love you. Actions speak louder than words, and a relationship isn’t going to flourish or fail based on those words being uttered on a daily basis. Just because you’re ready to say those three words doesn’t mean your partner is ready to say them. However, if your partner uttered those words freqeuntly in the past, but now doesn’t so readily speak them, there may be a change brewing. This decline in “I love you’s” exchanged coupled with a change in their behavior is all the information you need to know the status of your relationship.

[Reply]
TROUBLMan reply on May 29, 2008 10:44 am:
I agree.

If I HAVE to say I love you all the time, I’m gone tell homegirl to get her self-esteem up.

[Reply]
Crystal

I need BOTH

[Reply]
Talisman

I think men and women may approach “love” differently. Friend of mine once gave me a sorta “mantra” about how men and women “think” when they say “I love you”. Men have trouble uttering those words (when they are TRULY felt and not tryin’ to get punani…) because it gives up a certain degree of power and men, in this situation, usually intend, “I love you”, to be all encompassing. Now, this last part I’ve asked dozens of women, and only one has said, “Naw ninja, that ain’t what its about”. He said when women say I love, its usually for “right there, right then, at that moment” and that it consistently has to be reaffirmed in different ways to her or the boyfriend bashing with yo’ girl’s girls begins. Now, we have some strong, independent women on this board (and the majority of my friends are mostly strong independent women - SB, testify, LOL), so, do any of you agree with his “assessment of what I love you men to either gender? Where is this “mantra” wrong or right? I’d be interested to hear from the TROUBL peoples.

[Reply]
Brother Mouzone reply on May 29, 2008 12:58 pm:
I don’t agree that when men say I love you that we are giving up a degree of power. In fact, when a woman hears those words from a man and truly believes them a man gain even more power than he had before. Also, it is all encompassing.

I do agree that when a woman says I love you to a man it is a temporary things that has to be reestablished in intervals.

[Reply]
Crystal reply on May 29, 2008 1:06 pm:
the fear is not the love. The fear is the pain of being without the love once you experience it. That pain can stop or pause many a strong one.

[Reply]
Sardonyx Jade

In most situations, love has different meanings to the parties involved.

To some, love is the secret access code to every locked door in a relationship (if you loved me you …).

To others the declaration creates a feeling of vulnerability.

Love is an action verb. It’s what you do not not just something to say.

[Reply]
Nicole

I love this article I want this in my blog on myspace lol!! I know that with my relationship when it was new I said it all the time and he didn’t at first I pressed the issue but then I had to come to a realization that maybe I grew in love quicker than he did and he wasn’t ready now it’s said pretty equally. Although we say it everyday I have to agree that I rely on actions.

[Reply]
Alfred

I know a girl that says the guy she was dealing with only told her he loved her after he sexed another woman. Apparently he only realized he loved his girlfriend when he was between the thighs of another woman. Eventually after a lot of ‘I love yous’ she left him.

[Reply]
"A Mom" reply on May 29, 2008 1:57 pm:
He had issues.

[Reply]
Q.

ok, i see why this joint has so many comments!! good topic, tough to break down (as shown with all the comments)..

speaking for myself, i always used to hold out on saying it.. i felt like it was reserved for some long time stuff.. like if i said it in a month, it wasn’t believable.. too many questions, but then again, i understand that we were all younger then, and love was probably not what we were feeling.. when i got to college, i wasn’t as timid with saying the world, and probably OD’d on the use of it.. felt like i had to say it to compete with thinking that i had a wandering eye or something..

now, i don’t fear the words.. at the same time i don’t feel pressured to say it.. i like what many of the women said about the actions.. co-signing what TM said.. let my actions speak.. silent, but deadly.. carry the big stick.. all those cliches are how i got about my business.. a text message with her in the same room.. giving her the eye that will make her blush.. just showing that i’m in it with her.. all that other stuff, for me, is for the birds.. i want her to feel like i just said it, rather than her knowing that i said it.. on some “dude just told me he loved me, didn’t he??”..

for me, love doesn’t mean marriage.. this isn’t a sitcom.. not a sitcom theme song either.. it’s life.. i like for a woman to be incognegro with it.. like, no one knows that i love her, but her.. vice versa.. i want to walk into a spot, feeling the love..

i want her to rub my back as i go to sleep and get me my warm milk and cookies.. i want her spooning me.. nah, only jokes to that other post.. where is Kevin Daly when you need him??

[Reply]
Malia reply on May 29, 2008 2:59 pm:
LMAO!!!!!! I’m done!!!! I can’t work today!!!! I’m goin home!!!!

[Reply]
Wadiya

How about someone says they love you, but you don’t feel it? Or you don’t want that kind of love, cause everyone loves differently

[Reply]
*SB* reply on May 29, 2008 3:20 pm:
I think that if someone tells you they love you and you dont believe them it because you dont trust them or their emotions not because you dont want that kind of love…unless you two are just friends and he/she took it to the next level.

[Reply]
The Nightmare You Crave

Women want to play and carry on and not be in committed relationships. And so many men are trying the same thing. There is no need for love with them two groups.

I love you should only be said when it is meant. So I am glad these people are not running around saying I Love You. They are not real anyway

[Reply]

TROUBL

Love Haters

68 Comments, Comment or Ping

Reply to “Love Haters”

SEE ALSO

April 25, 2008

May 6, 2008

June 11, 2008

March 11, 2008

March 27, 2008